"Friends with benefits" question

**Just1gal** · 04-07-2008 12:36 AM

Hi All,

I am looking for some input here.Is it possible for a guy to have sex with you and not get emotionally attached.I do not want to be in a relationship and just want sex.My "friend with benefits" guy is awesome in that dept!When we started I made it very clear that I did not want any emotional attachments.He was fine with it and said is looking for the same.

He calls,emails or texts me everyday.We work together so we do meet for coffees etc.We are always sexually charged and looking to be together as often as possible.I just feel he is falling for me and don't know what to do about it.

I have reiterated my position on what our "deal" was and he assures me he is not becoming attached.He even says it quite often that it is just sex and he could walk away from me at anytime.I'm not sure if he is just saying that or what.I then find myself questioning if what my gut is telling me is right. I really don't want to stop the sex because it is soo good but I don't want it to become complicated or hurt him either.

Anyways any thoughts or personal experiences shared would be appreciated and would luv to hear from any guys.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-07-2008 01:38 AM

Originally Posted by Just1gal

Hi All,

I am looking for some input here.Is it possible for a guy to have sex with you and not get emotionally attached.I do not want to be in a relationship and just want sex.My "friend with benefits" guy is awesome in that dept!When we started I made it very clear that I did not want any emotional attachments.He was fine with it and said is looking for the same.

He calls,emails or texts me everyday.We work together so we do meet for coffees etc.We are always sexually charged and looking to be together as often as possible.I just feel he is falling for me and don't know what to do about it.

I have reiterated my position on what our "deal" was and he assures me he is not becoming attached.He even says it quite often that it is just sex and he could walk away from me at anytime.I'm not sure if he is just saying that or what.I then find myself questioning if what my gut is telling me is right. I really don't want to stop the sex because it is soo good but I don't want it to become complicated or hurt him either.

Anyways any thoughts or personal experiences shared would be appreciated and would luv to hear from any guys.

I don't think it is wrong to have a sexual partner only, however, "our deal was?". There is no guarantees in life. I usually follow gut intuition as a female, but if sex is soooo good and you talk every day, then is it only the sex that you like? Or is he an okay guy that if you were ready you would hook up with.

It's just to me, if it's sex only then there shouldn't be anything else, if that's all you want. Leave it as sex only, rid of the calls, emails and coffee because if he does like you well you've played a part in that role very much so.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 04-07-2008 09:29 AM

I think it is very difficult to have sex and not have an emotional attachment. I think he probably is falling for you. But - whats so bad about that?

**sourpuss** · 04-07-2008 10:58 AM

I've found that the 'friends with benefits' rarely works. Someone usually gets attached. You'll know how he felt when you move on I suppose. I agree with CW, if it's only sex that you want from this guy then there shouldn't be any texting or talking and hanging out. Are you friends or just co-workers?

**Just1gal** · 04-07-2008 01:41 PM

Thanks for your responses,

He is a great guy,for sure.The job we have involves us needing to speak daily and work closely often much of it isolated from others.Right from the get go we both felt the sexual energy and I tried to avoid getting involved because he is a co worker(I had a rule not to be involved with co workers,so much for that!) as well I was apprehensive to start this FWB thing because of the attachment issue.I resisted his advances for months and we discussed all ramifications of us having sex.

I know there are no guarantees in life.I was married for 13 yrs and my husband died.Than I was in another relationship for 7 yrs and we broke up because he developed impotence issues due to an earlier illness.I was not the one to end that relationship.I would have stayed and worked through it but he kept pushing me away saying I would end up cheating on him cause I needed sex and he wouldn't be able to satisfy me.I never did cheat or ever would.

I have always taken care of everyone,put everyones needs ahead of mine and now I feel its my turn.I know that sounds selfish but I just want to have sex and no ties.I am very sexual,always have been and right now my co worker,FWB,is filling that need.

There may be a time,I'm sure,when I will want to be in a relationship again but not now.I'm really going to have to think about this...

C · 04-07-2008 02:37 PM

Tough one....You are getting into that sexually hungry time in a woman's life and I guess if I was you I just may be tempted....It must be difficult for you are battling two people....Your hot sexual side that needs and the woman that wonders if a woman dare do this.....But honey, we have gone a long way baby....I must say that I have gotten pretty liberal after all....

