Am I Selfish?

**Sunrise** · 07-13-2008 06:25 PM

I'm quite new to the forum so first of all "HULLO!" to everyone

I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now....we've broken up a couple of times before but we love each other so we're really trying... (hmm there's one you've never heard before!)

My issue here is that I always seems to be treating him and I seem to have to nudge him into doing something for me. Just the other day I asked him to take a look at my wishlist on a bra site and order me something nice as a treat...and he started to say he didn't know how he could afford it since he has all these other financial responsibilities. Which REALLY upset me because we hardly go out in the interest of saving money to build a future.

However he said he wanted to do it, so he ordered something for me. Now tonight he's telling me how he's really going to have to watch his pockets since he now has a wedding party dinner to attend later this month, so he wants me to know we can't do anything for awhile so he can build back up some savings.

This left me very offended so I asked him to just cancel what he ordered for me. Because quite honestly....what the does he mean? I never ask for anything...I am quite used to buying whatever I need withoud depending on anyone so now the ONE time I ask something of him...to be met with these lectures is very frustrating and insulting...especially as regularly treat him without being prompted.

Did I overreact in any way?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-13-2008 06:38 PM

Welcome and LOL to your first paragraph.

My ex-husband was very controlling on the budget scenario's only he would forget all the little things he would purchase for himself, same deal, where i was concerned it was bills to pay.

Are you going to this wedding as well at the end of the month?

Do you guys have a savings account that you both put some money into for savings, and a budget so you know what you can and can't do whilst your building your dream?

I think personally that you didn't do anything wrong at all. It's nice to receive something from your S/O especially underwear seeing as he gets to see it.....

I think that he should have just bought it smiled, thought about his finances but kept those words to himself, as not to hurt you... otherwise it's not a gift is it, you feel like you've taken something from him, instead of the fact that he's given something to you.

CW

**Sunrise** · 07-13-2008 06:51 PM

Hi CW

Thanks for the welcome!

We don't have a savings account as yet...not a joint one anyway...we were looking to do that at the end of year 1 when we felt we were a bit more stable relationship wise...

I think what you said about just doing it with a smile is spot on...I DO want him to be able to share anything with me...but (hypocritcally so I suppose

) I think that this is one time he could have kept it to himself and let me just revel in my new lingerie!!

What is in on my mind now is how is this gonna affect things in the future...I worry now that the man I think of as my future husband is going to be too busy with planning and perfecting the "forever" future to enjoy the present....or am I taking my thinking too far?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-13-2008 07:04 PM

Sunrise
I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now....we've broken up a couple of times before

6 months is not really a long time to get to know someone completely and you've broken up a couple of times, suggesting that the compatibility is not as strong as you would both like or need it to be. It's early days.

Sunrise
My issue here is that I always seems to be treating him and I seem to have to nudge him into doing something for me.

Perhaps you earn more, or have less commitments than he does financially.

Sunrise
so he wants me to know we can't do anything for awhile so he can build back up some savings.

It's stressful when you know just how much money you have and where it all has to go to, and obviously he has a reason to save again, the wedding, so that has put him back a bit. Just as i said, he could have kept that part to himself, and allowed the gift to be a gift... He is aware i am sure of what you have been doing for him over this time.

I don't know the financial details here, ie) income or bills verses not much left over and so he may just purely be very very conscious of what he spends and stressed over the tightness....

Instead of "treating him", cook for him, put some aside yourself, it's a two way street and let him know that you are saving x w z per week now yourself for your future together.

It doesn't sound like he is the type of person that won't let you spend a cent, take some pressure of the situation maybe.

But as i said, 6 months is early days you two should be enjoying yourselves, laughing having fun you don't need money for any of those three really, or minimal, and let the future takes its course. If you start with all the planning, savings, now you'll grow apart as the fun and laughter will be gone.

I suggest as i said, enjoy, save a bit yourself and stop stressing about it just flow with the relationship see what you've saved over 6 more months and then start making plans on a stronger level.

By then you can ascertain a lot more as well about your lives together.

CW

**miffed23** · 07-14-2008 03:56 PM

Originally Posted by Sunrise

My issue here is that I always seems to be treating him and I seem to have to nudge him into doing something for me. Just the other day I asked him to take a look at my wishlist on a bra site and order me something nice as a treat...and he started to say he didn't know how he could afford it since he has all these other financial responsibilities. Which REALLY upset me because we hardly go out in the interest of saving money to build a future.

This left me very offended so I asked him to just cancel what he ordered for me. Because quite honestly....what the does he mean? I never ask for anything...I am quite used to buying whatever I need withoud depending on anyone so now the ONE time I ask something of him...to be met with these lectures is very frustrating and insulting...especially as regularly treat him without being prompted.

Did I overreact in any way?

Welcome honey

Men, hey...lol...

My ex was similar to this, not that i asked for a lot (like you), but if i were to ask for something, no matter how small, it was always turned into a huge sl*gging match - left with me feeling like i was nagging him.

It has something to do with their upbringing i think, specifically how their parents handled money...did they spend and treat, or where they the cautious, saving type. I was brought up under parents that swore by living for the moment, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow and what is the point of saving all that money then? As a result, i treat my partner - i like how it can make them smile.

So, back on track, could this relate to your man?

I dont think youve overreacted, if he treated you once in a while, you wouldnt have thought twice about having to ask him. Personally, id stop treating him, but then im a meanie

, i like CW's idea of treating him in a non-financial way - cooking etc...but make sure he returns the favour by giving you a massage etc...

Originally Posted by Sunrise

What is in on my mind now is how is this gonna affect things in the future...I worry now that the man I think of as my future husband is going to be too busy with planning and perfecting the "forever" future to enjoy the present....or am I taking my thinking too far?

Tell him that he could get hit by a bus tomorrow (obviously, god forbid he doesnt...) but get him to put things into perspective....

Im not critising his want to save for the future, thats a wonderful and healthy attribute to your relationship....

**monies1210** · 07-23-2008 08:27 PM

oh wow. I know exactly what your feeling because boy have I been there. I think miffed23 and Chandlers Wish hit the nail right on the head...........it could be related to his upbringing or he can have extreme bills. but i agree with you........reality is, some guys are just cheap. I once dated a guy who asked me to go to the movies with him, took me there and payed for the tickets, and then on the way home asked me for the 10 bucks back. Im almost positive i gave him the WTF face cause it was only 10 dollars, like you couldve gotten that from your mom. after that if we went to the movie he would go in front of me in the line and just buy his ticket and step aside and wait for me to buy mine. that was a major problem for me because while i am VERY independent person and HATE for guys to really buy me things (im afraid of guys becoming possesive), it really ticked me off cause i cant stand a guy who is stingy. i would rather him me decline something than him not offer.

so in response.........i dont think your selfish at all. i think you should mayb approach him about it because if your trying to be in this relationship for the long haul......the cheapness could begin to wear you thin.

**Fire(m)** · 07-23-2008 09:15 PM

Ok, here's a guys perspective. I'm not going to claim I'm right here, but it is my 2 cents worth.

1) I don't think you overreacted.
2) I don't think he's tring to be hurtful to you by not buying you anything even though you are treating him to things.
a. I think he's just a guy and he's basically clueless.
b. My guess is that he is (and you are) young and he just doesn't undertand anything about women. Maybe he was brought up in a family with no sisters and a Mom who gave her all and never expected anything for herself (I say this because I'm describing myself, and maybe your b/f is like I was).
3) If I could advise you, (you're not going to like this) it would be not to ask him for a dang thing. That way, when he does something, you can appreciate it. Your appreciation will be genuine and THAT may encourage him to repeat the behavior. Just expect to start out infrequently and small.
4) My wife and I aren't big on giving stuff. If one gives more than the other it would be me...but she shows more "random acts of kindness". When one of us gets something for the other, it's a BIG DEAL and it's really heartfelt and really appreciated.
5) One thing you could try is to have a once-a-month "Prince" or "Princess" day. Here's how it works: Last week in July. Each of you pick a day. Your day is "Princess" day and his day is "Prince" day. Ladies go first so you get first pick. The object is for you to be treated like a "Princess" all day. This is one day that can be a planned day or it can be very simple and laid back. In any event, it is a one day a month that his entire focus should be thinking "what would make my Princess happy?". This might entail him going shopping with you. Cooking you breakfast in bed. Brushing your hair. Spending an hour sitting on the edge of the tub talking to you while you bathe in candellight. It doesn't have to be anything that costs money. It can be all free stuff. Again, the point is to have him begin thinking "how can I make my Princess happy...what would SHE like to do today?"
The same goes for you. On his day, you should make him feel like a Prince.

I've done this for years...many times I have "Princess day" but there is no "Prince day" to match. Part of the thing about loving someone is not worrying about what you get back but what you give. I've had a few "Prince days" that I couldn't ever equal from my perspective with her...so maybe this is a way for you to get him to begin thinking about what makes you happy.

Cheers.

**commonsense** · 07-24-2008 10:50 PM

My issue here is that I always seems to be treating him and I seem to have to nudge him into doing something for me. Just the other day I asked him to take a look at my ,,,

Remember what you start out with is what you get. If he is not romantic and giving now, don't expect much in the future. Guys usually slack off later in the relationship. Money and gifts don't make a relationship, but he shouldn't be letting you buy things for him all the time and he never wants to get you anything. His problem could be financial or he could just be plain ole stingy. Hard to tell. Doesn't sound like he's ready for any serious commitment. Right now you are on your way to being in a relationship with someone that's barely making it and you will be miserable. Give him time to get himself together before you proceed to anything deeper than what you have.

**pushingupdaisies** · 07-25-2008 12:41 PM

This relationship is still in the new stage. It has only been six months and it sounds as if you are becoming dependent on him fulfilling your needs. Perhaps he was scared of this when you suggested something as much as lingere. I just feel that if you really desired that lingere you should have perhaps showed him and said "babe I'm going to buy this for me". This way first off it shows that you are still dependent and secondly it will give him future ideas.

I do agree with the others about his upbringing. I came from a home where money was almost sacred. It still affects me today. This too could be the case for him. His parents maybe taught him that he should use his money wisely or maybe he is financially strapped. There are alot of what-if's in this case as there is with anything in life.

My best advice is for you to stay strong and to quit always buying him things. Sometimes when we are constantly doing something for someone they tend to lack the appreciation when they are on the receiving end. If you must feel like doing something for him make sure its heartfelt and not because you are wanting something in return either.

Lastly in every relationship there are ups and downs, twists and turns. One of the things that I always do with my relationship is to each day think about one thing that I can do to make the other person happy. It doesn't have to cost a single penny nor does it have to be big. Its the small and thoughtful things that will be remembered the most.

Take care and best of luck.

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