Forum:

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22

Thread: My husband's emotional affair

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    1

    Unhappy My husband's emotional affair


    Last summer/fall my husband had an emotional affair. I didn't even know this girl existed until he said her name in his sleep one night. I woke him up and demanded to know who "Missy" was. He told me it was his friend's sister and that nothing was going on. Later I went thru his phone and found out how much he was talking to her. He had always been the jealous one and didn't even want me talking to some of my guy high school classmates. So when I saw how much he had been talking to this girl on his phone (something I never dreamed he would do) I wanted to throw up. He also had been spending time with her. I kicked him out. We were separated for about a month, and it took him that long to finally stop talking to her. (I told him I wouldn't get back together with him as long as he was talking to her.) As soon as he stopped talking to her he expected us to get back together instantly and he wanted to move on as if nothing had ever happened. I did get back together with him right away after he stopped talking to her, but I CAN'T get over it. I went to a counselor for awhile, but that didn't seem to help too much. I need to talk to someone who has been through the same thing. The big problem is, when I bring it up he tells me he didn't do anything wrong (because he didn't have sex with her) and he didn't hide anything. And I was the one being a jerk to him last summer. I just don't understand how he can think those things. I would have a much easier time getting over it if he admitted what he did and told me all the details of what went on, but he won't. Once in awhile when I bring it up he will tell me he's sorry for what he did, but most of the time it's the other way around...him telling me that he didn't do anything wrong. If I would have done the same thing to him that he did to me, he would NEVER in a million years get over it. So why can't he see how I feel? He still talks to people in "Missy's" family, and he doesn't understand why I have such a problem with that. To me, everyone in that family represents everything that he did. I really hope there's someone out there that has been through something similiar and can lead me in the right direction.

  2. #2
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    22,806
    Blog Entries
    14

    Default

    I think you have to take a step back and instead of being up-set over what happened, ask yourself why it happened.

    It is also correct for him not to go into details, as if true, nothing happened, what is the point of letting your mind see all - of - nothing.

    Then you'll conjure up other thoughts, whilst at the moment the only thoughts you can produce are the mobile phone messages.

    Take a step back to that time, if he even contemplated, then something was amiss and he was not feeling happy, probably neither were you.

    The fact that he did not take it further and came back, in my opinion means that the bond you both had/have is worth working on.

    So that to me means, working on the issue that was there at the time.

    It is easy to feel un-wanted, un-loved, and find attraction from someone whom shows it, even in a flirting way, to make yourself feel better within yourself.

    That's nature.

    It's the not doing that is special..

    See it from that point and see what you can visualise from that particular time first.

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

  3. #3
    C
    C is offline
    Member Array
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    925

    Default

    Even if something happened, why do you want to know about it?...He said nothing, so believe him...Even if there was an affair, what would telling you about it do? Would it make you love him more? Could you find forgiveness? Or would part of you die from all the hurt that you would carry.

    Be happy being who you are...Don't look for trouble when there is none there..Enjoy today and make each tomorrow better...Marriage is trust and he has asked you to trust him....Men are such different creatures than we are...Learning to understand them can be a real challenge...BUT they are the best that we have..Enjoy yours and be happy.....Take care, Caroline

  4. #4
    March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Array
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    4,346

    Default

    Dreams are not under a person's control. You can't blame someone for something they said in their sleep, or did in dreams. I think going through his phone records was an invasion of his privacy - how would you feel if he did the same to you?

    What do you think he did that was wrong, other than spending time on the phone with a friend?

  5. #5
    WH Super Moderator Array sourpuss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    3,645

    Default

    You're going to drive him away. It sounds like you won't be satisfied until you hear what you think you want to hear. He didn't cheat, he cut ties with her and he's with you. That should be enough for you right there to know that he cares enough about you and what the two of you have to make it work.

    Have you asked yourself what it is exactly that you are needing from him to get over this?
    Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard.

    Register! | Rules/FAQ | Contact Mod

  6. #6
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    13

    Default

    I see it a bit differently, ladies. Obviously there is a real love between the husband and
    Missy. It is far more dangerous than sex. He wants to talk to her, he likes the way she
    thinks, it's a real relationship that won't just end because someone says it should.

  7. #7
    March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Array
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    4,346

    Default

    If there is real love between the husband and Missy, it is even more important that the original poster not risk driving him away - he has somewhere to go.

  8. #8
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    22,806
    Blog Entries
    14

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jayjay View Post
    I see it a bit differently, ladies. Obviously there is a real love between the husband and
    Missy. It is far more dangerous than sex. He wants to talk to her, he likes the way she
    thinks, it's a real relationship that won't just end because someone says it should.
    I am sure they do love each other, but why do you say that? Because, she kicked him out and he came back? There could be kids involved, or he may still have "feelings" for her but real LOVE is a strong quote.

    In my opinion something was amis as he wouldn't have gone from step 1, phone calls to step 2, seeing her..

    Phone calls? - Far more dangerous than sex? Well yes, the poster states that he even saw her and still communicates with the family (hers).........

    But yes, he did go back and yes as rcoryeus has stated, that as such, she should not mess with talking about it further, or checking phones etc anymore, she has to concentrate on NOW, because he obviously does have someone else to turn to otherwise.
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

  9. #9
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    1

    Smile

    Hi,
    I can sympathise with your situation as I too found myself in exactly the same situation as you only two months ago. My marriage had issues when this happened but it is not an excuse for your husband to be emotionally involved with another woman. I think the hardest part for me was letting my mind conjure up all sorts of things, and it still does however I have learn't not to react to those things. Just remember that your husband at the end of the day choose you and you have to give him credit for that. I'm not saying forget because that's easier said than done, I still get extremely angry and hurt thinking about it, don't be so hard on yourself you will be going through a range of emotions that won't go away overnight, it will take time and patience and your husband has to earn your trust back. I hope this helps.

  10. #10
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    1

    Default

    I went through a VERY similar scenario a little over a year ago. I am just now beginning to trust my husband again. It seems that there are good days and bad days - every once in a while, I still find myself checking the phone bill or wondering if he got a pay-as-you-go phone. It has been difficult, and we have both been quite patient. What helped me get through this (and I asked myself and my therapist over and over if I should just leave him), was to imagine what my life would be like without him, and to think about why I loved him in the first place. When I felt very angry, I would often go somewhere by myself and try to figure out why I was feeling that way - often I'd just had a bad day, or seen someone who knew the "other woman". Be patient with yourself. Be patient with him. Good luck to you.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Beauty & Style | Fitness & Nutrition | Family & Relationships | Sex & Sexual Health | Physical & Mental Health | Girl Talk | Forum Home
Home | Health Library | Contact | Terms Of Service | Contact | Privacy Policy

© Womens-Health.com 2014 and Emerge Media