He has a baby...

**kallicat** · 06-02-2008 11:19 PM

So first off, i'm new to this site. but it seems pretty cool so i joined. hi everyone!

Now my problem... my boyfriend of a year has a baby. its not mine. he got his ex pregnant right before we got together. (i'm talking just a couple of weeks). 8 1/2 months into our relationship the baby was born. Well he was honest about it from the start, that she was pregnant. But he said he wasn't the father. So i didn't think much of it. He kept up that lie until right before she was born. Lied to me, and his whole family and denied it was his. Well now that she's born he swears he's "known all along. he just didn't want to lose me". But i just can't believe it... because i still don't think it could be his. They weren't officially together, he was off with other girls who says she wasn't with other guys? (besides her). I can't get him to be reasonable about doing a paternity test. It feels like the only thing i need to be able to accept that all this is real. She lives in new mexico and we're in cali. when he went out to see the baby with his mom they all "fell in love" and now his mom and her are best friends, and i'm the "bad guy". And his first excuse when i asked why he didn't want to do a test was because he doesn't want to get heart broken. Kinda seems like theres a small doubt in his head that he won't admit to right? And his only other excuse was that she looks like him. Shes only 3 months old, and Maury is proof that looks don't make a guy the father. (i feel like my life now has become that show). I just need help. Any advice from anyone? anyone been in a similar situation? (and no, this is not like dating a man with kids because atleast you know before hand that he has them). Not trying to be rude... but people compare it to that all the time and i don't think its anything like that at all.

**ChelseaRenee** · 06-02-2008 11:38 PM

Originally Posted by kallicat

So first off, i'm new to this site. but it seems pretty cool so i joined. hi everyone!

Now my problem... my boyfriend of a year has a baby. its not mine. he got his ex pregnant right before we got together. (i'm talking just a couple of weeks). 8 1/2 months into our relationship the baby was born. Well he was honest about it from the start, that she was pregnant. But he said he wasn't the father. So i didn't think much of it. He kept up that lie until right before she was born. Lied to me, and his whole family and denied it was his. Well now that she's born he swears he's "known all along. he just didn't want to lose me". But i just can't believe it... because i still don't think it could be his. They weren't officially together, he was off with other girls who says she wasn't with other guys? (besides her). I can't get him to be reasonable about doing a paternity test. It feels like the only thing i need to be able to accept that all this is real. She lives in new mexico and we're in cali. when he went out to see the baby with his mom they all "fell in love" and now his mom and her are best friends, and i'm the "bad guy". And his first excuse when i asked why he didn't want to do a test was because he doesn't want to get heart broken. Kinda seems like theres a small doubt in his head that he won't admit to right? And his only other excuse was that she looks like him. Shes only 3 months old, and Maury is proof that looks don't make a guy the father. (i feel like my life now has become that show). I just need help. Any advice from anyone? anyone been in a similar situation? (and no, this is not like dating a man with kids because atleast you know before hand that he has them). Not trying to be rude... but people compare it to that all the time and i don't think its anything like that at all.

Wow...How are YOU the bad guy when he lied to you the whole time? You're a heck of a lot nicer than I am cuz i'd be gone, because that's a HUGE lie and you stuck around. All trust would be gone for me at that point. But the paternity test thing, i mean...that's not really your call. If he wants to act as "daddy", no matter what the paternity, more power to him, and I think you should respect that. Because it is his baby-his baby, his life. Even if he does have doubts, he still has a right to be there. A years a long time, and obviously it's a serious relationship, but in the end, his baby is going to be more important to him, just like if you had a baby, it would be more important to you than he is. Just my 2 cents, i've never been in that situation, thank goodness.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-03-2008 01:48 AM

Well, there's a couple of things that i see.

1. If he "trusted her", when he found out she was pregnant, he would have stayed with her...

I think there has always been a doubt and he may very well at first been a bit 50/50 on if the baby was his or not.

2. He should have stated this at the beginning, but he moved on, met you and possibly didn't want to lose you.

So, i think that is no excuse for him not to hint a few weeks into the relationship once, established that just maybe it may be his.

I also agree with Chelsea a baby is a baby, whilst he may have fear of not wanting to know, he may also have the want of feeling that it is his, that she did not cheat on him... There could be a lot of reasons that hurt him, as to why he doesn't want a test.

I would say he's "hoping" you won't care, and has all along..

Grandmother's WANT grandchildren. His Mother would be over the moon and of course she is going to be-friend this girl... She will not want to "not" be in touch with her grandchild, you have to look like the bad one, for the time being... Emotions and fears would be playing a huge part here.

I would be a bit proud that he didn't want to lose you, a bit ed that he kept it from you and a bit, understanding that he may be hurting inside, over the fact that he doesn't really know, and therefore, doesn't really want to find out.

It is for sure hard on you, i do feel for you and i don't know what i would do but if i Loved him, truly loved him, i would know him, therefore, i would be able to read between the lines and know how he's thinking, feeling and support him...Whilst letting him know i don't accept lies, i never will again, and i want to know how he's feeling about it all.

I would then deside what is best for me, and perhaps him.

I have a thought " if you love someone, truly love them, then if they are yours they will come back to you"...

But that's me..

CW

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 06-03-2008 10:56 AM

I'm a guy, but I'd be gone. Life's too short to get mixed up in someone elses family. The fact that he iied about it is a pretty poor show.

Also, if it is his child, then you sorta are the baddy, even though that's obviously not true.

**Nygirl5885** · 06-04-2008 10:58 PM

i kinda feel bad for you ... because you are caught up in a sticky situation. i mean you really have to sit down and think .. can i trust this guy??? why didn't he try to be with her and help out if he knew all along the baby was his?? can you trust him to be there for you if you ever get pregnant?? i have little respect for this guy ... he ditched her.

i don't know how you're hanging in there by his side but .... hmmm .... good luck i guess

**pinkgirl** · 06-06-2008 02:32 AM

I don't have any experience of a similar situation, but I know that if my boyfriend lied to me about something (and not just something trivial!) for that long then I wouldn't trust him any more and I think trust is very important in a relationship. The fact that he did it so he wouldn't lose you is irrelevant in my opinion.

How could he think that lying for 8 1/2 months then telling you this would be better than just telling you from the start?

Also, regarding the paternity test thing; if he leaves it longer surely it'll only get worse, like if he finds out the baby isn't his when she's older, or when she's grown up and finds out there's a chance there's a different father. And what about her real father if it's not your boyfriend? I suppose you can't really push it though, it's up to him and the mother. (I watch chat shows too often, and this DNA testing sort of thing always comes up!)

**talk time** · 06-09-2008 09:33 AM

wow this is atricky one and I feel for you situation. I think the issue here is that he lied to you not that he had a baby.

Would you have stayed with him if you had known from the start? I guess at least you would have had that choice and he didn't give you that chance. but you do have a choice now.

from a slightly different angle:
a father is more about who the child recognises as there father and who raises them than pure biology.

My partner has a daughter, his ex had had lots of affairs and he really isn't sure of the biology but he has been the one to father her, even though they are not together, so I belief that makes him her father.

I feel for your situation because of the lack of trueth. Does it really matter though that he doesn't know the biology, I mean really a father is more than the one that donates the sperm. If he can be a good father to 'his baby', thats one more good father in the world.

Good luck

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