Boyfriend problem! Am I unreasonable?

**pinkgirl** · 05-13-2008 09:15 AM

We've been together about 14 months and have a great, loving relationship and are very close. However, we had an argument last night and I'm not sure we can get over it

Basically it stems from a few things together:
1) When I do not want sex and he does, he says he is too turned on to be close to me and won't touch me (not our usual cuddling up in bed we both love) and appears irritated that I will not at least perform some sexual act on him so he is not frustrated (bear in mind this is rare anyway)
2) I do not like the taste of cum or the feeling of it in my mouth/throat and he knows this, but frequently asks me to do it for him and makes me feel selfish and bad for saying no, like I don't care about his feelings enough to get over it and that's bad
3) He thinks that I don't care about him as much as he cares about me because he goes down on me without complaining and likes the pleasure it gives me - I enjoy this therefore I am selfish for not doing it for him to the point of him coming in my mouth.
4) He says I should just tell him straight when not up for it, and not 'lead him on' or 'get his hopes up'... telling him repeatedly I am tired is not sufficient.

So last night, 1) occurred, because I am stressed due to exams coming up, I was really tired from the night before, and my period started. This led to requests as in 2) followed by argument about 3) and 4), and me being upset that he wouldn't hold me. Am I unreasonable??

I don't think this should be such a big thing (why can't he accept that I'm not always turned on when he is and that he can cum elsewhere?), but he thinks it's a big deal which we need to sort out, i.e. I should stop being selfish. I think it's ridiculous when our relationship is so good otherwise, and we both agree our sex life is amazing!

Any opinions?? Not sure what's for the best!

Thanks

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-13-2008 12:22 PM

I'm a guy, so I'm dangerously likely to agree with the other guy............

Sexual frustration in a relationship is never good. He probably feels like you're always satisfied, and he is perhaps 40% of the time. It can indeed wind him up if you're looking gorgeous lying on his lap without possibility of progression. Personally, I would have a problem with someone who couldn't even take my cum in their mouth, even if they were to just spit it out again, simply because it would lead to relatively poor oral sex. And you generally don't want bad sex, so....

All the girls here will tell you not to do anything you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable with, and I will say, that if he's always willing to do whatever to please you, where is the problem in reciprocating?

**FionaDiaz** · 05-13-2008 12:47 PM

I hate to agree with a guy on the topic of sex...

But anon is right about good oral, and if he does it for you why not do it back?... you should at least bring it to your mouth... if you want, you can just spit it on your breasts... some guys like that.

If you really cannot stand the taste of come, have him drink a lot of water during the day, eat healthy and add some apples to his meals! It changes the flavor of his come and makes it taste much better! Or put a piece of candy in your mouth while giving him oral (or have a glass of a hot or cold drink while doing it... it makes it more erotic) that way the flavor might be easier to handle!

I think we all suffer from number 4

"I'm tired", "I've got a headache", "I said no!" just aren't big enough hints when a man is turned on and we are not... and of course, they cannot stand to have us touching them (cuddling, hugging, snuggling) when they want something we are not about to give!

When you are not in the mood and he is, don't try to cuddle or even sit too close to him, you'll just have to put up with less affection the same way he will have to put up with less affection!

Sorry I'm not more on your side in this... believe me I'd rather be on the woman's side than the man's!! but try to think of things from his point of view, okay?

Oh, and when he tries to make you feel guilty for things roll your eyes at him... don't feel guilty for not being in the mood! There are many times I'm in the mood and my husband is not, after you are together for several years (or married for a couple!

) each person in the relationship will experience times when they are not in the mood for sex... and the other person will just have to deal with it!

**rcoreyus** · 05-13-2008 07:38 PM

If a guy is aroused, it can be very difficult to just cuddle. I don't know if women are affected the same way, but imaging being very hungry and being asked to walk by a barbicue because the food smells so good, but not being allowed to eat.

Oral sex seems a constant source of disagreements. People who enjoy doing it have trouble understanding those who don't "Its easy, gives your partner such pleasure, why not". People who hate doing it don't understand those who ask for it "Yuck - its disgusting - why do you keep insisting".

Combine the above and it gets tough. The guy feels (even if he doesn't say it) "I'm really staved for sex - why can't you just give me a quick BJ, I'm so horny it would only take a few minutes, and isn't that much work - I'd do the same for you". (and he would).

One possibility - it might be that he wants oral because he doesn't get it. Maybe if you did it regularly for a little while he would tire of it. But maybe not - and for you it would be an unpleasant experiment.

