Thread: Please, help me understand... time to call it quits?

Originally Posted by tstic364

Hello everyone. I have posted on here before about my work-a-holic husband. About how I feel he chooses work over his family, and how I feel lonley and sad without him home.

Here is a little background....

We have been married for almost 7 years, together for 9. My husband is a fire captain, and he is scheduled to work five 48 hours shifts a month. On top on that he will work 4-5 days on 48 hour overtime shifts. On top of THAT, he has a side business/hobby that keeps him away from home about 4 days a month, sometimes more, somtimes less. He also feels that he has to work on projects when he is home, or he has to nap b/c he is exhausted from working so much. I am a stay at home mom of three young children: 6, 2 and 2. We do need him to work about 2 days of overtime a month, but 2 overtime shifts leaves us with a good cushion. We don't have a lot of debt, and I think all other aspects of the relationship are fine.

A few weeks ago we had a very in depth converation about how I am lonely b/c he is gone all the time, about his temper, about the kids missing him, about him ot spending any quality time with us. The conversation went well, and he agreed that he was working to much, that he would spend more time with us, that he wouldn't get angry with the kids so much. The reason he gets angry with the kids by the way is b/c they want his attention and he wants to do other things, projects.

My husband has just worked his normal 2 day shift. He has worked his 5 days of overtime for the month, and on top of his normal shifts, he has been out of town twice, and has been working on projects all day for at least 3 days this month. I have slept by myself the last 7 out of 9 days. Today he calls me and tells me he VOLUNTEERED to go on a strike team. ( a trike team is a set of fire engines that go out together and fight fires for 2 weeks at a time)

We did not NEED the money that he will make on this strike team. He chose money over his family AGAIN... I am starting to wonder if this man will ever change? I feel like I beg to spend time with him, the kids want to spend time with him, yet he never has time to give. I love the man, I really do, but I just dont know how much more of this I can take. Does it really make sense to leave him? Then I really wouldn't see him.... all I want to do is SPEND TIME with my husband. Is that really to much to ask? I keep trying and trying and trying.. but he wont change. I have tried for 7 years!! And still, no luck... I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to spend time with him, for him to spend time with the family, and then he goes and volunteers to be away from us for two weeks... I just don't get it. I am talking crazy here? Am I the one the is wrong? Should I just suck it up and deal with it?

I am so lost..... oh, and if any of you are wondering, no, he is not cheating. I have proof that he works when he says he works... He does not go anywhere without my knowledge, so that is really not a factor...

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any advice....

Hi Honey: I recognized your name as soon as I saw it...I had hoped that things had improved when you had not been around and am so sorry to hear of your troubles...You have twin girls plus another little girl, if I recall...At least I hope my memory is right...

Your husband is a boy/man...Caught up in his boy toys and life with the men...He is nervous around the babies and if I am not correct he is about 20 years older than you...You are younger and a wonderful wife....If he is still doing this he is not going to change unless you change him...Now whether he does this or not will be up to both of you...You have to hold your ground and see if he wants to play Fireman all the time with his buddies or be a family man....He has to find time for both...He is escaping into his play world to get out of any of the things that he should be doing.

I am not going to tell you to leave him but I know what I would do....But then I don't take any nonsense from a man....In a marriage, rules must be made to make both parties happy...He is not making you happy and you are going out of your way to be a wonderful wife....I don't think he is doing it for the money but to play with the boys....

Life can be lonely by yourself....And some of us say, it can be a woman's world...Of course, I sit here married just shy of 50 years with a football player stud that I cornered and had it out with years ago....

Much love to you.....

Caroline

Thanks Caroline.... You are correct, a 6 year old little girl and twins. They are wonderful.... And yes, my husband is 17 years older than me. Good memory.

I have tried to change him, I just don't think he wants to. I cringe at the thought of leaving, only b/c I want the complete opposite... I want to spend time with him.. Right now I don't know if I could ever love another person, does that make sense? He is the father of my children, and he is supposed to be my best friend... And seriously, who would want a stay at home divorced mom of three kids?? Ha! Oh gosh... I am sooooo confused.

Originally Posted by tstic364

Thanks Caroline.... You are correct, a 6 year old little girl and twins. They are wonderful.... And yes, my husband is 17 years older than me. Good memory.

I have tried to change him, I just don't think he wants to. I cringe at the thought of leaving, only b/c I want the complete opposite... I want to spend time with him.. Right now I don't know if I could ever love another person, does that make sense? He is the father of my children, and he is supposed to be my best friend... And seriously, who would want a stay at home divorced mom of three kids?? Ha! Oh gosh... I am sooooo confused.

