What I meant by typing for days was all the **** that has happened between us. And your right it wouldn't change a thing. It is hard for me to let go because of things that he and I have shared but I am trying my damdest to do so. I have been married before and even with my ex I didnt enjoy sex very much. For the first time in my life I opened up and enjoyed the heck outta sex with this man. I know that is no reason to stay with anyone, especially this person. Now its not about that, even though at times I miss that part of him. When I set and think about it, that may be the only part I honestly do miss. I also know I'll find another person I am totally compatiable with in all aspects and I want that. But I will not until I am totally over this person. I DO NOT need a man in my life to survive, that I have come to understand too. I would rather spend the rest of my life with just my son and I than to continue to live with the pain this person has inflicted on me.

When I first read Caroline's post I cried because I thought it was harsh, but after I reread it, some of it is true. I tell myself I'm not in love with him anymore, maybe I'm trying to convince myself to much. I don't know. All I know is I am tired of hurting and that if I stay and continue to let him do this that is all I am going to continue to do is hurt. I need to say enough is enough and run away. You said you really doubt I'm ready to let this go and you may be right but for my own piece of mind its what I have got to do. I have a 10 year old son whom I love with my whole heart and soul and I have to be there for him. I have done so much I am not proud of and I want to show him that its not fair to treat a human being this way and that all should be treated with respect. And if I were to stay with this man I'm not showing my son anything except that its ok to roll over and take anything someone gives you.

I just want the pain and hurt to go away, I want to come out of this a stronger person and a better person, not a loser.

Honey, I have a doctor appointment for a physical that I do not want to go to as I do not like doctors...But unfortunately he also doles out my prescription so he and I are gonna rock and roll and I will proceed to get naked and stroke him out.

I want to write more but it will have to wait until I get home...Even if I have to double post, I will write you later. We are also going shopping and out to lunch so it will probably be 5 hours or so....Caroline

LOL Caroline,,I don't like dr's much either. I have an appt with my therapist this afternoon to at 3:00pm so it maybe later for me also. I hope your dr appt goes well and you have a wonderful day.

What you could type for days and days, is what you miss "period" not with him but with the love you so desperately need for you and for your son. Hate to tell you this, but it's so normal.

Sexually therefore as well, you miss the intimacy and as your married live there wasn't any good you are recalling all the great sex you had.

But, he's not that good in bed either, he's just excited over all the mistresses he has and the "power" he has over them and he thinks he's king d......c, lol. So, obviously, he will perform much better as his confidence level is on a real high. Plus you wouldn't see him all the time as you would with a man whom was yours, so when you do you miss him, ( or so you thought ) and he would have this huge grin on his face " hi darlin" missed you, which actually means, " i can't wait to f... you, been waiting for me have you "... Sexual excitement plays tricks on our minds if we are not mindful of what we are thinking...

I disagree actually, you are ready to move on your just going through the motions of doing it, it's natural so don't cry. Those who aren't ready to move on fight back but, but, but, you are not fighting back, you are continuing to believe you can do this, of course you think you have feelings, but they are feelings of wanting love, not him and that's the hurdle and the only hurdle you have to jump. "Keep" telling yourself you are not in love with him because you have to in order to believe it"...

As i said in my first reply to you, as Kaylar has also said after, "change your phone number". Take away his opportunities to manipulate you and then he can't... ( I know manipulation remember ) You don't have to move address, sure you can jump the fence ...lol. You can get a "peep hole" in your front door if you don't have one though so you therefore answer to whom you want to come inside and whom you don't but he won't travel 8 hours to see you if you ignore him. He'll travel if you answer that phone and start saying i'm confused, i do love you but, and i need, but, and go away... etc. Then you've given him hope to keep you in his herum.... so do change that number.

You'll be suprised once you don't speak to him for a couple months the difference you will feel.

As i said, you are only seeking what all women want and men for that matter, love between two people only and haven't succeeded yet in finding it, re-read my advice from your last post to me on husband/finance there...

Go get em just4me, keep going down that path... he's out there!!! Love you first and your son and watch from that, they'll all run to your door and you can take your pick and find a nice one.

Just tell yourself, after a while of not being able to communicate with you, he'll find another one....because you know that is true.

Chandler, you are right he will find another...he always has. He has been doing this for so long its natural to him. I know of atleast 7 or 8 women he's had affairs with in the past 10 years..I found all this out after I met him and stayed...duh me.

I am going to change my cell number. I have blocked him from my msn account. The only place I can't block him is my work e-mail but if he trys to contact me there I will tell my IT tech and have him blocked there as well.

I want the memories to go away, I want him outta my heart and outta my life for good. I still catch myself thinking wonder if he's gonna contact me, I know thats normal but I have to stop that too.

I can't wait for that day when I no longer feel the way I feel over him. I so look forward to that day. I will reread your advice over and over again to help me. Thank you so much Chandler. As I said I think you are an amazingly strong and wonderful person.

I was thinking, we do that, as women

I also did some amazing things to help me go back to who i was, not to change me, but to ensure i didn't think of him, but me...

I completely went from Blonde, (all my life) to Brunette, changed cars as mine previously lived on the street, now this one has to live in my new garage, or it would get stolen....lol.

Stress makes you lose wait, i was 12, now 10, i think in America or England that may be a 6? I'm 5/8.

But therefore, i bought a few new clothes as well. And as my hair colour is different so is my make up now, so i look at this totally different woman, but inside the woman i was before, however, now with so much energy and confidence it's not funny.

For instance, the other day, i played Pink " let your fingers do the walking " from my car, with the window down, past constructions workers.... what a laugh... they were young, i am 44 and they were gobsmacked, what that does for a woman hey.....

As i said, you can and will do this...

Best of wishes, sure i'll catch you on other threads....

C

Well, today was therapy day. My day to cry and vent to a person who actually gets paid to hear me do that, lol.

He says he can tell that I have not fully lost who I am yet, very good thing..but he said if I don't get out I am going too. He says I should make a lists of all the reasons to get out and stay away. I should post that list everywhere I can so every time I feel the need to contact him or missing him to read those reasons to remind me of why I have to keep away from him. GOSH thats going to be a long a&& list.

I ended up a migrane after therapy, took a nice long nap. Got up spent some quality time with my son before he went to his dad's. It's amazing how many emotions you can go thru in such a short time, but atleast I can still feel, so thats a bonus.

Time to work on my list and myself.