I have been married for thirty years and I have a problem with my husband flirting with my friends, women, etc... One time at the end of a wedding reception I noticed that he was missing along with my girlfriend of more than thirty-five years. I went looking for them for what seemed like 20-25 minutes and then they just seemed to appear walking down the hall (we were staying at a hotel). They were both drunk and he swears that he doesn't remember anything - of course we got into an argument -- but how can you argue with someone who claims they don't remember. This happened again last summer...we were at a party of one of my husband's co-worker's and my husband disappeared with his co-worker's wife (he was drunk again) I couldn't find them anywhere. About 10 minutes later they came from the house into the yard acting as if nothing happened. We left soon after and I was furious! Of course he claimed the next day that he doesn't remember doing that - he became very upset and started crying saying how much he loves me etc. I have been putting up with his flirting and gawking at other women and I am tired of living like this. I feel as if I can't trust him when he is drinking - if he acts that way when I'm around how is he acting when I'm not there. He did cheat on me 1x when we were married for 2 years and he knows how this almost destroyed me. I don't know if I can live with someone who I can't trust. When we go out I don't even enjoy myself - I'm always waiting for him to flirt or gawk and I can't stand living like this anymore. He is a different person when he is drinking otherwise he is a great husband and very supportive of me and our children. He only drinks when we go out or are at a party. This may sound naive, but do people really not remember things when they are drinking - it has never happened to me.

It seems to me that he is saying " he can't remember" there and then, not the next day?

That i haven't heard of, i've had a few to many on odd ocassion but i remember nearly everything, usual is simple like, i don't remember where i put the keys, or simular things.

My dad loves to flirt, mum gets mad but he has never cheated nor would he even contemplate it, i think he's quite nieve really when he tells a story and we advise that she was coming on to him and he seems confused, he thought it was simple happy chatty type thing...

It is difficult to trust someone after they cheated and certainly i think, impossible to forget.

30 years is a long time, you say he only seems to do this when drinking and heavily at that, but with friends? Or, people that your friends know and disappearing.

It seems like everytime you go out, you can't walk out proudly and feel great at putting on the nice clothes for the evening, without playing "Mother" checking up on her son, only it's your husband.

Either tell him he is not drinking when you go out to partys, or your both not going, or you'll leave him one of the two, put some boundries down.

You are not going to be able to establish what has happened, or not happened, unless the young ladies wish to divuldge, as he as sure will never spill, whether he remembers or not.

Put boundries down and stick to them.

I assume you believe that this only occurs when he drinks heavily and not in general, that is that he is not cheating on you at the moment with someone else.

To be honest, i couldn't cope with that, its a bit "serial", done it will do it, don't care attitude.

I would lose respect and love and walk.

But that's me.

Good luck, if he really loves you he'll agree, as this is your life to and you deserve to be happy.

CW

Hi - i hate to say this - but, im going to be perfectly honest with you and im not in any way doing this to hurt or upset you . I actually think by the sounds of your letter your a very sensible woman , you know whats going on and your NOT prepared to put up with this , and i dont blame you , i would put up with this .

Reading your post you say your husband has already cheated , but due to the fact its impossible for him or anyone to be drunk for the whole time he had that affair - he would of passed on with liver disease ! he carnt make the excuse of drink over that ...and due to the fact that he cannot be trusted to behave in public and hes going off and you carnt locate him, comes back with guilty excuses ..hes a naughty man full stop. The crying is TYPICAL of a man who knows hes been cought and hes trying to get your sympathy ...knowing women dont like to see a man cry ...its just twisting it around and is a lowdown dirty tactic !! but some women can and should see through that , your one of the sensible ones ...

Ive no doubt hes a good father and husband...but when drinking and when not drunk hes been a naughty man ...it seems to me when he get the chance he will go for it with women . Its disgusting the women did this at the wedding in front of you, im afraid id of given her a piece of my mind and more ...shes a horror , a nasty woman with an unbelievable cheek !

I know its difficult , its your husband but i would have a think about if you do want to continue being married to a guy like this ...of course you love him and im sure naturally he loves you...BUT he also likes to mess around with women if he gets the chance...

I would tell him ...one more time and im walking !!! at least that might bring him to his senses and dont go near parties or places that gives him the chance to behave the way he did ...

If he continues ...it might be worth thinking of how much better you could be treated with a man who wouldnt do this ..or perhaps if your open minded and its very hard to accept , i wouldnt like it myself but if you wanted to stay married ask him to have the manners if hes going to do it , to be discreet and have them in private ...or come to an arrangement ...but i just suggestesd that as a last resort and its not a happy or satifactory one .

I hope things improve soon and i send best wishes

Catherine

Having been married many more years than you have, I can imagine how you feel....His drinking is his excuse...He knows very well what he is doing and is using this as his shield.....Now it is up to you to either accept this or change it right now and never let it happen again....YOU and only YOU are in control.....If drinking is a problem, or his excuse, forbid it.....He cannot handle it, so he says, nor can you.......

Once you cheat it gets more acceptable each time.....He is being "da hot man" and let's face it....Women are crawling the walls to get laid and he is helping them out.....You should not have to tie a string to him, but if you have to do this to save your marriage....DO IT.....Take care and much love to you....Caroline.....

I agree with Caroline. If you keep getting into these fights after parties and social events, why not make an agreement that he has a two-drink maximum?

I think his "I don't remember" is a pretty thin veil for "You almost caught me." Disappearing with random women is unacceptable, for any amount of time, and what's he's also doing is making both of you look foolish, and you don't deserve that.

You know what's going on, and you have power as an equal partner in your marriage to make it stop.