Hi back at you: Everything that you say makes sense but sometimes what we want doesn't always happen...He is supposed to be your best friend but he is finding so many best friends that want him too...He is around them so much of the time that he is mixed up... The division is not being made between friends and family and truthfully maybe he doesn't want to...

You are young...Don't worry about who would want a divorced Mother of three wonderful children..Instead worry about you...Take care of yourself..You will do fine no matter what you do...You deserve more than you are getting...Your babies should be loved by their Father and not have to plead for the attention of him...He must give of himself or else they will resent it...Maybe he needs this shock treatment...Maybe he will grow up or just maybe you will stand tall and say I tried and not cry your eyes out but grow as each day goes by...The babies are so important as they need your love...You cannot force him to do what he does not want to do...He has to grow up....

XX Caroline

Well I'm sorry things are not getting better. Obviously your husband still views that he has his own time and has not figured out that once you get married, you no longer are an individual but are part of a unit, a team, a company. He no longer has his own it is now our time that is why he pledged himself to you. It is not you who is confussed it is him. The problem is not going to change if he still views himself as an individual first. Maybe you can somehow incorperate your position with something that he can relate to at work. Him being part of a team, I am sure that he views the team first there.

You know if this was a drug or alcohol problem you would be talking about an intervention. Maybe you can take that approach.

Good luck to you.

Thanks Caroline and damd... He finally called and his excuse this time was that he is a firefighter and this is part of his job. This is just another excuse though.. he didn't have to go. He chose to go. He tried to put it back on me, that it is my fault that he is gone all the time. It is my fault b/c I left my career (also with the fire department) to be a stay at home mom to our three children. He tells me that he is the sole bread winner and he has to do these things. This is NOT true, I told him so. Like I said, we have plenty of money with him working is regular job and 2 overtime shifts a month... He told me on the phone today that I need to figure things out, to figure out if I want to be with him or not. The problem is, I do want to be with him, and even though he says he wants to be with me and the kids, he does not show that in his actions...

I have a few days to a few weeks to think things over. I want to have a conversation with him when he gets home and put everything on the table. Even though we just went through this a few weeks ago, I will do it again. Does anyone have any ideas on how to approach this without him turning it back on me? He ALWAYS puts things back on me.. everything always ends up being my fault. I think counseling is a good idea, and I think even if he is not willing to go, I will go by myself. I don't know how long I am supposed to wait for him to spend time with us? I feel like I am already going through the process of a divorce... I am tired of arguing with him over about the same thing over and over again. Why would he keep telling me that he wants to spend time with us and then not act on it? He does the opposite. I wish someone had a magic wand and could tell me what to do. I really want a life with my husband, he says he wants the same, but he acts like he doesn't...

I feel like I am babbling and not making any sense... Thanks for reading and for the advice...

If I am not correct, I believe your husband is around 47 or so...I just can't remember..Either way, when you first met he was already set in his ways...My husband and I married young...22 and 21...Both of us had a lot to learn and very truthfully the marriage just about did not last...He hated it out of the Navy and without my knowing was planning on going back in...It is funny as we were just talking about that over lunch...I told him, here I was pregnant, and you did not care...You would have left me and gone back to be with the guys you knew and loved and to a life that you loved...He agreed that he would have gone...I told him, then you really did not love me...He said he did but not like now...He was young and some things you have to learn in life...In essence, he stayed and we made it...But I was spoiled and he was a hard headed...Jobs were scarce and in many ways he was right...But not back to the Navy..That was youth and truly not yet knowing ourselves as a married couple...

I guess you, with having been in the Fire Department, know of the closeness between the men...They buy cottages together, boats together and share everything..From what I can remember most of the wives have their own close pact but unless you were a woman that liked to party and live it up sometimes you could get lost...He is getting nothing but firm support from his "buddies" as that is they have the best buddy system that there is. It gets so that when you are away from the fire house that you miss it...It becomes more of a home than your own home..Sexually, he is aging...Even though he has no problems along these lines, he also does not need it that much...That buddy system is great...Laughing and joking and fun....Soon wives can be a great big pain in the butt and children can be an annoying factor of life...Kind of sounds like that is where you are.

See the counselor...Whether it will help is up in the air...I doubt he will listen...I believe he has a closed mind...But I am guessing... I am the older person on this Forum and do not have the younger and wiser person's advice...However, I would be neglect in not putting my two cents in here...You see I remember you from when I first joined...

Take care,
Caroline