I guess I need another opinion. My husband of 20 years has a very large "extended family" by this I mean people that are not related in any way but he looks at as his family because they were there for him when he was young. This started 2 years ago when we went to the funeral of one of his "sisters" and another "sister" from FL showed up. That is how he introduced her. Since then that has been a whole lot of half truths from him. He started receiving cards and pictures from her. She sent presents and there were also phone calls. I had no problem with this because she was his "sister"
A few months ago she was coming into town with her daughter and needed someone to pick them up at the airport. My husband called me and asked if it was ok saying he didn't want to just do it then have me hear from someone else that he had done it. Red Flag! Sound like something is up to me.
So I started looking around. His myspace page had her daughter on it and they were conversing about her mother. And then she sent him and email with pictures attached. One of her mother and my husband. VERY clearly close. She was not just "sisterly" with him the used to date. First lie discovered.
So I looked at our cell phone bill detail which normally isn't on the bill but you can see it on line. seems that there were a whole lot of calls to and from FL also alot of texts. some of the calls lasted an hour and of course were during times that we were both at work.
Then I say and email that was written by my husband to her daughter (the "sister" doesn't have a computer) saying how he wishes he could go back to that time and he wonders how things would have turned out.
I busted him out on it. I am furious. To tell me she was like a sister and for two years lead me to believe that just so I would not suspect anything. Of course he says he was just talking to her and says he doesn't know how I would react if I knew the whole truth. Even tough he knows my outlook is I know you had a life before me. His EX wife comes to our house so where would this problem be?
After I confronted him he was very sorry for it or so he said, he said he loves me and wants to be with me and he realizes it was a mistake. Not buying it, he is sorry he got caught in my opinion.
He sent another email teling her daughter not to contact him until he can change his passwords or set something else up and that he was afraid I would say something to her husband or sons so if I did to just say I was and extremely jealous person and nothing was going on. (because her sons were thinking something was up according to one of her emails to my husband) He also sent her an email telling her to have her mom check her PO box that he sent her a card. Supposedly a birthday card and that he had told her in it that he could not be invloved with her any more. I told him that I didn't believe that because who would sent a Happy Birthday go away card??? and why was he sneaking to do it? Still.
There were still some calls on last months bill and he claims he doesn't remember making them?
He has become very affectionate toward me and started doing things that he has never done before like helping me out with things. I am trying to forgive him but that same feeling is still there. He says he didn't have sex with her that it was always just talking, but really would he tell me?
So what do you think? Please I need some outside opinions here.

He is cheating. He has been cheating since the moment he started talking to his ex. Wow sounds like a situation I went through 3 years ago with my ex fiance. We were supposed to get married and then I found all these phone calls and text messages being sent back and forth between he and his ex girlfriend from 6 YEARS AGO! haha I then questioned him about it and he, also, claimed he didn't remember making those calls and sending those messages. Honey, come to find out he had been cheating on me. I heard it from so many people and the whole situation just sounded so suspicious to me. Trust your instinct. Trust your heart, what it's saying to you. If you have any doubts at all... then get rid of him! Don't make someone a priority when they're only making you an option. Please take my advice, you would be so much happier with someone else or even alone. He's definitely not worth your time and happiness. Why would someone have to lie when they have nothing to hide??? The whole situation doesn't make any sense. And don't feel like you need him to get through life. You don't need any man to make you feel beautiful and help you around the house. Go out, get some girlfriends and have some fun and forget about him. He forgot about you all those times he spent talking to her. So why make him a priority?

That was my first thought but I wanted to believe that because he has told me it was just talking that I could forgive him. But I can't get it out of my head. I have been married to him for 20 years and actually together for 23. I have always felt that at least 80% of a marraige is trust. My problem is I can not trust him any more. He claims there was no sex which could be a lie. She lives in FL and I pretty much know where he is all the time. The only time I can think of that he would have had the chance is when he picked her up from the airport the last time she was here. It was also for a funeral. I went to the funeral home with him but not to the funeral. He didn't get home till like 6pm.
I have brought that up and his exact words were that after they talked at the funeral he realized then that there could be nothing between them. HOWEVER the phone calls and texts increased after that. I am sickened by the fact that her daughter is also involved. I met her the first time at the funeral home and she smiled in my face just like her mother all the while knowing what was taking place. I guess I trusted him to much.
We have 5 children that are his, mine and ours. I took care of his kids as if they were my own. One still lives with us and my youngest lives with us. It was really tearing my youngest up that this happened.
I am not worried that I could not make it on my own. I have a good job and could pay the bills. I just don't want to make a mistake and ditch 20+ years. I asked him if he was afraid of losing me or the things that we have. He said he knows he would have never had the material things we have if it wasn't for me. and that he doesn't want to lose ME he says he would sell it all.
I keep thinking because of the email saying don't reply wait until i change my passwords or something that he has set up another email address or another way of communicating even tough he says that he is not up on that stuff and doesn't want to be with her. My feeling is that she is in FL and she is married too so he feels he should stay with a sure thing.
I had told him that I forgave him just because I was going crazy having to deal with it all the time. Now I am dealing with it by myself. He never mentions it and sems to have changed.
I don't know still have that feeling. I can't trust him anymore.

My husband cheated on me, and this all sounds pretty close to how it was with him! I was unable to forgive him (though I tried) and we ended up seperating. I would suggest serperating from anyone who cheated.

When I left my husband I was able to figure out what I wanted... did I want to be single? Did I want to date someone else? Did I want to be with my husband?

My husband was also able to figure things out, did he really want to be with me or did he want to start over with someone else?

We were apart for 3months and my husband, during that time, went to church, called me daily (though I never talked to him much), emailed me and swore he had changed and now knows he never wants to be apart from me.

I was pregnant during that time and lost my baby, when we lost the pregnancy was the first time we were together since the split and decided we both wanted to be together.

I told him he would have to regain my trust, and had he done ANYTHING that I would consider a redflag, it would be over, I wouldn't even wait around to make sure I was right.

I told him I would be checking on him, but never gave details.

Somehow I have come to trust him again, but I put a keylogger on my computer and used to check his email daily, now I check it every once and awhile to keep peace of mind... I feel that soon I might even be able to trust him fully again, and stop checking his emails and checking on him...

My advice would be to leave him.

Interesting reponses, some seem contradictory. Do as I say not what I do?

23 years is alot of history. Why would anyone throw it away so easily?

Lay it out for him! I'd tell him to cut out any communications with the other woman, or else. I'd also recommend seeing a marriage counselor together. It doesn't sound like things have gone too far with him and the "sister" yet. But from the sound of it, it will get worse unless theres some sort of ultimatim.

Seeing I have no use in getting a marriage counselor into a situation that they would take weeks to just try and figure out, I would say go with your gut feeling...I guess I did not like what he said about if you parted that he would not have all the material things that you have now...He should have told you how much he loved you and desired you and that would do this until the day he died...There is something missing here and I think you can feel it too.

20 years is a lot of years to waste but are they wasted if you have learned something that you should have known. You will have to examine you. Can you live without him? Is this a wonderful and passionate marriage and worth saving? So many if's that you have to work out yourself...

Years ago my husband could have had an affair but did not. I have often thought of this and as much as I loved him could I ever let him go...Honey, the answer from me would be NO. Despite what he might have done, we are joined at the rib...You must remember that this woman also had something to do with this but also keep in mind that what you and he have going for you as a couple must be strong and loving and be able to withstand what has happened...Only his proving to you how much he loves you and your believing him will make this happen...Much luck to you.....Life is not easy and try as we may there just is not any lesson to help us out along these lines....Take Care, Caroline

Memories........ is what i see.

23 Years married, a loving relationship but probably a bit "stale", as obviously, not the honeymoon stage as it was years and years ago.

Memories.... she is at a funeral, he reminisces, talks to her, flirtation comes into it, can't help himself, nor her, he wants some form of "attention" and falls for the must communicate, need a bit of fun....

So, he does.

I can't determine the photo of her and him together that the daughter sent through, " when they were together, what 25 years ago, or during the past 20?".

Seems he doesn't want to stop communication though and is definitely going behind your back after telling you his woes, then wait until i get a new email address, or password, i sent a card....

He's lusting and busted.

I'd be sitting down with a cup of coffee and review your past few years together by yourself... Is it friendship? with a bond? Is it still very intimate, or just sex every now and then? Are you happy? Still in love?

Want to fight ? Or give in?

Then i would be sitting down with him and saying you know I've reviewed a few things, if it is me who you love let's do something about it, and get close again, intimate, sexy and you cook a meal once a week, light me some candles, let's get a bit cheeky whilst we are at it shall we?

You'll soon find out if he's 24/7 your way and backs of her, or just does those little things for you "guilt" and can't get it together therefore, is still lusting for her...

Sometimes, it's all about the game..... if you know what i mean.

You deserve to know, just checking up, not wanting to look at him let alone anything else, will push it in the other direction.

Play a game, use psychology and get him real good, then keep him, or get him real good and unfortnately, see that he's straying and then it's your choice from there, as your important to.

CW

If I am reading you right this would put your husband and you probably in your 50's or near it....This could be a man looking for lost youth...She would probably be of the same age group which again could be two people looking for a part of life that is rapidly disappearing on them and that they are trying to cling to to make them eternally young....This is so often a problem in the male as he ages......To accept the inevitable, being age, is to some men a tragedy....It is easier to try to escape to that place in time where age does not count but memories do....

Seeing that you both are past the a