Day 14 so far so good. It's 11:00 am here right now. Yesterday was a good day, I worked all day and then just relaxed in the evening. I had alot of company which helped me alot.

CW yes maam anything you share with me is great. You make me smile with your thoughts. Both you and Caroline do. You both make me think but in a different way. And thats a good thing.

I would be so much better if I didn't feel as though he consumed my every thought. I know, that to shall pass. I have to keep going down my new path and this new journey I am on. I am just going to take it slow and give myself time to heal.

Hopefully the rest of my day goes as well as my morning. I have to clean house today UGH!! Keep myself busy and my son will be home this afternoon, yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Hope each of you have a terrific day.

Lots of love

I have talked with my friend about my affair of years ago at length....I blame myself as I cheapened myself as a woman and she says that he took advantage of me, which he did, but it took two to tangle...I was 20. Only now do I look at this age in life and realize that I really was young...Women do not know this until they age and the wisdom of living sets in, but it happened...I kicked myself for years for letting him do these things to me yet I could have stopped it as his hand wandered up my leg when I sat next to him taking dictation...Slow deliberate moves..He awoke a part of me that had never been there before and he was a good looking and pretty neat man.

Now being older I realize how important this venture was in my sexual life...It had to happen because if this hot sexual cat had not found this joy in sex outside marriage, she may have wandered....I adore my husband but waking me up to the sensuous passion that I am capable of, told me and showed me the woman that I am inside...I have no doubt in my mind that if I had known and was, who I am now, back years ago that I would have been something else....I have the passion from the God's and I believe it was truly my purpose in life to share it with women.......There was too much of me then and there is still too much of me now.....So this experience for me must be one that I do not regret........I guess it is just part of who I am, as yours will be a part of who you are.....Find peace....don't regret and enjoy who you are.........Years from now when you think of this, it will be with a smile.....Life is good.....TC, C

I think Women have many journeys as we are constantly seeking until we find. This can happen at 20, or it can happen at 50, but it's a constant prowl of discovery, seek and find until we find all that it is that we are looking for. It is a slow process sometimes and typically like everything in our lives, with hurdles to jump and pain to get over, with new excitement commencing again.

The key to each journey, i believe, is to take what good you wish from that journey to use in your next journey and to take what bad that you encounter and to exclude that from your next journey.

That is what i will take from this journey, the good and the bad, if it seases, and go to my next but each one i have had, has taken me further and further into the i know more and more, and almost exactly what i am after, so that's got to be good.

I may very well be where you are in the "consuming every thought" in a couple of months to, but i will just remember the above and keep on my journey of discovery of me, and life...

It's been awhile since i've posted because things have been all up in the air for me. I made it 15 1/2 days with no contact with him and then on April 1 he called me outta the blue. AND there opened up all my feelings again. Saying all the things he knows to say to pull me back in. How I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and that it scares him, how he has never ever felt this way for anyone before and he can't stay away from me no matter how hard he tries. BUT when I ask him about what he wants and what he's going to do its he doesn't know. I was doing so good and now I am mixed up again. I feel awful again. For 2 weeks I was getting back to who I am and in one phone call he made me re-think everything all over again. My heart says one thing and my head says another.

Please don't get me wrong I know I can't be with him, but my feelings are over riding everything else. I am hurting so much right now and I am so confused. Everyone says follow your heart but i'm not even sure what my heart and my head wants me to do anymore.

I know its all more manipulation and whats going to happen again. I hate this and I hate feeling like this. I was doing so good and now I feel like **** all over again. My bf says I know its hard because you love him but you have to stay away from him for your own benefit. I know she is right. But its so easier said than done. My heart is hurting .

Hey Just4me,

I kept going back to your thread hoping someone else posted, so i could say hey, how you doing, but alas, without double posting, i couldn't.

There is an old saying: -

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they're yours if the don't they never were".

If you maybe concentrate on the above saying, and lock it away in your heart then you allow hope of that man leaving everyone and truly being yours, although the trust will be a hard thing but it may give you some form of satisfaction.

You also reallllllly need to ditch that phone number you know.

It would be natural that he is missing you as a person but remember that list that you wrote that your therapist asked you to do and to read that every day. The "missing" is pertained to missing if you understand...

You can't go on a merry go round, if you don't ditch that phone, he will call again in a few days, now that he has broken through and then the day after, and then he'll be on your doorstep.

I don't know if i am right or wrong, but if you take another call cause you can't ditch that phone number, maybe your closure will be to tell him exactly what you feel for him, so he knows and you can blurt it all out once and for all. But then follow through with, so i'm going now because i am not a porn on your Chest Board, but if you ever want to consider being with just me, i'll see you on my doorstep one day, if i am not taken already, with your suitcases, other wise frankly, i can feel this gain for someone else and that's what i intend to do.

I really feel for you as i know you are of strong nature and character and regardless this is difficult for you.

But both the above are worth a shot i think.

Take care okay.

CW

PS: Keep those positive thoughts going as you know you can.....

Hi CW..thank you for your reply..knowing I can always count on words of wisdom from you help me so much.

He called me at work where I do not have that option to change my number and do not have caller ID. That was the day we had meet 3 years ago and I got up thinking about it but planned to do nothing about it. I was actually shocked he even remember or even contacted me. I should have hung up on him and that been that. BUT I chose to listen to his crying and his words, knowing it was the wrong thing to do.

I wish for once he would be totally honest with me, but I know he is a man and that is asking for alot. I have to keep my head high and move forward like I have been doing. I just wish he didnt have such a profound affect on me.

Your right it is difficult for me and its tearing my heart out.

Well i would have been shocked to, being the exact day 3 years later, but then i don't know what you did on the 2nd, or 1st, that he may recall, consequently remembering the date. But, it doesn't matter that will get a girl everytime in my books...

Of course it's hard to hang up, there was that voice at the end of it.

You know that sport that you just got to keep jumping, hurdle after hurdle, well a lot of those were taken away, put down so you could walk over them, but one decided to be up for you to jump over, the others are laying down so you can walk forward again. Just keep walking. xx