Thread: Ok, I suppose I'm in need of some advice...

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

I met my first proper (beyond a night) girlfriend a year and a half ago. I guess the relationship has been in steady decline since the first six months, as is generally the way, although I wouldn't say much has turned bad.

Things change, and you assume they'll change back - for instance she became more of stressball when she was doing her dissertation for university, which is to be expected, so you make allowances for that, but then she didn't just return to normal, she just stayed a constantly more uptight person (a different discussion really, but I think the pill has something to do with that).

The sexual side of things pretty much fell apart as well, she had an abortion a few years ago which has made her subconciously hate sex so her body just gives her pain to stop her doing it... Which means that any sex is just her trying to fulfill her obligation to you instead of a mutually fun activity - which obviously sees frequency dropping from every day to once a week (or not). Not that frequency means anything if the other person doesn't enjoy it. It's like if you throw a frog into boiling water, it'll jump out, but if you slowly heat the water up it'll stay there and die.

She's completely dependant, needing councelling and reasurrance and my godlike advice all the time, which is okay for a while, but with me being completely independant and only relying on myself there's a bit of a disparence there too. Emotionally maintaining her is a pretty full time job, and I get the idea that without me she'd just unravel and fall apart.

I'm at the conclusion where she's not the one for the rest of my life (I doubt anyone is to be honest), wheras she totally loves me and would be glad for me to be her all for the rest of her life..

About four months ago she tried pulling some lame ultimatum about something, which wound up backfiring for her. I came home to see a bed made up in the living room and there was "if you don't..." things. I said okay, if that's the way you feel, it's over, I'll move out. I said that I couldn't see our relationship lasting forever anyway, and that I feel I need to meet more people, explore life and live a little, and that since I saw no real future in it it may just be best to end it. That night she came back, crying and grovelling for me to take her back, how sorry she was and stuff - to be honest watching her cry and beg for me back was a bit sickening. Anyway, we stayed togher, I offered her no promises for the future and said I was moving out and to a better area for work.

Two weeks ago, I made the move, and moved out (over 200 miles away). She has to stay to finish her masters degree, and I wouldn't have wanted her to come and live with me anyway, to be frank I want to live alone. I wouldn't even want to live with Gail Porter when she still had her hair. He last words pretty much were "just don't keep anything from me, no lies", which I understand and I agree is fair. She's been worried for a while that I don't feel that way for her any more, that another woman will give me what she seems unwilling/unable to give.. We've talked on the phone and stuff since, but to be honest for a good while now (even living together) I saw her more as a friend than a lover, and felt that my freedom had been significantly eroded.

Last night, I wasn't really trying to, but I was quite off my face at a massive party, and I wound up snogging this girl on the dancefloor. I can't really blame the intoxication, because my mind basically said "well, I've got to live for myself too"... This morning the phones ringing... And I watch it ring out. To be honest I had no idea what to say. Just got a text without the usual "x" at the end, which is a tell-tale sign she's suspcious anyway.

You see, even though it won't sound at all like it from what I've written, I really do care for her, and I hate the idea of me being responsible for her pain (and, there's a chance she'd get depressed and drop out of uni etc). I also don't really want to lie to her. I've pretty much seen this relationship as over for a while, but she's so emotionally weak that I thought weening her off me would be better than "ding, it's over", so she could adjust to living alone without being completely depressed and stuff. I would like for her to remain a friend, she's one of the most important people in the world to me, so somehow I'd like our relationship to end without hatred, although I think maybe hating your ex's is just a defence mechanism against the pain, so maybe it would be better for her if she did hate me. I told her I wouldn't break up with her over the phone, when she was stating her worries about me moving to the big city.

I don't know if I should stay true to my word and tell her I wound up kissing some girl, or if I should find the least painful way to wrap up our relationship - it would hurt her pretty bad, to know that I did something without ending it first.. But I suppose any which way she's going to be upset.

I'm basically a very logical/rational creature, which is why I'm asking for advice... I'm not that great at dealing with peoples emotions. I'd greatly appreciate what ever words you guys can offer.

Thanks for reading - turned out to be a bit long...

Hi Anon..

Well it may very well be that she has become emotionally depended on you, as you have always offered her logical advice, and been there to support, whilst still being you.

I think you moving was the best thing you could have done, to start with as you know, the most important person unfortunately in life, is you. But, also because, it will make her grow in the understanding of you not being in each other's pockets and time sometimes is a very valuable thing.

I don't see the necessity even though you wish to be honest, to tell her about the "snogging", firstly it was a release for you and you are not emotionally attached to her anymore, other than "care" and a strong connection which is only natural from a long term relationship. It's not the same type of cheating, as you in your heart, (sorry that's an emotional word), don't have that love connection anymore and are trying to ween her of...

Time is the essense, the less you speak with her the more she will be able to stand on her own two feet again. And, well from everything read here, you and i both know that no point hanging around, if you are not in an equality relationship and that you can not "change" a person.

The true problem i see, with you not "breaking up" with her totally, is that she will be for sure, questioning, wondering, and all that insecurity which she already has a fair bit of, will come flying and you will get into such a rut and it may end worse.

Why not, try the "break thing", i know other's will disagree and say well that's just leading her on. But, i am thinking more of you wanting to maintain the friendship if possible, as you feel strongly i think to at least be there for her when she can't cope. And, i can only think this maybe the only way that you could achieve that.

But, unfortunately irrespective, people come and go in our lives and that is just a FACT...

Memories last a life time.

You need to think of yourself first i think, unfortuately and enjoy your life and have a bit of fun because from the sounds of things, you have been a grate mate, you tried a relationship and well, that wasn't the one for you. And, she unfortunately seems to have quite a few things to sort out for herself, so you being there constantly probably helps her pain, but not her to move on and get stronger, because " you are there" to ease the pain.

I understand the independent thing to. It's actually more exciting on a long term thing, to stay over each other's place but have your own space, to keep everything alive. Marriage , living together takes years and years and years of hard work. And they have to be "the one"... Now that in itself is hard. Having said that, that is only from an independent type person point of view, not general......regarding living together.

I just think, you leave yourself to have to say, yep miss you to, type of stuff when inside your saying, well as a friend and well that will play on you to everyday?

The alternative is "space" as i said. Just say it, i need space...

It's a hard situation your in, considering you have feelings as well which there is nothing wrong with that, but your over... it's over... it's your life and you can't hurt her unless your mean, it will hurt anyway.

CW