Thread: Teacher/student relationship - need help getting over this.

Hi, I'd appreciate it if somebody could give me some advice about this because it doesn't seem to be working out when I try to do this by myself.

It all started on the internet. I was 14 [now I'm almost 16] and it was during the summer - I was bored. So I started posting on this teen message board with about 10 other people who would regularly post. There was one person who seemed extremely intelligent and I was attracted to them right off. He was smart, funny, nice - very charismatic. I asked him how old he was and he said that he was 16 - I remember thinking wow he seems a lot older. So.. we started chatting online a bit before I started 8th grade. Did I say a bit I mean a whole lot. We talked on the internet via IM almost every single day. And for hours - until midnight - on the weekends. We both told each other we felt a connection - I thought about him a lot and he said he was the same with me.

I'm not exactly sure when I became away he was my teacher but it was around September or October? It started with me noticing words he said in the class room that he'd said like the night before on the internet or something - just weird words I'd never heard before. It was like he was dropping subtle little hints - then I started having dreams about him [all teacher-like]. Then when I remembered how early on in probably August he had asked me what grade I was in. [I'd already told him my real name - not my last name though]. I asked him what grade he was in. Pause. So I figure it was right then that he was like "Wow.. this is my student." A few seconds later he says that he was in 11th grade. By the way he had this act of how he lived in L.A. California and even fake pictures of himself. I was like "It's just numbers.. age doesn't really matter right?" Of course at this time I didn't know that he was really 25 and my teacher. Of course I probably wouldn't even cared if he told me right then I was blinded with my crush.

So it went on like this. Talking on the internet a lot. Dropping each other little hints playfully about how we knew who we really were. Such as "Heyy guess what I did today in science class."

I just thought it was all so wonderful - I felt so happy- and I was consumed by how miraculous it all seemed to me.. what were the odds of this? How could.. out of all the people in america who have internet.. the one I felt something for.. turns out to be my teacher! How I felt from the beginning and how I was in his extreme science class so it was like we had a lot in common - I felt it in my soul we were soul mates.

When we'd make eye contact.. It was amazing.. My whole body would tingle my heart would start pounding.. I felt alive, full of energy whenever he was near. And when I'd raise my hand and he'd come to me his voice would be kind of shaky just as mine was when I'd ask the question - I know it's possible for it to be otherwise but I really felt - I was SURE that he felt the same. A deep connection.

To top it off - I just went to this medium that happened to be at my mom's friend's house to see what they'd have to say.. and it completely blew my mind when he said "there's a teacher.. he's here to guide you.." I mean this just further made me sure of my love for him.

I imagined marrying this man. I know I was young and still am but I'm not like.. into partying or messing around with guys.. I had one boyfriend before this happened and it wasn't serious I wasn't very into him.

But anyway.. so things started getting more flirty. Mainly, because me I was coming onto him. I mean he was a cute teacher and so I'd bring up sexual things on the internet - thank you hormones. So we started talking dirty, that winter I suppose. So nowww I had lust for him. Eventually I asked if we coudl arrange something to happen in his lil science equipment room. I won't go on and on about that conversation but he said yeah but when that day came I asked my teacher I had that period [while he didn't have a class] if I could go to the bathroom. And of course I went to find him - and I found him in his classroom doing stuff at a lap top but looking very uncomfortable. So I went back - relieved. I felt somewhat rejected but before that class I was kind of freaking out abou having sex. And now I'm so glad we didn't because I'd feel even worse.


Next thing I know this girl IMs me - we chat a bit - while my teacher's sn started showing up less and less. Meanwhile this OTHER sn of a guy and I started talking. And it seemed like they both were dropping hints that they were my teacher. So I was like okaayyy.. and eventually the guy tells me he loves me and all of these reasons such as for my personality, mind, and how I'm doing in life and stuff. The girl tells me to IM this guy and I do. I'm immediately suspicious that it's also my teacher - because the girl doesn't get on AIM anymore after that. So I go ahead and talk like I always did with this guy and he does as well.. only one thing whenever I mention his name [his REAL name] he freaks out and says no that is not me! I'm Brian. So it was like I could never mention the teacher name. So me and my conspiracy thinking, I was like, maybe this is his way of making it easier for him to be himself like express his love for me without as big of a risk of losing his job. Cuz very quickly this Brian and I got very very close. When on my teachers last sn he pretended to be this LA guy - somebody he wasn't. But he knew a lot about me - I told him things I never told anybody before and I felt like he understood me.

Anyway to to stop writing this book here.. Last summer my teacher, by the sn he used to talk to me with, e-mails everybody basically saying "My interests have changed.. Have a good life.. Bye." I didn't think anything of it - because I thought he was Brian! But of course I was doubtful because of how he kept denying being him and freaking out about it. So one day this summer I was at dance practice at my high school and who do I see? My teacher being a referee for a girls' basketball game. By the way there's been times we run into each other in person.. And I still feel that feeling I was felt, but recently it's mixed with a confused sadness.. Earlier this year once again at dance practice he walks by and the rest of the world around me just freezes, my eyes are just glued to his, same with his to mine, same tingly energetic feeling.. and he smiles at me.. and I don't smile back I just look with my eyes to the side.. Then during track season/spring time I was walking with my friend who was an 8th grader back to the school and there he is down the hall. And when he sees me he like, hides to the side where there's a door gap and I see him poke his head out. So I keep being reassured he feels something for me but I wish he would just be himself with me! And I keep being confused because it's like how will I ever know because if he does be himself he could go to jail! 2 more years until I'm 18.. But, what if there's nothing there? What if he really doesn't care about me? But yeah I got side-tracked my main point here, was, yeah I saw him at that game so I was like ok I'll run to my mom's shop [5 minutes away] and call Brian. If he answers - Brian is not my teacher. And he does answer. So then I get very depressed thinking this has all just been in my head? Has it? I was so sure that Brian was the teacher - just many strange coincidences like when I was with my friend at the school when I said that he was like hiding and poking his head out, well when I was leaving I said it loud enough that he could hear "See ya later, Ashley!" And then that night when I'm saying bye to Brian he says "See ya later." I'm like since when have you said that - he hadn't but then he says he just wanted to say something different. And I guess he was telling the truth because of it turning out he wasn't my teacher - by the phone call.

Just deep in me I still feel like my teacher and I really have something - that there's all these complications but that our love is real. Maybe I'm just naive, but I have never felt something so real in my whole life.. which I guess isn't very impressive since I haven't lived a long life full of gathered wisdom yet! It just hurts so bad - it was like this just came into my life out of nowhere and then it call comes down to - nothing's there? I still keep holding onto the hope that he really does love me - but it just kills me thinking if this has all just been in my head.