Commitment - Are ultimatums the answer?
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 6 years but he is still unsure about whether he is ready to live with me. I'm 27, he's 28 and after all this time together I am looking for some commitment.
He is quite a lazy person naturally and basically smokes a lot of weed, he still lives at home, he likes watching sport all the time and seeing his friend and he can't drive, he's not a very ambitous person. On the good side, he is very caring, he is not the sort of person who would cheat, I fancy him and although he his these bad points there are many girls who do fancy him too.
I am the sort of person who is ambitous, I work very hard, I like doing things all the time. He does say that I am bossy, he says that I expect too much and I put pressure on him (so this is my bad side).
So anyway, 2 years ago I did finish with him and dated other guys, I went back to him, then split up, got back together, and so on to the point where we are back together again. I basically built up my social life without him and went out all the time but I can't seem move on with anyone else (even though other guys do want a relationship with me) as I still love my boyfriend. I told him when we first split up that our relationship cannot work if he's not willing to change some things about his life, but I went back again and again and there had been literally no change until 2 weeks ago when he decided that he would stop smoking.
The problem is that after waiting all this time, I don't feel it's good enough, especially when he's only made one slight change. He says I am unreasonable, because he is making changes now. I tried to ask him whether he would consider renting a place with me to see how things go, but he has turned everything round on me and said that I have neglected him in the last 2 years and I haven't made the effort (I guess I haven't). Now I feel that I am the one at fault. He says that he does love me but still needs time, I guess I wouldn't mind this if he wanted to spend more time with me, but we still only see each other 3 times a week. I also notice that more recently he gets annoyed with me if I try to talk about things to do with our relationship.
I want to say to him that if he is not willing to live with me and us both make a real effort for each other then I will not ever have a relationship with him again.
So the question is: is an ultimatum reasonable when trying to get a man to commit? Or will it just push him away and will I be the one to ruin it, bearing in mind that I have not put my full effort into things in the last two years?
S
I think that giving ultimatums are very risky at best.
Probably the best way to go about getting some kind of improvement is to be willing to compromise - both of you. Surely, if he loves you and wants things to work, he would be willing to come to a reasonable compromise that you both could live with.
If compromising is not an option, then it may just be best to move on.
OK, smoking weed generally causes laziness and a lack of ambition. This is not just when he is stoned, it is always, even after he stops for a while. It is psychologically addictive and habit forming. Prolonged heavy consumption can have fairly severe mental health risks in some cases, also dependant at what age he started smoking (not to mention the physical health of smoking..). The younger someone is the more of an affect it has. Weed supresses the agitation that you aren't doing anything with your life, you can drift along and let it fly by. I know all of this because I was a heavy "user" for about 5 years. I have seen the effects it has taken on many of my friends and aquaintences. I say this, because you need to understand that it is no small thing that he has kicked that habit. It is a change that over time will transform his life. It is not "slight" at all, credit where credit is due - (if he's having difficulty stopping weed, get him to transfer to hashish, as it doesn't scramble your brain the same way that weed/skunk does).
Also, generally, if you're a smoker, you will dislike stress - which you seem to be handing him in spades. He won't want to deal with any of these problems that you are presenting him, he will step back and hope that they dissipate. He will be defensive in this. The reason he is getting more irritated with you talking about relationship issues is because you are trying to change him more and more, as time goes by, as your indication of an ultimatum shows.... Men don't like to be changed, and women love to change men. This will always raise problems, but in your case this could be quite counter-productive. Also, for someone who won't like stress and bossiness, the prospect of moving in with a woman on a mission to change him will not be an attractive one. Moving in together in the best of cases is hazardous, and fatally so for a man that needs his space.
If I was him, and you gave me that ultimatum, I'd let you walk - without a doubt. Men don't like to be pushed into a corner, and will often deny you just to spite you and show that we won't be pushed around. Also, the fact that you've come crawling back to him a few times already won't exactly make him that concerned by your threat, no matter how much you mean it.
Short answer: No, an ultimatum is definately not the answer, and you should probably get off his back, gently encourage him, and whatever happens happens. A man won't be happy being forced into something anyway, even if it was what he wanted. Not to mention that if you've been the weaker link in the relationship for two whole years, you are in no position of power to dispense the ultimatum.
Hey anon, its more like "Women love to try to change men..." - not that they can be changed! And its some women. And I don't understand them.
Ultimatums do not work. And why would anyone want to be with someone they had to threaten in order to get them to stay?
Heavy pot smoker, even though its "just" pot, is another term for addict. I say this as a former moderate user, not judging.
To be quite rude but put it in a nutshell, he's a loser stoner slacker who lives with his mom and dad. Super keeper, that one.
You just described my last relationship almost to a tee! I'm super ambitious and my ex was/is a pot head. After years of struggling to get him to do things with me I finally gave up and decided to just be me and do the things I wanted whether he came along or not. 9 times our of ten he stayed home and got high. After six years and a lot of couples counseling (which he rarely attended) we broke up. (some of my friends didn't even realize I even had a boyfriend) The final straw for me was one day at the counselors office she said that if I was going to give him an ultimatum then I had to be 100% ready to back it up, no matter what the outcome. I realized that once you are to the point of an ultimatum the relationship is already over.
Like the other poster said, who wants to be with someone you have to threaten to stay with you.
By the way, I love my ex very much and he's a wonderful person. But looking back I don't know how I did it for so long. I'm extremely driven and even though he was a hard worker that's all there was. Go to work, come home, smoke pot, sleep. Ugh. You should really think long and hard about whether or not you can do that for the next 50 years.
Been There!
I learned the hard way that love is not about giving ultimatums, its about giving yourself... and vice-versa. If he's not willing to do that with little things, he obviously won't be able to do that with more important things. I cried myself to sleep for a long time because of a similar situation, I won't do it again!
Katelynn7
Exactly, well said.Originally Posted by Katelynn7
Ultimataum=Bad
I agree with everyone who has already posted.
An ultimataum is not the answer.
I've been in the same situation, boyfriend who is lazy, smokes weed, and I too tried to change him. It didn't work. I love my boy. We have now been dating for 15 months and I couldn't be happier. A few months ago we broke up, and it was because he was tired of me trying to change him. I realized I didn't want to be without him, I loved him, and then I realized to truly love someone you have to accept who they are, you may not always agree with it, but you accept it, and if you can't accept things, and you still want to change him, you will never be happy, and the relationship won't work.
He won't change unless he wants to change. And he won't be ready to move in until he decides he is ready. No amount of words from you will make him feel prepared for that until he is confident in himself. If he is lazy and stays at home as much as you say he does, then he is just barely taking care of himself, and if he is just barely taking care of himself, then the thought of moving in with you will terrify him, because then he is somewhat responsible for you too. And how can he do that for you when he isn't full doing it for himself?
Take it from someone who has been in your shoes, and was able to save the relationship and couldn't be happier. Accept him for who he is, let him grow and change at his own pace, and if you can't do these things, then leave. It'll be better in the end.
Best of luck.
He is a LOOSER
He is manipulating you. He is a looser and will never change, or change momentarily until he gets his way again. You are best to move on, and do it quickly. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!! Believe in yourself.
Posting Permissions
Connect with Facebook
LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks