in desperate need of advice

**blonde3737** · 06-09-2008, 03:43 PM

Hello Everyone, here is the scoop. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years as of last May. I have kissed 3 guys over the course of 5 years, its awful i know. I regret it. The good part, I met my boyfriend when i was a high school freshman and my boyfriend was a senior. I was 14 and I am now 20 and he is 23. We are 3 years apart. I have made some mistakes along the path but I found that the times I kissed other men, I was away from him which is no excuse, but maybe it was a curiousity factor and to find out if I definetely knew I wanted him and only him and now I know that I do. He has made some mistakes along the way, he never cheated on me, but he did admit to using a sex dating chatline on the phone once our first year going out, also, he has typed sexually to webcam girls once or twice and he has looked a porn before and checked out dating sites. He told me that the dating sites were just for womens reactions. This guy has never physically hurt me. He is always there for me, does anything and i think the world of him. I can't really get too too mad at him for being curious on the internet because at least he didnt act out like I did. Moving along, I went to my first semester at college abotu 3 1/2 hours away from home, I talked to him everyday but it wasnt the same and i was acting totally different by doing things such as drinking and not acting myself. I ended up having an attraction only phsycially to this kid up there, I knew i shouldnt but i ended up having him sleep in my bed and me in his. We only kissed and he fondled my breasts but thats as far as it went. I told my boyfriend and that being the 3rd time I was away from him and cheated on him, he couldnt take it ...soo after valentines day in 07 , he ended it. I was sooo lost without him, I ended up going to see therapy, in the hospital etc. It was awful. He never answered when I would try to call, i sent letters, emails, I went more than crazy trying to apologize. There is no excuse for me hurting him at all but unfornetely, there is nothing I could do about it now. ANYWAYS, when we were split up for a total of approx 3 months, he did whatever, went to canada with his boys, went out i think on a date with one girl but what bothered me the most is........i met this co-worker that he used to work with at his old job. She was about 40 years old and he is 23 so there was quite a difference. Anyways, when we got back together last may 07. We told each other if we had seen or hooked up with anyone when we werent together. i told him that i saw one kid but we only made out even though the kid wanted to go farther. I have only had sex with my current boyfriend so I wouldnt give it up like that. I believe it is when you love someone. He then told me he hooked up with some woman. The woman was an old -co worker from his old job that he used to work at and that I met. She was 40 and he is 23 well he was 22 at the time. UGH, i was disgusted. he told me that he would tell her the problems thta him and I went through etc etc. His last night at his old job, him , his friends and her hung out and drank a couple beers etc. His 2 guy friends got into an argument so he drove them home and he was driving this woman to her apartment complex which happened to be the same place the guys lived at. He told me that she asked him to come up for a minute so he ended up going up there, and sleeping there. He told me he didnt have anymore dranks a lone with her but she made a drink, he sat on her couch, he put his arm around her and then she told him to go to her bed. He went to her bed, grabbed her , and it went to that point.They ended up having sex, then waking up later he got head and fingered her then they fell back asleep and he went to his last day of work with her the next morning because she lived so close by. What bothers me is he has only had sex with me for 5 years, and he would give it up so quickly. To this day, it has been a little over a year and i still have wicked bad anxiety. One night, he told me to ask questions that I had for him and that he would answer them even though he didnt have to because..... we were not going out at the time. I asked him how it happened, he told me, even though he couldnt remember if she walked in naked when he was on bed etc. WOULD YOU CONSIDER THAT SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE THAT HE WAS VULNERABLE??? I remember meeting her a long time ago but I dont remember exactly what she looks like. I WANT TO KNOW!.. why do i want to know her, why do i have so many questions. He told me "hunnie, you have no reason to worry, it happened when we werent together, I was nice enough to tell you all the details and your ing me off because you always analyze and come up with more question, he said i love you, it is in the past, why does it matter and what good is it going to do if you keep asking more questions" AM I OVER ANALYZING....I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, HOW EVERY DETAIL HAPPENED, HE SAID SHE DIDNT HIT ON HIM BEFORE EVERYTHING HAPPENED, IT JUST HAPPENED, BUT HE DID AND WAS TALKING TO HER AT WORK ABOUT OTHER STUFF AND THE SITUATION which happened with me.... she has an 18 year old kid, i was disgusted....i feel like i cant get the woman out of my head. Another thing that happened...was we have been back together for over a year now like I said...but, he told me he was driving to see me at my new closer to home school that I have been at and his old friend from his old job calledhim to say whats up. My boyfriend said whats up, hows everybody doing and he asked whats new . The guy on the phone said how the woman said how she loves my boyfriend. SHE LOVES HIM, AFTER WORKING AND A 1 NIGHT STAND...My boyfriend says he tells me everything and I believe he has been honest but why do i feel like i want to know more. shouldn't i just let it go . I asked him if she flirted at all when we were together and he said no. THe other thing that bothers me is she was OLD, SHE SMOKED, AND HE SAID NOT REALLY THAT ATTRACTIVE, WHY WOULD HE DO THAT??? IM GOING CRAZY AND ME AND THIS MAN PLAN TO GET MARRIED IN THE FUTURE, WHY AM I SO STUCK ON WONDERING ABOUT EVERY TINY LITTLE DETAIL FROM THE PAST, I GET MY BOYFRIEND REALLY ED OFF BECAUSE I KEEP HAVING MORE AND MORE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER....AND HE IS GETTING TIRED OF IT....PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! PS...SORRY SO LONG, I NEEDED TO VENT

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-09-2008, 04:03 PM

Well, you should be so lucky that's he is honest and has told you everything.

Clearly, his initial intentions were to just "vent" himself to an older woman on a continual basis, as she probably welcomed the conversations and he probably saw her as a Mother figure.

Somehow the "advantage" was taken.

Seems to me that you both care deeply about each other, but both were curious about the opposite sex, as you were 14 when you met him and he was broken up with you, over the fact that you cheated and left his heart behind for a while.

Fact is, it's not relevant if you want to make it work.. It's over, it happened.

Personally, if he only stated that she was 40, you still would have had a million questions... It doesn't matter that he gave you a blow to blow description, that she was a co-worker...

You are just going to have to accept that this all happened when you weren't together and concentrate on the now..

Living in the past will not make a great current or future relationship.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 06-09-2008, 04:47 PM

Its not that unusual to find someone else quickly when a relationship breaks up. Many moons ago my long time girlfriend (and much later spouse) dumped me. Fairly soon afterwards I started going out with and sleeping with another woman. She was very nice, and we had a great time - but it was clear to both of us that there was no long term interest, and we eventually split on friendly terms. Eventually I got back with my former girlfriend - and she seemed horrified that I had been with someone else.

From my point of view (and presumably the boyfriend's in the original post), I was lonely, wanted company, affection, and yes, sex. So did the other woman. I don't regret it - but I certainly prefer a real relationship.

**blonde3737** · 06-09-2008, 05:07 PM

Hey Chandlers wish, i appreciate your advice.....one question? what does this mean??

Clearly, his initial intentions were to just "vent" himself to an older woman on a continual basis, as she probably welcomed the conversations and he probably saw her as a Mother figure.

ALso, do you think i am analyzing the past too much

**blonde3737** · 06-09-2008, 05:08 PM

hey rcoreyus....thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it...could youtell me what you mean by this? do are you refering to my boyfriend ?>---

"From my point of view (and presumably the boyfriend's in the original post)"

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-09-2008, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blonde3737

Hey Chandlers wish, i appreciate your advice.....one question? what does this mean??

Clearly, his initial intentions were to just "vent" himself to an older woman on a continual basis, as she probably welcomed the conversations and he probably saw her as a Mother figure.

ALso, do you think i am analyzing the past too much

Probably whilst you were writing this, Rcoreyus was writing his reply as well... Kind of like his version of his last paragraph, i am a believer that "sex is sex", may be nice, kind of silver, but relationships are worth gold.

