hey, i am very sad and need help to see things from a different perspective about what is goin with this guy who i dont even know if is my b/f or what i should i do about this. i met a guy online six months ago and it went great since the begining. i have met his family, friends, take vacations together etc....

b/c he is in the service he moved away three months ago and wont be back for a long time. before he left he said was not willing to do long distance due to bad experiences but we kept talking after he left. i have visited him and my feelings for him are growing.

he is very loving and caring when we are together but when we are away he never says i miss you or i was thinking about you. he always says "me too" after i say it. the other day i told him i woul like him to say those kind of things sometimes and he did not understand what i was talking about. it seemes to me he is protective of expressing his feelings. he said he is worried we are setting ourselves for something unrealisitc and does not want us to carry ourselves between each other because our lifes are going in different directions. i am very sad becasue i dont understand if he cares about me or not, if he is scared because his previous experiences or he is just playing games and i should get out of the picture. i want to tell him that for me distance is not a problem because for me he is very special and i feel good with him. i know some guys get scared with all those things....what should i do?

You should get educated on the many good reasons why a guy in the service would not want to get involved in a relationship ... or why he doesn't want to say he misses you.
In boot camp/Basic training, servicemen are told over and over "Your girl is cheating on you. What do you keep her for? She's in bed with Jody, and having a good time lying to you."
The sad thing is, in MANY cases, this is true. Your guy is probably watching a lot of his new friends go through breakups, divorces, being cheated on, etc. And as he continues to be in the service, he'll see more and more of it. This will scare the pants off of any guy with half an ounce of sense. If all of a sudden all your closest girlfriends got cheated on, dumped ferociously via "Dear Jane" letters, and all they could think was "D*mn it, my boss warned me," you'd start listening to the bossman too.
If he tells you he's missing you or thinking about you, he's showing weakness. It's hard to be in his position, as hard as it is to be the one back home, you have the option of breaking down and crying if you want to. He doesn't. He doesn't have the option of getting too emotional over you; it can endanger him in his job.
It is nothing less than COMPLETELY DIFFICULT to be the significant other of someone in the military during this war. I doubt very seriously that he's "playing games." But he might very well be scared of relationships right now, and it's justified. What you'll have to do is make him trust you. Earn his trust.
Good luck

thank you for your note, i appreciate that but how can i get his trust. i am 27 and he is 33. some people have told me i should not be so available to him and set boundaries.

have a nice day.

I don't know about not being available ... I don't think that will gain his trust.
Just be what YOU perceive as a "good girlfriend," even if you don't fall into the girlfriend category right now. Think of him, do little things ... sending homemade cookies is always nice. It will get his friends to like you, too, and sometimes that's half the battle.

thank you, i have not talked to him yet. he sent me an email today asking if i was angry with him. i have not replied, i figure if he wants to talk he can call me.

i dont want to get hurt. i am in the middle of divorce and i want to give credit to myself for trusting again. my ex cheated on me and i caught him on the act in our house and our bed.

hope your week is going well.

take care

It sounds like you do care for him and you want him to communicate with you. If you want him to communicate with you don't shut him out by not answering his e-mail. Remember where he is and it's not always easy for them to just pick up the phone and call to talk.

I can understand your feelings of not wanting to get hurt. That is perfectly understandable, but you have to start somewhere. And if you shut him out you may never know how he really feels for you.

Have a great day

I agree with Just4me. You say that some people are telling you to not to be so available to him... But if you do this, then you justify why he should not commit to you and you won't build his trust. It's more of the contents that you put in your reply than not replying... Ie) no i'm not angry, i love you wouldn't be a good reply but, yeh, sorry for the delay, i was thinking of you if that counts, how are you.. is a careing reply but not so "i'm there" but still "there"...

I give you created for "trusting again" and i'm in the middle of divorce to, but you have to no two people are alike. And, you wouldn't want to miss that boat, if it was the right one and end up in a canoe instead!

Don't ignore him, take it gently and easy and build on that trust, you have time on your side, you don't need to rush things either and see where it leads to.

I think Little gave you some excellent advice of why he thinks the way he does. Also, being away, a man is just as insecure sometimes, well she'll find someone else, i'll just put my tail between my legs and call defeat but in the back of their mind, they are hoping that they are wrong...

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