I'm digging deep for that strength, because in the past where he has been involved i've not used it very much. Before this I would have contacted him in a heartbeat with the way I was feeling this morning. But so far I've made it thru the day and its now 3:20pm here. So I am smiling and patting myself on the back. Yayyyyyyyyyyy me

Yes its been 9 days since we've spoken, like I said thats huge for me. Never been able to do that before with him..big deal eh?

Now I smoked too until July 23rd of last year and I quit. So I've been quit since then. I'll help you quit. You'll feel so much better and wow you'd be surprised how much better food tastes. And you are very strong, look at what all you have accomplished...YOU CAN DO IT.

I feel awful today. I'm hurting so much. I hate feeling this way and want it to stop. I'm starting to lose my patience with all of this. I know what I am doing is right and it will get easier. I just want this missing him feeling to go away.

Today is day 12. I feel like a bad person because I miss him so. I mean gawd this is a married man, who is a complete jerk, womanizer, player, and the list could go on forever. And I know its not hurting him no where near as bad as its hurting me.

I think maybe its because there was no good-bye. We just had that huge fight on Sunday, 3/16/08 and both of us left the computer. There was no finish to it, I just decided that I wasn't going to contact him anymore that I was tired of being talked to and treated that way. I know I can't contact him to say good-bye because that wouldn't be good for me. I just feel so empty at times. I don't want to hurt anymore .
I feel I'm losing my strength to do this. And I also know if I go back I'm just losing more. I just want this to end.

Sweetie: I know hurt like know one on this Forum knows hurt...I am walking your path in life with you right now...I am fighting my own battle in life that involves not the terrible type of sexual pain and love for a man, that you are going through, but something that is just as bad, if not worse, that I must learn to both live and die with.....

It is big but I must make it through...It is too big to talk about but maybe in time.....I will try and reply to you when I can....Right now we are heading out to lunch.

I know both and heaven.....I live with a man in the most heavenly place of love yet have another deeper pain.....Sometimes I wonder why these things have happened to me.....Then I write of them and help other people and I know....But oh God, the load can get heavy and I wonder if my shoulders can carry them......Stay strong....

Much love, Caroline

Hey Just4me.

You did say goodbye, by not contacting him.. I haven't heard of any roses turning up on your doorstep since. That's because he is comensating one lose by i am sure, partying away with others and his wife. Take sex out of it, the laughter etc was because you got on well, think you get on well with a few here and we don't know you, must be that your a likable person who is now liking herself as well.

There is going to be horrid days and you may also have hoped he'd contact you just so you still felt that "special" feeling, but deep down of course said please don't i need to get through this.

See that all above therefore as, he definately wasn't worth it none of that happened and smile......

Know that he will continue cheating and you will find someone who is totally yours that you wouldn't have had the chance to had you stayed, because your heart would not have been free...

Jump up and down right now, on a spot and say, "yeah i am, i am free", then look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are inside and out.... Because you are.

Take care, the day doesn't last forever......... ready for day 13!!!!

CW

I refuse to get in the way of other people giving you advice....Here I am at a disadvantage...It is called age and their advice is called youth....Saying this I will add one thing...

He was married and our affair ended before I was married...It was hot..It was as sexual as yours, but not full intercourse..He awakened the woman in me that was to show her face and brought alive a part of my p*ssy that I never knew was possible...I craved what he did to me...It was heaven and sometimes I questioned what kind of a woman I was being engaged and letting this older man have his way with me as you did with your old lover...Only when a woman has been in this situation can they speak of it...Many here can't but you and I can because we were both brought sexually alive and found a place of the God's....How can they speak of heaven when they don't know how it exists...

I married and our marriage would not have made it unless I got pregnant. My mind was so confused by this man and what he did to me as a woman that I could not think...I just about lost my sailor and until I quit in June at 6 months pregnant, I did not begin to find myself.. For a while I would look for him when we passed that direction and it was not that I did not love my husband it was that wonderful sexual hold that he had on me. It did take a long time...

Now my dear, you have been awaken sexually like I was...You have been given a gift by the God's to show the true woman in you...Now you know what it feels like to scream the passion of hunger for another person and the true joys of sexual happiness.....BUT he belongs to another...You have to let it pass....It will take time but let it pass....

In time you will remember this as part of the maturing woman who you are, but in the meantime be kind to yourself and cry when you have to cry and smoke when you have to smoke and value the lesson in life that you have been blessed to have....And always remember he is not yours, he belongs to another.....Honey, I send you all my love for I hurt for you as I know where you are.....xox Caroline

Thank you Chandler. Your right he will continue to do what he does. And yes he and I got along well. I will find another person, an even better person that I will get along well with also, even more so I hope.

Your right I have at times wished he would contact me, but then in the same thought think oh God please don't, I won't be able to handle it. Amazing how you know my thought so well. Because if he keeps on I will miss out on healing and finding that special person in my life.

The day got better after I made my morning post. And tonight I went for dinner with my son and my ex-husband ( i know geesh an ex who is my best friend LOL) and we had a great time. My son ALWAYS makes feel better and I will be so glad when he comes home on Sunday night.

Day 13 soon and I'll make it even better. I have tons of work to do at home so that will keep my mind occupied. I think at work sometimes I have to much down-time and it makes it alittle harder, but that to shall pass.

As my friend says...THIS TO SHALL PASS!!

Caroline, thank you so much for all that share with me. You truley do help. You, Chandler and Fallen have helped so very much. I value all of your opinions and words.

Your right he does belong to another and whom ever else he choses to pretend he is "in-love" with at the present time. I will get past this, I just have to be patient and hold on-to my strength.

When I feel the need to cry I let it roll, unless I'm at work, haha. No smoking though, I have been quit now for 7 months now and I refuse to even let that idiot drive me to starting back. But I do hold onto the lesson and the reasons for all of this. I know it was done to teach me certain things. Though not always pleasant, it did happen.

Life can be a hurdle and I have to take in strides, as we all do. I have found more strength as the day has gone on, and tomorrow will dig as deep as I have to keep it...and the day after and the day after. I have accomplished alot by going 12 days, tomorrow 13 by not talking to him. That is huge for me and I am so proud of myself.

I pray for you and your hurt as well as my own. I pray for each of us that share on here. You all are in my heart now and my thoughts. Much love to you too Caroline xoxo...