Please, help me understand... time to call it quits?

**tstic364** · 07-28-2008 05:01 PM

Lots of good advice here... Perhaps I am just chasing my tail... read on..

CW- Your post almost made me LOL at how accurate it was, and then I got to thinking, wow, this guy is really self absorbed. Your are right, we got into a fight b/c he needed to get out and do a business deal 5 days after my hip surgery and then got mad when I didn't want to give him a BJ when he came home that night. I really don't understand his selfish attitude, and I am starting to think that maybe you are right, he wants what he had before marriage and children.. Maybe not before marriage, but before children. He feels tied down with them, he has told me that before. I have tried your approach before, for six months actually, until I finally broke. I just couldn't do it anymore b/c he just kept wanting more and more time away once he noticed I was "OK" with it. I think you are also right when you say that he verbally abusive... He always turns things around on me, everything is always my fault. In fact he just told me today that the reason he works so much is b/c of me... Because of the house I wanted, because I wanted children, because I decided to stay at home with the kids. Everything is my fault, right? I do feel like you said, I want to try everything possible little thing before I throw in the towel... I am not ready to give, but I am not sure how much more I can fight either. If he doesn't want to give, I can't make him. It really is so sad, I never thought I would be in a spot like this, especially with three children to think about too.. And I know he would make it seem as it were my fault if we did seperate, and eventually I would start to believe it... The hardest part for me is he can be such a GREAT guy, I mean the kind of guy every girl dreams of being with... You know what? I just figured something out. When it is just HIM and ME he is that guy, as soon as the kids are around he gets mad, angry, wants to go back to work etc. Maybe he is gone all the time b/c of the kids, not me, but I get the short end of the stick from him not being able to deal with being around them...

Caroline- Yes, I think we do need to see a counsler, but I really don't think he will go. I have brought it up before and he just gets mad about it. I know he enjoys his time at work.. who wouldn't? You ride around in a fancy fire engine, girls flirt with you all the time, you run calls and people think you are the "hero", you can do whatever you want during the day, he has the guys around to chat with and can watch whatever sport game whenever he wants. It is like a big group of bachelor guys hanging out together... Heck, maybe I wouldn't want to leave either. Gosh, I go from being so mad at him for treating us this way to uncontrolably sad... I just don't know what to do anymore.

Damd- he actually did call and "ask" if he could go. I was at a b-day party with my three girls so he decided on his own that it would be Ok to go. However, I knwo him very well and had I answered the phone and I said no, he would have gotten mad, made me feel guilty, we would have gotten into a fight and he would have gone anyway. I know this b/c we have been there before. He likes to let me feel like I have some control over the situation, but if I don't have the right answer that he wants, he does what he wants anyway and then throws it in my face. Thanks for the postive reinforcement... I need that right now, because he does get to me and he does make me feel like it is all my fault..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-28-2008 05:20 PM

tstic364
In fact he just told me today that the reason he works so much is b/c of me... Because of the house I wanted, because I wanted children, because I decided to stay at home with the kids. Everything is my fault, right? I do feel like you said, I want to try everything possible little thing before I throw in the towel...

You know what? I just figured something out. When it is just HIM and ME he is that guy, as soon as the kids are around he gets mad, angry, wants to go back to work etc.

I think that firstly you have to realise that "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT", it's a guilt mechanism, form of control, or statisically a characteristic of a verbal abusor, they must have the control and they are always right.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with not giving up YET, but, understand if you can't change this pattern then you will. But, as i said, you can walk away knowing that you tried everything first. Marriages are worth that.

Thirdly, lol, don't laugh at me pertaining to your opening line, only joking.

Fourthly, you need time together, alone time, without the kids.. He may not be a fatherly type which is sad, very, if this is the case and i felt that when he dissed the kids party at home bit, (NO IT'S MY HOME), no way... attitude.

Thanks for trying the suggestion but 6 months of it? No change? I feel even if you do spend time together, alone, he will be the guy you met, love but then he will go back to being this person the other days, until the kids are grown up with is a loooooong time.

Sure men in Uniforms have egos as well, as i said though he sounds like a bathelor, not a family man who understands marriage, rather just wants a woman in his life.

He would not only blame you if you left, but he would also not understand why, probably tell you, you will never find anyone else that will put up with you, pull you down...

You also need to find your self worth... Get out and about for you, meet people and laugh, find a hobbie.

He may find if you have other interests apart from family home, that he may lose you and wake up a tad whilst he's at it.

I felt that frustration in your reply, coupled with you know what, damd, ah, eh, ha!

CW

C · 07-28-2008 05:31 PM

When my husband came out of service I had to fight his boyfriends...These are the same ones I speak about...They became firemen...Parties...You know come on and join....Play with us...I am still not sure if any of them truly grew up....It is like a high school clique that never grows up...They are wonderful men...Devoted to each other but many made terrible Father's...Some were OK....But boy did they hate me when I did not let my husband go out and play with them...We fought..He just about joined the Navy to play again but he stayed..Thank God he stayed and then he started to grow up to be a man....

I recall the blow job story and your hip surgery...Big spoiled brat....I dealt with one too....He grew up but he was forced to do this..I would not stand for it...Out hunting with his boyfriends....I would get so PO that I could not think...I watched the baby while he went out with his football cronies and hunted squirrels....We just about did not make it.....

**damd** · 07-29-2008 01:21 AM

He doesn't deserve you. This is not your fault. Look it's obvious that you really want this to work and this isn't going to fix itself. What does it say about him if he is not willing to go to counseling? He is abusive and controlling, counseling is a threat to him, to his control. He would have to admit he is wrong to a complete stranger. He would view that he is being judged. He is going to have to relize that he has to change and not just say that he is going too.
Is there anyway to keep him accountable to anything that he says he will do? Can you make a family schedule? The problem is he is going to try to say that you are trying to control him.
In the end, you might not be able to win this chess match. I don't want to discourage you, but your happiness is more important. And that is not selfish, it's life. You should not have to spend your whole life in misery. If he does not change are you ever going to be happy?
Is he happy with this current situation? Is he happy that you are not happy?
I don't want to sound negative.

I hope the best for you

**tstic364** · 07-29-2008 07:32 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Thirdly, lol, don't laugh at me pertaining to your opening line, only joking.

I wasn't sure what you meant here, just was wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't laughing at you, not even really laughing actually, just amazed at how accurate your post was. Sometimes it can be hard to interpret exactly what another person in saying when typing... Anyway, just wanted to make sure you knew I was laughing at you.

Fourthly, you need time together, alone time, without the kids.. He may not be a fatherly type which is sad, very, if this is the case and i felt that when he dissed the kids party at home bit, (NO IT'S MY HOME), no way... attitude.
CW

We actually started this a few weeks ago. I noticed an instant change in him, he wanted to work MORE since he has scheduled time to spend with me. So instead of an hour here and hour there, it was all on the one night we were to go out together. But, like I said, we just started it a few weeks ago so I can't say that is how it would always be. Only time would tell on that one.

If he does not change are you ever going to be happy? No, I don't think I would ever be happy, but that is what I am trying to figure out. He keeps be hoping that he will change.. there is always a deadline. It will be better in November when the busy season is over, then when November comes he has another excuse, it will be better when the kids are 2... then another and another and another. I have heard excuses for 6 years now so they are starting to loose their truth... I still hold out hope though..

Is he happy with this current situation? Is he happy that you are not happy? When I tried what CW was suggested for about 6 months he was so happy. I ignored his bad behavior, I let him work as much as he wanted, I gave into him sexually whenever he wanted, and I always tried to have my happy face on. I finally crumbled about a month ago... I started to get depressed, lonely, very unhappy etc.. I talked to him about it and he got very upset. We had a good argument, and in the end he said that he wanted to change, he wanted to spend more time with us... then he went and volunteered to be away for 2 weeks.. He still got mad about things that took him away from his projects or his work. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't think he really wants to change, he is just telling me this to pull me along... I wonder how long I will hold out hope for change? Why can't I see past this? I sometimes wonder if he is just doing this so I will initiate a seperation and then it will be all my fault? Like he is intentionally pushing me away? Anyway, thanks damd.

Oh, I wanted to say one more thing regarding one of your comments CW. You also need to find your self worth... Get out and about for you, meet people and laugh, find a hobbie.
I have tried to tell him I want to volunteer somewhere, to get out of the house. I have told him I wanted to join a softball team, do dancing lessons, a cooking class etc. He gets all upset and tells me that I have to much on my plate and I can't add anything else into my busy schedule. (My busy schedule according to him is taking care of three kids.) I volunteered this year to be the assistant coach on my daughter's soccer team and I hear 3-4 times a week about what a poor descion I made, about how much stress this is going to cause the family. Of course I feel guilty.. but I am not backing down, I am doing this for my daughter.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-29-2008 05:52 PM

tstic364
Oh, I wanted to say one more thing regarding one of your comments CW. You also need to find your self worth... Get out and about for you, meet people and laugh, find a hobbie.
I have tried to tell him I want to volunteer somewhere, to get out of the house. I have told him I wanted to join a softball team, do dancing lessons, a cooking class etc. He gets all upset and tells me that I have to much on my plate and I can't add anything else into my busy schedule. (My busy schedule according to him is taking care of three kids.) I volunteered this year to be the assistant coach on my daughter's soccer team and I hear 3-4 times a week about what a poor descion I made, about how much stress this is going to cause the family. Of course I feel guilty.. but I am not backing down, I am doing this for my daughter.

Look at the irony of this. In one breathe, he has blamed you for stopping working and therefore using the excuse that "he" has to work to bring in the finances.

Then he tells you that you can't do any volunteer work or have a life at all outside being a Mother and Wife.. Stay home.

Which is it?

Good for you regarding "assistant coach".

He is controlling full stop...

To be honest i am sad to hear that you gave my suggestion a go and he was happy, that you gave in sexually, smiled, laughed took time with him, let him work, and then when you crumbled everything is bad.

He is controlling.

He is only happy if you do everything "he wants". And, not when you do anything you want, or try to discuss where you are not happy.

Controlling.

Start with the assistant coach, then enrol and do your cooking classes, your not in a ball and chain you know.

You may have had his children but he is free to be who he wants, so are you, it's called an equal street.

Tell him when the classes are and tell him to look after the kids...

Get your life for you at this point because i think at some point you are going to kick him to the curb.

He is selfish and controlling and no one has the right to control someone elses life, just because he is married to you, he doesn't own you.

OK.

CW

**damd** · 07-30-2008 05:23 PM

I agree with CW there. Your husband has that old fashion view of what a marriage is. He is the bread winner and you will "do what I say woman". Sure he can be loving and say nice things to you but the heart of the matter is you are not equal to him. He is the MAN. You are to cook, clean, take care of the kids and like it. Mabe he should move on to one of those FLDS compounds. The point is he has expectations of what you are supposed to do and behave. He may want to change but it's to ingrained into him. He has and will continue to fall back to what he knows. Maybe doing some extra curicullar activities will wake him up to his doublestandardness. Don't feel guilty about helping coaching your daughter's soccer team. Go do join a softball team, dancing lessons, cooking classes. Do tell him that he needs to watch the kids while you are doing this. (Although you and I know that is going to lead to more fighting) But you deserve to do these things. You should be entitled to as much alone time as he is. You are equals. He needs to get with the program, see the picture, what ever.

Good luck to you

**tstic364** · 07-31-2008 07:25 AM

Good morning everyone. Thank you all for your advice and strength you have given me. I think one of the most powerful statemtents here that really got me thinking is that he DOES NOT own me. I am free do what I want.. I don't know why I let him treat me like that before? Maybe because I felt I had no say in things since I am not working.

Anyway, we finally talked yesterday and he still thinks that he is right to have gone on this fire. Although I get the impression that he actually knows it was the wrong descion, but is just afraid to admit it. He actually AGREED to go to counseling... Wow, I am amazed by this. He has never been willing to do this before. I am so excited to see a counsler and put everything on the table, to help me or to help him understand. This is really a step in the right direction.

C · 07-31-2008 08:02 AM

You have never in your marriage asserted yourself....You know the thoughts..."Lucky woman....Great Man....I Have Got Him..." So like many women you crawl into your hole and take all that he gives out...Little by little you change....He, being normal and a man that has never been married before, clings to the old person that he was...Nothing has changed...Even with the kids...You had hip surgery and he was horny...You know baby...Get off your as* and blow me....You used to so I need it....Do me....So for the first time you really start to rebel....Screw you...Do yourself....Stick it in a vice....Then you come on a site and scream your fury....You know....Do I have to take this Bull S*it.....and we say NO....Tell him to F*ck himself.....Now mind you this is the older and wiser broad that is saying this.....I am not up on the younger generation and how they live.....I only know how to keep a man hot and heavy and crawl on the floor to me after 50 years.....But honey, you have only just begun....You awoke.....He must now learn to crawl a little bit too.....Maybe a little at a time but crawl baby and come and get me.....I am your red hot Mama......Now we will see if your Charlie Brown has any balls or not.....Either he does and wants Mama and all that she is or he will twiddle his thumbs and wonder what in the hel* hit him years from now when he sees this hot young wife that he had being happy with the next man that would adore her........End of story...

Now my love, I am going to send this out without looking at it over again...I may change it and when I am mad sometimes I really think better....But then when I am hot I make love better too.....All my deepest love to you.....Caroline

And No, I will not come back on and answer you again.....You are woman....You have only just begun....

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