Since I'm one of those who enjoys giving oral, I don't really understand the other side - but I need to imagine being asked to do something I found really unpleasant. I don't know what I would do in that case.

So, for your issues:

1) If you don't feel like sex and he does, don't ask him to cuddle.

2) Tricky. He loves it, you hate it. This will be a constant source of stress. Wish I had a useful suggestion.

3) Since he enjoys giving you oral, and you hate giving him oral it really isn't the same thing.

4) If you aren't feeling like sex, try to avoid doing anything sexy. That is just teasing (in the bad sense).

Finally - sex is important, so it is worth trying to figure this out. Good sex can make a great relationship even better. Bad sex can ruin an otherwise great relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-14-2008 05:55 AM

rcoreyus
So, for your issues:

1) If you don't feel like sex and he does, don't ask him to cuddle.

2) Tricky. He loves it, you hate it. This will be a constant source of stress. Wish I had a useful suggestion.

3) Since he enjoys giving you oral, and you hate giving him oral it really isn't the same thing.

4) If you aren't feeling like sex, try to avoid doing anything sexy. That is just teasing (in the bad sense).

Finally - sex is important, so it is worth trying to figure this out. Good sex can make a great relationship even better. Bad sex can ruin an otherwise great relationship.

What you don't want is for him to "cum" elsewhere other than mastibation? Right?

Yes, we are tired, i work 7 days a week, run a business, tired.... But equality is important in a relationship....

You know, even when you are tired, cuddles, following by kissing can make you forget as your body takes over.

Relax more.... Stop thinking "tired" and think " love my man" and get more cheeky, we all have stressful lives, it's what the governments make us do, both work, to pay mortages, both work to support children, both work because we want your money, stuff it if your tired and the divorce rate rises, let alone broken relationships.

(Smile too deep), lol.

It is though amazing of how you can forget tiredness, if being loved.

Add it back in, he has an advantage he is not tired.. You are.... Can you work on relaxing, have a glass of wine, give him a nice passionate kiss, see if your body reacts, regardless, instead of settling for the TV and a cuddle? And, blame it on being tired? Cause you are but it's still a mental attitute.... Not a reality in the scheme of the things....

CW

**free spirit** · 05-15-2008 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by pinkgirl

We've been together about 14 months and have a great, loving relationship and are very close. However, we had an argument last night and I'm not sure we can get over it

Basically it stems from a few things together:
1) When I do not want sex and he does, he says he is too turned on to be close to me and won't touch me (not our usual cuddling up in bed we both love) and appears irritated that I will not at least perform some sexual act on him so he is not frustrated (bear in mind this is rare anyway)
2) I do not like the taste of cum or the feeling of it in my mouth/throat and he knows this, but frequently asks me to do it for him and makes me feel selfish and bad for saying no, like I don't care about his feelings enough to get over it and that's bad
3) He thinks that I don't care about him as much as he cares about me because he goes down on me without complaining and likes the pleasure it gives me - I enjoy this therefore I am selfish for not doing it for him to the point of him coming in my mouth.
4) He says I should just tell him straight when not up for it, and not 'lead him on' or 'get his hopes up'... telling him repeatedly I am tired is not sufficient.

So last night, 1) occurred, because I am stressed due to exams coming up, I was really tired from the night before, and my period started. This led to requests as in 2) followed by argument about 3) and 4), and me being upset that he wouldn't hold me. Am I unreasonable??

I don't think this should be such a big thing (why can't he accept that I'm not always turned on when he is and that he can cum elsewhere?), but he thinks it's a big deal which we need to sort out, i.e. I should stop being selfish. I think it's ridiculous when our relationship is so good otherwise, and we both agree our sex life is amazing!

Any opinions?? Not sure what's for the best!

Thanks

Sorry guys, I'm going to disagree. He sounds selfish and he's acting like a spoiled child. If she doesn't like cum in her mouth, she shouldn't be coerced into it or made to feel selfish. We all have our likes and dislikes. Get over it.

He should be man enough to respect her being tired. If he can't handle that now, he will never be able to handle a wife with children. Then he'll find out what 'tired' really means.

He's also not very versed on how to treat a woman. They way to a woman is through respect. Cuddling on the couch with no expectations, allowing her the freedom to feel free from pressure and helping out when she's tired. Constant pressure to perform will only cause more tension and anxiety. Sex will no longer be pleasurable, it will become a chore and eventually ruin the relationship.

