My husband's emotional affair

**mommn16** · 06-29-2008 06:45 PM

Last summer/fall my husband had an emotional affair. I didn't even know this girl existed until he said her name in his sleep one night. I woke him up and demanded to know who "Missy" was. He told me it was his friend's sister and that nothing was going on. Later I went thru his phone and found out how much he was talking to her. He had always been the jealous one and didn't even want me talking to some of my guy high school classmates. So when I saw how much he had been talking to this girl on his phone (something I never dreamed he would do) I wanted to throw up. He also had been spending time with her. I kicked him out. We were separated for about a month, and it took him that long to finally stop talking to her. (I told him I wouldn't get back together with him as long as he was talking to her.) As soon as he stopped talking to her he expected us to get back together instantly and he wanted to move on as if nothing had ever happened. I did get back together with him right away after he stopped talking to her, but I CAN'T get over it. I went to a counselor for awhile, but that didn't seem to help too much. I need to talk to someone who has been through the same thing. The big problem is, when I bring it up he tells me he didn't do anything wrong (because he didn't have sex with her) and he didn't hide anything. And I was the one being a jerk to him last summer. I just don't understand how he can think those things. I would have a much easier time getting over it if he admitted what he did and told me all the details of what went on, but he won't. Once in awhile when I bring it up he will tell me he's sorry for what he did, but most of the time it's the other way around...him telling me that he didn't do anything wrong. If I would have done the same thing to him that he did to me, he would NEVER in a million years get over it. So why can't he see how I feel? He still talks to people in "Missy's" family, and he doesn't understand why I have such a problem with that. To me, everyone in that family represents everything that he did. I really hope there's someone out there that has been through something similiar and can lead me in the right direction.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-29-2008 06:51 PM

I think you have to take a step back and instead of being up-set over what happened, ask yourself why it happened.

It is also correct for him not to go into details, as if true, nothing happened, what is the point of letting your mind see all - of - nothing.

Then you'll conjure up other thoughts, whilst at the moment the only thoughts you can produce are the mobile phone messages.

Take a step back to that time, if he even contemplated, then something was amiss and he was not feeling happy, probably neither were you.

The fact that he did not take it further and came back, in my opinion means that the bond you both had/have is worth working on.

So that to me means, working on the issue that was there at the time.

It is easy to feel un-wanted, un-loved, and find attraction from someone whom shows it, even in a flirting way, to make yourself feel better within yourself.

That's nature.

It's the not doing that is special..

See it from that point and see what you can visualise from that particular time first.

CW

C · 06-29-2008 08:17 PM

Even if something happened, why do you want to know about it?...He said nothing, so believe him...Even if there was an affair, what would telling you about it do? Would it make you love him more? Could you find forgiveness? Or would part of you die from all the hurt that you would carry.

Be happy being who you are...Don't look for trouble when there is none there..Enjoy today and make each tomorrow better...Marriage is trust and he has asked you to trust him....Men are such different creatures than we are...Learning to understand them can be a real challenge...BUT they are the best that we have..Enjoy yours and be happy.....Take care, Caroline

**rcoreyus** · 06-30-2008 04:26 PM

Dreams are not under a person's control. You can't blame someone for something they said in their sleep, or did in dreams. I think going through his phone records was an invasion of his privacy - how would you feel if he did the same to you?

What do you think he did that was wrong, other than spending time on the phone with a friend?

**sourpuss** · 06-30-2008 04:58 PM

You're going to drive him away. It sounds like you won't be satisfied until you hear what you think you want to hear. He didn't cheat, he cut ties with her and he's with you. That should be enough for you right there to know that he cares enough about you and what the two of you have to make it work.

Have you asked yourself what it is exactly that you are needing from him to get over this?

**jayjay** · 07-10-2008 08:50 PM

I see it a bit differently, ladies. Obviously there is a real love between the husband and
Missy. It is far more dangerous than sex. He wants to talk to her, he likes the way she
thinks, it's a real relationship that won't just end because someone says it should.

**rcoreyus** · 07-11-2008 09:13 AM

If there is real love between the husband and Missy, it is even more important that the original poster not risk driving him away - he has somewhere to go.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-11-2008 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by jayjay

I see it a bit differently, ladies. Obviously there is a real love between the husband and
Missy. It is far more dangerous than sex. He wants to talk to her, he likes the way she
thinks, it's a real relationship that won't just end because someone says it should.

I am sure they do love each other, but why do you say that? Because, she kicked him out and he came back? There could be kids involved, or he may still have "feelings" for her but real LOVE is a strong quote.

In my opinion something was amis as he wouldn't have gone from step 1, phone calls to step 2, seeing her..

Phone calls? - Far more dangerous than sex? Well yes, the poster states that he even saw her and still communicates with the family (hers).........

But yes, he did go back and yes as rcoryeus has stated, that as such, she should not mess with talking about it further, or checking phones etc anymore, she has to concentrate on NOW, because he obviously does have someone else to turn to otherwise.

**Ainsley** · 07-17-2008 06:07 PM

Hi,
I can sympathise with your situation as I too found myself in exactly the same situation as you only two months ago. My marriage had issues when this happened but it is not an excuse for your husband to be emotionally involved with another woman. I think the hardest part for me was letting my mind conjure up all sorts of things, and it still does however I have learn't not to react to those things. Just remember that your husband at the end of the day choose you and you have to give him credit for that. I'm not saying forget because that's easier said than done, I still get extremely angry and hurt thinking about it, don't be so hard on yourself you will be going through a range of emotions that won't go away overnight, it will take time and patience and your husband has to earn your trust back. I hope this helps.

**shelley** · 07-31-2008 08:34 PM

I went through a VERY similar scenario a little over a year ago. I am just now beginning to trust my husband again. It seems that there are good days and bad days - every once in a while, I still find myself checking the phone bill or wondering if he got a pay-as-you-go phone. It has been difficult, and we have both been quite patient. What helped me get through this (and I asked myself and my therapist over and over if I should just leave him), was to imagine what my life would be like without him, and to think about why I loved him in the first place. When I felt very angry, I would often go somewhere by myself and try to figure out why I was feeling that way - often I'd just had a bad day, or seen someone who knew the "other woman". Be patient with yourself. Be patient with him. Good luck to you.

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