See, you over analyse, it's in your blood, lol... Well, she was 40, he starts talking about you, the break up, she's old enough to be his Mother, so he probably saw her as someone "just to talk to", no intentions... what ever transpired and from the sounds of it, she was the agressor, "go to bed", she did the talking... Perhaps he was hurt, down and out, lonely himself, and why not, stuff it attitude...

The fact that he is open, has communicated with you is highly important, he can communicate... Doesn't shut his feelings and thoughts away... A great foundation for a relationship.

But, the conversation has ended... It's over... Next?

Yes, i do... Let it go.. Move towards today and tomorrow and let the past stay where it belongs... The past

CW

**blonde3737** · 06-09-2008, 05:18 PM

thank you, i really appreciate it. You said but the conversation has ended...its over...next?? What are you trying to imply?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-09-2008, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blonde3737

thank you, i really appreciate it. You said but the conversation has ended...its over...next?? What are you trying to imply?

Nothing...

The conversation pertaining to the 40 year old between your boyfriend and you is over... There is no more story to tell... So therefore, what further conversation can you have about it?

You know what happened, who she is, when it happened.... that conversation is over between you both now.

Next... being, you need to now move on to the next part of your lives together, and let go now of the past...

CW

**blonde3737** · 06-09-2008, 06:24 PM

I like your quote at the end of your profile. How come I remember meeting her but how come I wonder every time I walk by a woman who looks approx 40 if its her or not. I cannot remember what she looks like. Why do I care??- She lives like 20 min from the town my bf and i live in. I just think about how they worked together for a while before we broke up, like a few years and even though he said it was never even talked about refering to that she might of had feelings or attraction to him...to all of a sudden having a one night stand...then her saying to his old friend that he used to work with when him and i were back together that she loved him...ugh, im sorry it makes me so mad.....i gotta keep telling myself to let it go LET IT GO!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2008, 03:40 AM

[quote=blonde3737;41676]I like your quote at the end of your profile. How come I remember meeting her but how come I wonder every time I walk by a woman who looks approx 40 if its her or not. I cannot remember what she looks like. Why do I care??- She lives like 20 min from the town my bf and i live in. I just think about how they worked together for a while before we broke up, like a few years and even though he said it was never even talked about refering to that she might of had feelings or attraction to him...to all of a sudden having a one night stand...then her saying to his old friend that he used to work with when him and i were back together that she loved him... Because when you look to deep at something? You find all sorts of uglys that aren't there~

ugh, im sorry it makes me so mad.....i gotta keep telling myself to let it go LET IT GO![/quote]

Yep.

Thanks, i change it frequently but simular sayings...

06-09-2008, 03:43 PM	#1
blonde3737 VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 48	in desperate need of advice Hello Everyone, here is the scoop. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years as of last May. I have kissed 3 guys over the course of 5 years, its awful i know. I regret it. The good part, I met my boyfriend when i was a high school freshman and my boyfriend was a senior. I was 14 and I am now 20 and he is 23. We are 3 years apart. I have made some mistakes along the path but I found that the times I kissed other men, I was away from him which is no excuse, but maybe it was a curiousity factor and to find out if I definetely knew I wanted him and only him and now I know that I do. He has made some mistakes along the way, he never cheated on me, but he did admit to using a sex dating chatline on the phone once our first year going out, also, he has typed sexually to webcam girls once or twice and he has looked a porn before and checked out dating sites. He told me that the dating sites were just for womens reactions. This guy has never physically hurt me. He is always there for me, does anything and i think the world of him. I can't really get too too mad at him for being curious on the internet because at least he didnt act out like I did. Moving along, I went to my first semester at college abotu 3 1/2 hours away from home, I talked to him everyday but it wasnt the same and i was acting totally different by doing things such as drinking and not acting myself. I ended up having an attraction only phsycially to this kid up there, I knew i shouldnt but i ended up having him sleep in my bed and me in his. We only kissed and he fondled my breasts but thats as far as it went. I told my boyfriend and that being the 3rd time I was away from him and cheated on him, he couldnt take it ...soo after valentines day in 07 , he ended it. I was sooo lost without him, I ended up going to see therapy, in the hospital etc. It was awful. He never answered when I would try to call, i sent letters, emails, I went more than crazy trying to apologize. There is no excuse for me hurting him at all but unfornetely, there is nothing I could do about it now. ANYWAYS, when we were split up for a total of approx 3 months, he did whatever, went to canada with his boys, went out i think on a date with one girl but what bothered me the most is........i met this co-worker that he used to work with at his old job. She was about 40 years old and he is 23 so there was quite a difference. Anyways, when we got back together last may 07. We told each other if we had seen or hooked up with anyone when we werent together. i told him that i saw one kid but we only made out even though the kid wanted to go farther. I have only had sex with my current boyfriend so I wouldnt give it up like that. I believe it is when you love someone. He then told me he hooked up with some woman. The woman was an old -co worker from his old job that he used to work at and that I met. She was 40 and he is 23 well he was 22 at the time. UGH, i was disgusted. he told me that he would tell her the problems thta him and I went through etc etc. His last night at his old job, him , his friends and her hung out and drank a couple beers etc. His 2 guy friends got into an argument so he drove them home and he was driving this woman to her apartment complex which happened to be the same place the guys lived at. He told me that she asked him to come up for a minute so he ended up going up there, and sleeping there. He told me he didnt have anymore dranks a lone with her but she made a drink, he sat on her couch, he put his arm around her and then she told him to go to her bed. He went to her bed, grabbed her , and it went to that point.They ended up having sex, then waking up later he got head and fingered her then they fell back asleep and he went to his last day of work with her the next morning because she lived so close by. What bothers me is he has only had sex with me for 5 years, and he would give it up so quickly. To this day, it has been a little over a year and i still have wicked bad anxiety. One night, he told me to ask questions that I had for him and that he would answer them even though he didnt have to because..... we were not going out at the time. I asked him how it happened, he told me, even though he couldnt remember if she walked in naked when he was on bed etc. WOULD YOU CONSIDER THAT SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE THAT HE WAS VULNERABLE??? I remember meeting her a long time ago but I dont remember exactly what she looks like. I WANT TO KNOW!.. why do i want to know her, why do i have so many questions. He told me "hunnie, you have no reason to worry, it happened when we werent together, I was nice enough to tell you all the details and your ing me off because you always analyze and come up with more question, he said i love you, it is in the past, why does it matter and what good is it going to do if you keep asking more questions" AM I OVER ANALYZING....I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, HOW EVERY DETAIL HAPPENED, HE SAID SHE DIDNT HIT ON HIM BEFORE EVERYTHING HAPPENED, IT JUST HAPPENED, BUT HE DID AND WAS TALKING TO HER AT WORK ABOUT OTHER STUFF AND THE SITUATION which happened with me.... she has an 18 year old kid, i was disgusted....i feel like i cant get the woman out of my head. Another thing that happened...was we have been back together for over a year now like I said...but, he told me he was driving to see me at my new closer to home school that I have been at and his old friend from his old job calledhim to say whats up. My boyfriend said whats up, hows everybody doing and he asked whats new . The guy on the phone said how the woman said how she loves my boyfriend. SHE LOVES HIM, AFTER WORKING AND A 1 NIGHT STAND...My boyfriend says he tells me everything and I believe he has been honest but why do i feel like i want to know more. shouldn't i just let it go . I asked him if she flirted at all when we were together and he said no. THe other thing that bothers me is she was OLD, SHE SMOKED, AND HE SAID NOT REALLY THAT ATTRACTIVE, WHY WOULD HE DO THAT??? IM GOING CRAZY AND ME AND THIS MAN PLAN TO GET MARRIED IN THE FUTURE, WHY AM I SO STUCK ON WONDERING ABOUT EVERY TINY LITTLE DETAIL FROM THE PAST, I GET MY BOYFRIEND REALLY ED OFF BECAUSE I KEEP HAVING MORE AND MORE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER....AND HE IS GETTING TIRED OF IT....PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! PS...SORRY SO LONG, I NEEDED TO VENT

06-09-2008, 04:03 PM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,894 Blog Entries: 7	Well, you should be so lucky that's he is honest and has told you everything. Clearly, his initial intentions were to just "vent" himself to an older woman on a continual basis, as she probably welcomed the conversations and he probably saw her as a Mother figure. Somehow the "advantage" was taken. Seems to me that you both care deeply about each other, but both were curious about the opposite sex, as you were 14 when you met him and he was broken up with you, over the fact that you cheated and left his heart behind for a while. Fact is, it's not relevant if you want to make it work.. It's over, it happened. Personally, if he only stated that she was 40, you still would have had a million questions... It doesn't matter that he gave you a blow to blow description, that she was a co-worker... You are just going to have to accept that this all happened when you weren't together and concentrate on the now.. Living in the past will not make a great current or future relationship. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

06-10-2008, 03:40 AM	#10
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,894 Blog Entries: 7	[quote=blonde3737;41676]I like your quote at the end of your profile. How come I remember meeting her but how come I wonder every time I walk by a woman who looks approx 40 if its her or not. I cannot remember what she looks like. Why do I care??- She lives like 20 min from the town my bf and i live in. I just think about how they worked together for a while before we broke up, like a few years and even though he said it was never even talked about refering to that she might of had feelings or attraction to him...to all of a sudden having a one night stand...then her saying to his old friend that he used to work with when him and i were back together that she loved him... Because when you look to deep at something? You find all sorts of uglys that aren't there~ ugh, im sorry it makes me so mad.....i gotta keep telling myself to let it go LET IT GO![/quote] Yep. Thanks, i change it frequently but simular sayings... __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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06-09-2008, 04:47 PM	#3
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: SF bay area Posts: 1,333	Its not that unusual to find someone else quickly when a relationship breaks up. Many moons ago my long time girlfriend (and much later spouse) dumped me. Fairly soon afterwards I started going out with and sleeping with another woman. She was very nice, and we had a great time - but it was clear to both of us that there was no long term interest, and we eventually split on friendly terms. Eventually I got back with my former girlfriend - and she seemed horrified that I had been with someone else. From my point of view (and presumably the boyfriend's in the original post), I was lonely, wanted company, affection, and yes, sex. So did the other woman. I don't regret it - but I certainly prefer a real relationship.

06-09-2008, 05:07 PM	#4
blonde3737 VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 48	Hey Chandlers wish, i appreciate your advice.....one question? what does this mean?? Clearly, his initial intentions were to just "vent" himself to an older woman on a continual basis, as she probably welcomed the conversations and he probably saw her as a Mother figure. ALso, do you think i am analyzing the past too much

06-09-2008, 05:08 PM	#5
blonde3737 VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 48	hey rcoreyus....thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it...could youtell me what you mean by this? do are you refering to my boyfriend ?>--- "From my point of view (and presumably the boyfriend's in the original post)"

06-09-2008, 05:18 PM	#7
blonde3737 VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 48	thank you, i really appreciate it. You said but the conversation has ended...its over...next?? What are you trying to imply?

06-09-2008, 06:24 PM	#9
blonde3737 VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 48	I like your quote at the end of your profile. How come I remember meeting her but how come I wonder every time I walk by a woman who looks approx 40 if its her or not. I cannot remember what she looks like. Why do I care??- She lives like 20 min from the town my bf and i live in. I just think about how they worked together for a while before we broke up, like a few years and even though he said it was never even talked about refering to that she might of had feelings or attraction to him...to all of a sudden having a one night stand...then her saying to his old friend that he used to work with when him and i were back together that she loved him...ugh, im sorry it makes me so mad.....i gotta keep telling myself to let it go LET IT GO!