It's time for some adult conversation.

**pinkgirl** · 05-15-2008 01:46 PM

Thanks for all your advice/opinions!

Well, we talked it through (we were both miserable because we were arguing) and sorted things out. I think we can reach a compromise - he understands that I don't like it but I'm willing to try for him; FionaDiaz's ideas sound like they're worth trying! If it doesn't work out, at least he can't complain because I've given it a fair go for him! He apologised for getting all annoyed and being unreasonable too.

I can understand the point about not teasing him when I'm up for it and he's not by wanting cuddles etc. but at the same time I agree with free spirit:

Originally Posted by free spirit

They way to a woman is through respect. Cuddling on the couch with no expectations, allowing her the freedom to feel free from pressure and helping out when she's tired. Constant pressure to perform will only cause more tension and anxiety.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect that. Is it really so much to ask to expect him to deal with the frustration occasionally?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-15-2008 05:45 PM

Originally Posted by pinkgirl

Thanks for all your advice/opinions!

Well, we talked it through (we were both miserable because we were arguing) and sorted things out. I think we can reach a compromise - he understands that I don't like it but I'm willing to try for him; FionaDiaz's ideas sound like they're worth trying! If it doesn't work out, at least he can't complain because I've given it a fair go for him! He apologised for getting all annoyed and being unreasonable too.

I can understand the point about not teasing him when I'm up for it and he's not by wanting cuddles etc. but at the same time I agree with free spirit:

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect that. Is it really so much to ask to expect him to deal with the frustration occasionally?

It's great, the fact that you can talk things through, it's when you can't there is a problem so that's a huge bonus.

I think because the way you wrote the thread 1, 2, 3, that it may have been construed ( well to me anyway ) that you were the tired one and not doing and he was getting edgy and having a go in all areas....

Having read freespirits post, and your reply, no, ther is no reason why you can't have your space and not want sex, just cuddles on the couch on occasions.

Nor, agreed do you have to like taking in his cum, but good for you for at least agreeing to try, what else can a guy honestly ask of a woman?

CW

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-15-2008 08:47 PM

Originally Posted by free spirit

Sorry guys, I'm going to disagree. He sounds selfish and he's acting like a spoiled child. If she doesn't like cum in her mouth, she shouldn't be coerced into it or made to feel selfish. We all have our likes and dislikes. Get over it.

Kinda like enjoying oral but never reciprocating? Aren't you trying to coerce him by making him the selfish one? Not that this is in the spirit of things, but many people don't like washing the dishes, it doens't mean that the relationship will last if one refuses to ever do it.

Originally Posted by free spirit

He should be man enough to respect her being tired. If he can't handle that now, he will never be able to handle a wife with children. Then he'll find out what 'tired' really means.

Tired means that you should've been sexual enough to either not worry about being tired (not many guys have this problem, and it's us who do 90% of the work), or for finding some time during the day that you weren't tired. Tired means that you aren't interested enough in sex to make it a priority, and then when you have children for an excuse you can become asexual, or run your partner soley on your unsatisfying sex drive. Being happy with a rubbish sex life isn't being "man enough".

Originally Posted by free spirit

He's also not very versed on how to treat a woman. They way to a woman is through respect. Cuddling on the couch with no expectations, allowing her the freedom to feel free from pressure and helping out when she's tired. Constant pressure to perform will only cause more tension and anxiety. Sex will no longer be pleasurable, it will become a chore and eventually ruin the relationship.

It's time for some adult conversation.

Nor is she well versed on how to treat a man. The way to a mans heart is through his stomach and penis, haha. She has no idea how to keep her man sexually satisfied, and when a man isn't satisfied, his effort in other areas of the relationship will dwindle. Not feeling like you HAVE to have sex is all well and good, but dressing sexy and cuddling and kissing a guy with absolutely no chance of anything developing is called teasing, and as rorycues rightly points out, that's worse than simply no sex.

With the guy being unsatisfied, sex will definately ruin the relationship.

**FionaDiaz** · 05-15-2008 10:44 PM

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

not many guys have this problem, and it's us who do 90% of the work...

Since when!?! LMAO

Jeeze, either Guatemalans are the most lazy men on earth, or your partner is pretty **** lucky!

*imagining being lazy during sex*

Thread: Boyfriend problem! Am I unreasonable?

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Boyfriend problem! Am I unreasonable?

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions