My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have two children and have been together for 11 years. When we met he told me about a woman that he really loved and how breaking up with her hurt him. They broke up because she would not leave the East coast. We live on the West coast. We eventually got married and have a life. Our marriage has been rocky. I believe he think he is better then me because he has a Ph.D. He wanted me to go back to school but I was not interested. Four months ago he hired a private investigator to find this woman he loved. They had not talked in 14 years. He found her and she too has her doctorate and is successful. He got her pregnant. I know this because my husband started acting different. happy I guess I can say. I found out through his email and text messages about this woman. She is pregnant and I called her and confronted him at the same time. She told me to ask MY husband who she was. I confronted her about her pregnancy and she said to leave her alone and dont look for answers if I was not willing to accept the answers. My husband begged this woman not to abort this child. I have told him that I want him to leave her alone and have nothing to do with the baby. he can send money but that is it. He refuse. I told him it might not be his baby and he said it is and SHE wants to make sure there is a DNA test so her child will be acknowledge. His family knows about this woman and her pregnancy and so does his friends. Apparently he never stopped talking about her for all of these years. I told him I was not giving him a divorce and I was not giving up my life and he is not leaving either. He said that is the problem I dont love him I love our lifestyle. I told the kids that their father was leaving us and he got really pist. Now he refuse to talk to me at all. I confronted him about getting this woman pregnant on purposes and he refuse to answer. He told me to stop asking questions when I did not want the truth. I threatened to call HER again and he got really upset and told me to leave her alone. He said uur problems have nothing to do with her and to leave her alone. He is protecting her when he should be proctecting me. I dont know what to do. All of this has happened in four months. I told him I did not want him to be there for the baby birth and he said that is not going to happen. I need help. We went two years without talking. I am not interested in the things that he is interested in. I told him I will go back to school if that is what he wants. he tells me that that is something that I need to do for myself not him. I am not giving up my marriage.

I'm real sorry... It is difficult in itself when a relationship has issues, let alone a pregnancy involvement within your marriage.

If you read the last paragraph that you wrote, you stated, "we did not talk for two years, i am not interesting in things he is interested in"...

What is sad is the 11 years together, 4 years married but obviously, non happiness for at least a couple of years which is sad...

And, if your interests are different there is no harmony.

I think unfortunately, the love is lost... He has already mentally moved on...

You must do the same..

I know this is not what you want to hear but this is the way it appears, especially as you have children to him as well but his family know about her and her pregnancy.

Sometimes, it's hard to face but i don't like your chances of turning this around, i'm sorry..

Best thing you can do is be close by your family and friends at the moment...

I think that the children how ever old they are, don't need to hear to much, even though things are painful for you, they need protecting over this, the less info the better in my opinion.

Surround yourself with people you love... and walk away.

He cheated anyway, you don't need that in your life either... you deserve someone who remains faithful and loving to you.

CW

Hi CW,
Yes this is really hard. But I dont know if we are headed for a divorce. our lives are intertwined with a house, kids, and a mortage. I do want to make this marriage work. I even physically hit him and he got angry and told me to never do that again. What hurts the most is that this woman was before me. he searched her out. She did not search him out. From what I have seen from the phone calls, he call her all the time she does not call him. I told him that I was the one who stood by him and I love him more and she does and she only want him because he is starting to do extrodinary things with his life. He said that that was the first time I ever acknowledge what he is doing with his life. And he had the nerve to say she loved him when he had nothing. We have not really talked in two years but when I did try to talk to him he would not talk at all. I cant let this woman ruin my life! I was the one who gave him children and he said that what does that make me a martryr, your not the only woman who can have children. Well, I am not going to leave he is going to have to leave me and the kids. I dont believe he have the guts to do it and I am not going to make it easy for him. this has only been going on for 4 months.

Oh CW he also had the nerve to throw in my face that I cheated on him before; this was before we were married and he was no saint. I told him it is worse when you are married. I wonder if he is doing this to get back at me for cheating on him. He is a proud man and his family and friends knew about my affair. Even though we were not married. I am 33 years old I am not perfect and neither is he. thanks for your post.

Hi back, just so you know, most people are sleeping at the moment, i live in Australia so time table is different.

Well, if your strong on this, then don't let another woman win.

If he acknowledged one thing that you said, that you had never said before, maybe this is the key. Maybe, he feels un-wanted, un-loved to a degree, again, remembering you didn't really speak for two years and have different interests.

Turn it back around a bit, think about it... If you support what's happening to a degree, start reminising a bit on the "good times", 11 years is a long time, subtly, make him confused?

Then maybe you can. But to keep someone is a different story, you know that, you have to have some interests in his interests, and a man has ego, and needs some stroking as much as a woman needs it for emotional strength and stability..

So, what ever you do, you'll have to keep doing it to keep winning so to speak...

People can feel lost, and think the grass is greener on the other side, you will have to prove it's not and standing by him a little over this may just do that..and then remaining that way if you truly love him and want to win him back.

He may not have lost all at this stage, he may feel that it's greener and rosier on the other side...

I don't know if that assists or makes sense but anything is worth a try.

Temper and Anger has to stay out of the picture, it will only make it worse..

I guess, i'm saying use reverse physcology...

CW

Well, i see that as "his way out" of his explanation for what happened.

I am a believer that if he didn't love you, he wouldn't have married you especially with that in consideration...

Friends, will stand by him and he will be saying all of this, as his defence and they will bring it up to him again..

He and they would expect you to banter but if you don't, a shock to the system i think and possibly re-thinking....

Good luck.

Others will reply as well... when they wake up... well? what can i say..

Smile?

CW

I always give somewhat cynical advice, so take this with a pinch of salt.

It sounds like it's all doomed - it's already got to the point where you're just trying to make each others life more difficult, than being any positive influence on each other. It also does sound a bit like in all of this it's the stability and lifestyle that you crave, rather than his love... Which could possibly be why this escalated the way it did. You didn't tell us all that his claim that you love the lifestyle was wrong. It seems like you've told him what he can and can't do, dictating things to him, which men will never react well to.

It seems, as CW said, that he could be feeling in a loveless marriage, so what's the point? How old are the children, by the way?

But yeah, anyway, it seems like this is over... perhaps you should both be expending your single lives work out, instead of flogging a dead horse. By the way, you should never use kids as a weapon, if that's what you were doing by telling them when you did.

(I should also add that violence in a relationship, whether it's the man hitting the woman or vica versa is pretty poor. If my woman thought it was okay to hit me we'd have a problem.

Bottom line, I think you might have to give up on this marriage.