Thread: Very confused woman

I am writing this because I am curious about what other woman think and could use some outside advice on the situation. I have been married 15 years and have 3 children (13,11,9), For the most part we have always had a pretty good relationship. I trusted him completely and believed anything this man said to me. He's not perfect, but neither am I. He is very lazy, and has never done much to help me with the yard and house. I have always hated that, but made the excuse that he is a great father and always comes home to me and used to be very loving toward me. Anyway last Christmas Eve, a text message came through and I found out he was texting a co-worker quite a bit. One message said "Good night beautiful" and another said " I wish I was there with you." So I asked him about it and the first thing he said is that "she listens" then told me she was just a friend. I found out more secrets, for instance I had a Christmas party at work and he said he didn't really like my friends and told me he didnt want to go, only to find out he went shopping with his co-worker and he doesn't really like to shop. With all the fighting going on my children came up to me and told me he had kissed their babysitter. They thought we were fighting about this and my oldest told me that a boy at school told her that her dad had come to his house to see his mother and told her he was divorced and when she found out that he wasn't she dumped him. She than stated that the boy lies a lot. All this came out Christmas day. For a while I felt pretty broken.

I confronted him about all this. He tried to lie about the babysitter and I told him that his kids would not lie about it and he finally told me the truth. I then confronted the babysitter, whose daughter is best friends with my 11 year old, she told me it was just one kiss and that she knew it was wrong and started telling him he needed to go home and talk to me about our problems. We have all been friends for years, so my gut told me to believe her. I explained to her that if the girls hung out that I would be the one to pick them up and that my husband could not longer come over and told him the same. As far as she is concerned things have worked out. She doesnt make contact and he doesn't go over.

If I was going to save my marriage things would have to change. I asked about the boy at schools mother and he said that she was a friend from high school, but told me that it was all a lie and that this never happened. The problem is that he lied about the babysitter until I told him our kids told me. With this one, I have not proof. So if it is true I will never know.

Confronted third woman ( the texting co-worker) and she told me that he was a perfect gentlemen and that they just went shopping nothing more. She said they were just friends. But with her there was no remorse in fact she said that their friendship was special to her and that she would tuck the past two weeks into a sweet dream. by the way she was also going through a divorce and I guess my husband was happy to lend her his shoulder. She said she never wanted to be a dirty secret and would stop talking to him. He said the same thing. While yelling at me he told me he was sorry and that nothing ever happened and that he didn't want me to leave. He even deleted her name from the phone.

The only problem is that a week later I got a gut feeling that he just changed the name and when he went to sleep I checked his phone and found out that I was right.

Since then he has told me that he was sorry. The problem is that he won't talk to me about any of this. When I bring it up he starts yelling. In fact, everytime we discussed it fighting and yelling is all I got. He told me that it happened months ago and he has moved on and so should I. He keeps saying I thought we were past this. I was just supposed to be greatful that he is here with me and forget any of this ever happened.

He never talked to me about it. I tried telling him how I felt inside and how all this has left me so insure that I can't even think straight. Of course I cried a lot. Most of the time he just stares straight and doesn't say anything like he is tuning me out. Our 15 anniversery came up and I kept thinking we would do something special, considering everything that has happened and the fact that I stayed. We used to at least go to dinner, but nothing this year. We were busy on that day with the kids, but it could have been another day. I guess I am looking for a sign that he still loves me.

I probably should of left, but we have been married 15 years. I told myself that if the babysitter was the only one he kissed and that nothing happened with the others, then maybe we still had a chance to fix this. I have no proof about the other women. I know he lied about the kiss, so he is probably lying about everything else. I have caught him in several lies. I just don't want to leave unless I am sure I have tried.

He loves his kids, and I sometimes believe that he is still here because of them. I just cant seem to get him to talk to me about anything real. Affairs aside, I just want him to talk to me about us. We seem to be growing even further apart. Last night I told him I just wanted us to be the way we used to. That I wanted to be the friend he came to when he needed to talk. He just said I thought we were best friends. I told him that he may be here, but I feel even more alone. We don't talk, watch tv together. We shoot archery together, but it is the only thing that we discuss now. If we are not talking archery, then we don't really talk.

Some where in the middle of all this, he found out he had diabetes, he takes medicine now and is doing better, but out sex life has gone done hill. I find myself asking for it and being turned down. My thought is that if he is not sleeping with me than who. We go a whole month without and that is not normal for us.
After everything we have been threw and now this. Maybe his sex drive is gone or is he having an affair. I don't know. I feel bad because maybe it is a health issue. He still won't talk to me about it and I am still so insecure because of everything else that i believe the worst. I just want to be happy again. We do have some good days, but for the most part I feel alone. It has been 7 months and I feel that if I was going to leave, I should have done it a long time ago. I just keep waiting for it to get better. I try to keep busy with my kids and that helps. I am just longing for some affection and I dont me just sex. I just wish he would hold me like he used to tell me that it is okay.

I am sorry this is so long, but I have been reading the forum and didn't really have anyone to talk to about all this and I am afraid that if I keep it all locked up inside for to long that I will lose myself.