Need Balance

**MMichelleE123** · 05-07-2008 02:48 PM

I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years when I decided to end it because my life revolved around my boyfriend who was boring. I would get angry when he would go out and spend time with his friends, or just feel jealous when he wasn't spending time with me. So I started dating a new guy, who I wasn't satisfied with because I always felt like he never told me how he felt about me, and I also accused him of not liking me. And I'm dating a guy currently, and I've just realized that I have trouble balancing my life when I have a boyfriend. I revolve my whole life around the guy. I always wonder what he is doing, why he isn't online, why he didn't call, if he will be mad if I hang out with certain people, if he will be okay with many of the decsions that I make. I can't help thinking this way, and it is just because I get too into the relationship and sorta forget about the rest of my life. I still do good in school (I'm a college student) but I feel like I do my homework, go to class and work then hang out with him and that is my life. And I know it is really unhealthy for me, but how do I do the things I love without having the guy on my mind 24/7? At the beginning of a relationship, everyone feels this way, but it is supposed to kinda go away after awhile. It goes away for the guys I'm with, but I still wanna be with them 24/7, and I still think about them non-stop. I get angry with him easily, and I accuse him of not liking me because I still have the super strong feelings from the beginning of the relationship.
So I am wondering what people do when they are in relationships to not be so obsessive, and not think about his every move, and how to just enjoy doing my own thing

**FionaDiaz** · 05-07-2008 03:12 PM

I was always a bit like that as well. I lost allmy friends when I started dating and my onlyl friends where the girlfriends or wives of my man's friends...

I always wanted to spend time with him and wanted him to feel the same way.

I've been married for over a year and that feeling still hasn't gone away. However, you will have to do a few things, one of which you will need to hide your jealousy and obsession with him and allow him to have his life away from you. It's good for you both.

Try to make plans as well, away from him. If you have any friends plan on a "ladies night" and go out with them, don't call him when you are with your friends, and don't cancel on your friends for him. Make rules for yourself to, for example, only call him once a day for 12minutes... don't call him on Thursdays and so on.

It will be very hard at first, I know, but soon you will fall into routine and things will become easier.

One thing about men, they love a chase and a challange. Don't let him "catch" you (or all your time)...

Don't play games or act like someone you are not, but try to tone down some of your more jealous ways, if you know what I mean.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-07-2008 05:00 PM

This is a pattern that will potentially destroy any good relationship you might come into. Men don't like needy women. Men don't like to be constantly tracked and harassed. This is something you need to get over, men need their space, and if you are interesting, you should too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-07-2008 05:27 PM

Some good advice there..

I'm pleased that you acknowledge your jealousy and obssession, that's a great start.

It will be difficult for you to find that "soul mate" in this cycle of pattern and each guy you'll ditch, or visa versa as either you will feel he doesn't love you enough, or he will feel closed in, can't breathe.

You need to start dreaming! Seeing things you want in your life, including hobbies, things you want to take up that you haven't...

It can't be all about, eating, sleeping, studying, boyfriend, and then all over again...

Start to get to know you.

There is a saying " if you don't love yourself, no one else is going to love you".

That doesn't mean "up yourself", just love being you, love you, then you'll look in the mirror and smile every day and become more assertive, instead of so needy...

Good luck.

CW

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-07-2008 05:35 PM

I thought the saying was, you cannot love someone else until you love yourself, but I suppose both are right.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-07-2008 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

I thought the saying was, you cannot love someone else until you love yourself, but I suppose both are right.

Can't recall, but the meaning is the same

, your right, as no one else can love you if you can't love who you are hey......

CW

**maggieanne** · 05-07-2008 06:56 PM

I've been dealing with a similar problem. What you need to remember, as one of the other women that replied to this thread is to avoid coming across needy. I know that you aren't needy in the relationship, just like I'm not needy. In fact I'm sure sometimes you'd like a little space but when he actually iniates getting together you get so excited and then go ahead and see him and then kick yourself later because just when you were starting to feel independant away from him all those feelings resurface. Yeah?

Anyway, my biggest advice you to would be to set limits for yourself as far as how often you see him, how often you sleep over, etc. I've done that and it really helped. Write it down and stick to it. No text messaging him randomly during the day. Men are creatures of challenge, so make yourself a challenge! He's naturally going to appreciate you way more when he has to work to get you. Once that starts happening (he calls and plans dates or texts in the middle of the day telling you you're beautiful) then you'll really know he cares about you and only you...which is what your initial issue has been right? You have to be the one to back off and make him work for you...otherwise you'll never know if he cares about you enough to give you the attention that you really want and need. I learned that just how men need to give affection (cuddling, cheesy cards, roses) to satisfy and reinforce their feelings toward women, women need to give men the space to earn their partners affection. It's two way. Give him space. You'll be doing yourself and he a favor. Chances are he knows how you feel...so chill out and let him come to you.

Sounds harsh. But its totally tried and true. He'll be a completely different man if you do this. I promise. If he doesn't change then he's just a loser and that's your red flag to jump ship!

Good luck!!

Maggie Anne

**commonsense** · 05-07-2008 10:44 PM

Originally Posted by MMichelleE123

I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years when I decided to end it because my life revolved around my boyfriend who was boring. I would get angry when he would go out and spend time with his friends, or just feel jealous when he wasn't spending time with me. So I started dating a new guy, who I wasn't satisfied with because I always felt like he never told me how he felt about me, and I also accused him of not liking me. And I'm dating a guy currently, and I've just realized that I have trouble balancing my life when I have a boyfriend. I revolve my whole life around the guy. I always wonder what he is doing, why he isn't online, why he didn't call, if he will be mad if I hang out with certain people, if he will be okay with many of the decsions that I make. I can't help thinking this way, and it is just because I get too into the relationship and sorta forget about the rest of my life. I still do good in school (I'm a college student) but I feel like I do my homework, go to class and work then hang out with him and that is my life. And I know it is really unhealthy for me, but how do I do the things I love without having the guy on my mind 24/7? At the beginning of a relationship, everyone feels this way, but it is supposed to kinda go away after awhile. It goes away for the guys I'm with, but I still wanna be with them 24/7, and I still think about them non-stop. I get angry with him easily, and I accuse him of not liking me because I still have the super strong feelings from the beginning of the relationship.
So I am wondering what people do when they are in relationships to not be so obsessive, and not think about his every move, and how to just enjoy doing my own thing

Hi congratulations on being in college and doing good things to better your future.
It is not healthy for you to center your life around your boyfriend.
I'm sure you have a hobby you could do or a new one you can become involved in. Also, there are many organizations that would love for you to volunteer with them a couple of days for a few hours a week. This will give back to the community, you will meet new friends, and learn some new things.
I don't know any guy who likes to be smothered. That's a fast way to the EXIT sign. Also, girls who do this are crushed if the guy dumps them.
Good luck on your future!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-08-2008 05:45 AM

maggieanne
I've been dealing with a similar problem. What you need to remember, as one of the other women that replied to this thread is to avoid coming across needy. I know that you aren't needy in the relationship, just like I'm not needy. In fact I'm sure sometimes you'd like a little space but when he actually iniates getting together you get so excited and then go ahead and see him and then kick yourself later because just when you were starting to feel independent away from him all those feelings resurface. Yeah?

How hard it it to be "allusive, assertive" but your right, each time you do it, ah, but, hey, hello? They just don't like it do they? lol...

How to be that woman, mmm.... obviously you have confidence and willing to "play the game" as that is what it is, cat/mouse - final catch, forget the eating bit.......

I"ve seen cats whom befriend mouses, sort of.....

Then you do your texting, give him what for.... Then what? Say nothing for a few days, make him wonder if your still there? His?

Interesting isn't it....

Why be needy then? Doesn't make sense?.....

commonsense
I don't know any guy who likes to be smothered. That's a fast way to the EXIT sign. Also, girls who do this are crushed if the guy dumps them.
Good luck on your future!

The thing that wasn't commonsense, was getting married for the wrong reasons, "age"... Before that, i was like what you are both pertaining, non-smothering, allusive, definitely not needy, independent, and i was the same in marriage don't get me wrong, but in my youthful years, IE) 18+ i was that needy one, and all you said commonsense, some wanted to exit, and others asked for marriage? Guess which ones asked for Marriage, those whom i treated mean, to keep them keen......

A learning curb perhaps to jump when young.. But an important, way important message.

CW

Private.Flangeamin · 05-08-2008 04:09 PM

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

I thought the saying was, you cannot love someone else until you love yourself, but I suppose both are right.

But you can love yourself too much and big headedness and arrogance is a huge turn off ...annon loves himself and things thats ok ...but thats because ......thats him !!

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