How To Get Over Someone's Past...

**Ravsoma** · 05-21-2008 08:43 PM

I've known this certain person for two years and I've liked him ever since the day I met him. We haven't talked in the past two years because I kinda put a wedge between the two of us and now we're picking up the pieces. We're going through this phase of "mutual admiration." We both have feelings for each others, but it's way too risky to date at the moment. My reasons for not dating him are slightly different than his...

When I first met him he had slept with only two women and I was on the edge with that because I was a virgin back then and I felt that being a virgin was the most important thing in the world. Two years later (still a virgin), I contact him and we talk for a few weeks and then I find out that in the time we haven't talked that he's had sex with two more women and one was a one-night stand.

It shouldn't get to me, but it does. He always told me he wasn't the guy to have a one-night stand and he would never do that and now I find out that he's been lying to me because he was "ashamed." I feel that if he really cared about me that he wouldn't lie, but I'm selfish... blah blah blah.

It's his past. I should let him deal with it, but it's hard. How is that supposed to make me feel? I know I'm not even in the position to pass judgment on him, but I just feel so dirty knowing what's he's done and that I could be his 5th. It's disgusting and I haven't found the way to get over it.

We could be a cute couple if I hadn't freaked out a few years ago and caused him to cut off all contact with me. We could have still been a couple, but now I feel so guilty for it all.

How do you get over someone's past so that you two can be happy together? How do you learn how to just let go of something that's not your business?

**lovemyself1** · 05-22-2008 01:14 AM

Ravsoma,
i had been in a similar situation. i was married and he was my first and only. when we split and i was thrown back into the dating world...it was scary, still is. i used to look down on people that had more than one or 2 different sexual experiences under their belt. that is until i myself had a few more partners over the years, even a one night stand. i learned to get over other people's past because i learned how tough it is to be single these days.
Just try to remember that if you decide to date him, he is choosing to date you and only you. obviously his past partners meant nothing to him cuz they are in his past.
also try to remember that those past experiences made him the person he is today. is he a bad person? a player? if he is then stay away, but if he has a good heart and you know that, then go for it.
Are you saving yourself for marriage, or just when you fall in love?
Oh yeah, 4 or 5 partners is not much at all for a man. i once dated a guy that had like over 100 partners

( yes i used protection

)!! is he hiding any more partners from you?
keep us posted on what you decide. also talk about it with him, find out why he slept with those women, that can help too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-22-2008 08:44 PM

Originally Posted by Ravsoma

I've known this certain person for two years and I've liked him ever since the day I met him. We haven't talked in the past two years because I kinda put a wedge between the two of us and now we're picking up the pieces. We're going through this phase of "mutual admiration." We both have feelings for each others, but it's way too risky to date at the moment. My reasons for not dating him are slightly different than his...

When I first met him he had slept with only two women and I was on the edge with that because I was a virgin back then and I felt that being a virgin was the most important thing in the world. Two years later (still a virgin), I contact him and we talk for a few weeks and then I find out that in the time we haven't talked that he's had sex with two more women and one was a one-night stand.

It shouldn't get to me, but it does. He always told me he wasn't the guy to have a one-night stand and he would never do that and now I find out that he's been lying to me because he was "ashamed." I feel that if he really cared about me that he wouldn't lie, but I'm selfish... blah blah blah.

It's his past. I should let him deal with it, but it's hard. How is that supposed to make me feel? I know I'm not even in the position to pass judgment on him, but I just feel so dirty knowing what's he's done and that I could be his 5th. It's disgusting and I haven't found the way to get over it.

We could be a cute couple if I hadn't freaked out a few years ago and caused him to cut off all contact with me. We could have still been a couple, but now I feel so guilty for it all.

How do you get over someone's past so that you two can be happy together? How do you learn how to just let go of something that's not your business?

Hi,

I think your being hard on yourself.

I don't think he did those things because he wanted to get back at you, but simply you were no longer in that picture and he moved in different directions... Perhaps as he lost his virginity, he didn't care regarding the one night stand in the end.

But, it doesn't appear he lied to you, as you state 1) this occured in the period of time that you both were not talking and 2) he told you, you have to be happy with that side. Communication is everything.

You don't feel trust because he has been with just that couple more than beforehand and you obviously have feelings for him, something pushed things away but now they are back on track?

You obviously feel that maybe things may progress between you and i think you have a fear more than anything because (2) you could handle but more is hard for you to handle.

I also thinks it's fantastic that you are waiting for "the right one". But the right one doesn't mean that he hasn't experienced, it means that he loves you with his heart and soul and would do nothing to hurt you in "your" relationship together. And, visa versa.

Nor do you or should you have to feel guilty that 2 years have passed and he has been with a couple more. That's not your fault. A person will do what they want to do, or not...

There is no past:- In as much as concentrate on the NOW and FUTURE... that's what's important or else you'll not get along this time around and another 2 years will go by won't it... maybe...

We live for today and tomorrow not yesterday.

Yesterday you were probably a different person as well, than what you are today and what you'll be tomorrow.

Just let it all go and concentrate on NOW.....

Seems there is something that has bought you both back together and that's all that is important.

CW

**Ravsoma** · 05-24-2008 11:18 PM

lovemyself1-
I see where you're coming from, but I don't plan on sleeping with anyone anytime soon. I know it's bad to say "never," but I can control my future and I don't want to give myself to someone who has been with other people in the past because how will I ever place myself in their life? I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. I've been with no one and he's been with 4 (actually 5, but that one doesn't count). How can I just ...I can't ever phrase the sentence.

It's hard liking someone you want no part of. Well, I obviously want some part of him, but how can I get into a relationship with him if I'll always have what he's done on my mind. Say we're having sex. What if he's comparing me to other girls. I'll be embarrassed just laying there, doing nothing because he's experienced and knows exactly what to do. How can you be intimate with someone like that? Hasn't he used all his intimacy up? Isn't it all routine and repetition?

I know I make no sense, but this is how I feel. I'm having such a hard time and he knows it and that's why he's been putting distance between us.

CHANDLERS WISH-
I think he did lie to me. I remember when we first started talking again, he asked me if I had lost my virginity and I told him no and he just blurted out that he had had sex in the past two year with a girl that he was dating for 3 months. This is where it all started. I was counting 3 girls he slept with and he was telling me two and he swore up and down that he wasn't the guy to have a one-night-stand and I was crushed when he told me he did. I'm easy to lie to.

I am waiting for the right one, but I don't know how to get into a relationship with someone I plan on giving my whole heart to when I know he's giving his heart many times to other people. There wouldn't be a place for me.

Thank you two for your help, but I'm starting to think that it would be better for me to tell him that I can't date him and that he should just look for someone else.

C · 05-24-2008 11:29 PM

I saw this post but decided to stay away from it...Age does have hinderance, but sometimes I push that part of me away and go right in....

A guy thinks of sex different than a woman...They can have casual flings and they mean nothing...We women, hold this virtue as something more special....I know, I, too was a virgin...If you want to get serious then have it out with him.... You have held yourself chaste for a reason...Yours is a gift that is given up once and you have looked at life this way and it is not wrong...I had 12 years of parochial school so I know of where you are...But then again you just may want to give him this special gift if you have deep feelings for him...Nothing is wrong in love....

Don't hold the girls he has had against him....He sounds pretty normal...Talk and be honest with each other and go from there....Now have a great life...Take care, Caroline

**Fallen1** · 05-24-2008 11:48 PM

Originally Posted by Ravsoma

Thank you two for your help, but I'm starting to think that it would be better for me to tell him that I can't date him and that he should just look for someone else.

I think you have answered this question for yourself.

If this is something that you just can't look over, then definitely you need need to think about moving on as it will just "fester" up inside you and cause problems in the future.

FYI ... I understand completely where you are coming from.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-25-2008 01:02 AM

Well no point him telling lies now as it will keep happening.

Maybe he felt he had to because he knows you are still a Virgin.

Irrespective you said that you contacted him after all this time, but he felt the need to lie, conceal? Perhaps in knowledge that in general we are not preditors, we do not want one night stands usually, we are wanting "it all"....

Lying anyway is wrong, a good relationship, foundation is based on honesty and you go from there, whether you like what you are told or not.

As Fallen 1 said, you've answered your question.

As C said, unfortunately men sees things differently where sex is concerned.

You follow your "heart" and "gut feeling, that little intuition thing" it rarely lets us women down. ( smile)

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-25-2008 03:15 AM

I just want to add something here.

I know you have your heart set on giving it to "the one"..

But who is the one?

None of us have a crystal ball.

For instance, i have waited 12 months which i didn't have to do, to be with someone, how do i know he is "the one", i should have waited for?

You just do if you hold some form of bond with someone, you don't go out and do it and then, shhhh meet up eventually with him and do it with him?

What i am trying to say therefore, is "the one" may not be a Virgin...

The older you get as well the less likely that you will find that, but nevertheless, not saying that there aren't plenty of male Virgins around hey.

You will know who he is and if he is or not, " a Virgin" it is honestly NOT going to worry you at all, and it certainly is not going to worry him, he will feel honoured.

Is it repetative? Not at all. Will you just lay there? No way. Just because your a Virgin doesn't mean that you won't have passion for that person, you will... because you will be madly in-love.

This guy your talking about honestly sounds young anyway... That being that it is not a question to pose a lady " are you still a Virgin?"... Unless your hopeful to change that.

Youth also speaks silly, like " i've been with" in order for supposidly you to feel great " experienced"???? Silly really but that's youth.

If he was the right one, you would feel it inside....

Be patient but don't put tickets on them that they have to be Virgins, and don't put fear in yourself either that you will just lay there, that will not happen at all.

Do, however, smile and know he's there somewhere of course and he'll find you/or you him and you will meet.

Romantic i know but falling in love is romantic.

Have a bit of faith and use your intiuition women were given

CW

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-25-2008 10:25 AM

Men are men. Any man who doesn't have a past wishes they did.

It's just reality that men like to sleep with women - if they didn't the human race wouldn't be here today.

It seems pretty harsh to judge him on that. If he lied her into bed saying her loved her and stuff, then it's a bit off, but you know women can enjoy one night stands too (less frequently than men).

**Ravsoma** · 05-25-2008 11:04 AM

anonymouswhitefemale-

I already said that it's horrible to judge him on something like that, but you don't quite understand where I'm coming from and maybe it's better than you didn't. I'll just put it in simple terms; I don't want a man that's been used. Most of the guys nowadays are that way, so there's a slim chance that I'll ever find someone that fits me, but I'm fine with that.
You're a guy, therefore you know how a man works. I get it. Thank you.

Chandlers Wish-

Um... He's not exactly young. Well, it me he isn't. To some of you he might be young. -shrugs- I have no idea.

I've kinda given up on the love department now that I think about it. It's all a waste of time.

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