Caroline

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-07-2008 03:10 PM

I guess that in a way, you are in a relationship but one that is more around what you need at this time of your life, without a "heavy commitment".

If you work so closly, sometimes behind "closed doors", coffee, emails,chats there would more likely to be "laughter" as well, discussions outside of work, and then there's sex.

It just may be that you can't cope with "a heavy relationship" one that involves living together, and acting as a "wife", cooking, cleaning, etc.

I am separated and i wasn't "ready" for at least 6 months to even date, but i have to admit, from the moment i separated, i was "ready" for that other she devil, only i refrained because well "reversal", i didn't want to get attached unless the guy was what i was looking for. And, if you are at all like me, then you want all that goes with it SEXUALLY, but not yet, that marriage component again.

Perhaps look at it differently then, for instance, i wouldn't live with my guy now, so i can be a bit "girly" again, and lust and desire him every day and have my space at the same time, but i entered a relationship and have that.

Maybe this "relationship", could still be a lot of fun and even more so, if you didn't have to even consider "next" and just went for now allowed it to be but on "mutually agreed terms" of where you are at in your life.

It is exciting for a man i think, when a woman spells it out that she finds him sexually sooooooooo, but at some stage, he has to feel like he's just a body with something attached that you want.

If he has fallen a bit, then he is saying, well i'm "cool" with the way it is but your an okay kind of "gal", so i enjoy talking with you and having coffee etc.

At this time of your life, with two unfortunate long standing relationships that sadly are no longer there, it is more than normal to not want to go down that path at the moment.

But, nothing wrong with going down a path you feel comfortable with except, sex only, is either on his side as a said, a body part in the end or he may like you.

The main thing is to understand relationships can grow as slow as you want, they don't have to be full on but they don't have to be overlooked either, there's more than "hot sex" like that hug when your really down....

**Just1gal** · 04-07-2008 10:51 PM

again thanks for input

I think I will continue with this "friend" for now as it just feels right for me at this point.I am having a really great time with him and don't want to stop.I also am well aware that as time goes by things and feeling can change,who knows I may start to feel for him.I know I am somewhat closed off to "real" relationships but never have written them off for good.

...and you are right on CW,I do not want to be in a heavy commitment right now and deal with the daily running of it.I have 2 kids(now 18 and 22) from my husband and all my energy went into them and their well being after their father died.It is like my youngest turned 18 and I was like..its time for me..not that I won't always be mom of course I will.

I just want to have things light and fun right now.He does make me laugh and we do think a lot alike now that I think of it.I have no problem telling him what I'm thinking or needing.I will take it day by day and see where and how it goes.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-07-2008 11:21 PM

Originally Posted by Just1gal

again thanks for input

I think I will continue with this "friend" for now as it just feels right for me at this point.I am having a really great time with him and don't want to stop.I also am well aware that as time goes by things and feeling can change,who knows I may start to feel for him.I know I am somewhat closed off to "real" relationships but never have written them off for good.

...and you are right on CW,I do not want to be in a heavy commitment right now and deal with the daily running of it.I have 2 kids(now 18 and 22) from my husband and all my energy went into them and their well being after their father died.It is like my youngest turned 18 and I was like..its time for me..not that I won't always be mom of course I will.

I just want to have things light and fun right now.He does make me laugh and we do think a lot alike now that I think of it.I have no problem telling him what I'm thinking or needing.I will take it day by day and see where and how it goes.

Funny how when you look at it differently things fall into a better place and position and with more understanding i think sometimes.

I am sure that if you are therefore laughing and discussing things of what you are thinking or needing, then it's in a good place where it is, and it's not sex alone, it has more attached to it, so it is evident that you may very well both be happy where it is.

I don't think therefore you need to pose that question to him anymore, just be yourselves and be content at this stage of what you have without the "heaviness". Sounds like a good plan to me.

But have to add that

as well as you got that covered as well....!!!!

**Richard S** · 04-12-2008 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by Just1gal

I am looking for some input here. Is it possible for a guy to have sex with you and not get emotionally attached.

Absolutely.

A lot of times not dwelling on the feelings makes the sex a lot better.

In the future, you may look back on this relationship and realize that you were fond of him and there was an emotional connection, it was just expressed on a different level, in the silent understanding of two hearts who agree to live in the moment together, and just let it be what it is.

And that, my friend, is a precious thing. It's one of life's most precious things.

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