You have to get married!

**Amanda.RKO** · 08-09-2008 12:43 AM

My boyfriend Michael and I have been together for almost a year now.
At first we were constantly hearing from people about our age difference. I am 20 and he is 29. Now that that subject has finally ended, all we are hearing is that we need to get married. His mother is constantly hounding him about "When are you going to marry that girl?", Every time I talk to my father his first question is "Are you engaged yet?". Its getting very frustrating.
Why is that? Michael and I do not want marriage. We don't believe we have to be married to spend our lives together. We try to explain this to them, and it seems like we just cannot get through to them, that marriage is just not going to happen with us. I will be changing my last name to his. But that is as far as it will be going.
Has anyone else had this problem? Or if you haven't, how do you think we could get through to family to make them stop hounding us about it? Michael has asked his mother why she won't stop and she just says "I think that if I keep asking you about it, then you will finally just give up and get married."

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-09-2008 01:33 AM

I think for his parents part of it, he's 29 so they probably think it's time.

Obviously, you both talk about taking names etc, so obviously there is a great soul connection with i anticipate that both families can see.

Your parents, well probably think (20) and he's (29) so there definately having sex, she'll get pregnant, people will talk ahh let him marry her please. Old fashioned thoughts haha, not much you can do about it.

I think marriage these days is over-rated yet living together and being together seems to work so much better, keeping people as "couples" more so i think, happier than feeling like a husband take the garbage out, and wife, cook me dinner, more like mates sharing.

Good luck to both of you.

The most important thing in all honesty is to just be who you want to be and live your life how you want to live it, as long as you are happy that's all that counts.

CW

**Davey** · 08-09-2008 05:26 PM

I don't plan on geting married myself, one of the greatest inventions known to man is the commitment ceremony. Or just get married somewhere outside the us that has no legal precedence here. Once upon a time, marriage was about love, but it seems more about money than anything. Less than half marriages last. In actuality it is nothing but paper, and a way to be accountable for another persons debts and such even in death. There's no reason you can't love each other without making it a legal issue, jus IMO.

**Fire(m)** · 08-09-2008 08:13 PM

I have been very happily married for 22 years.

Would I get married over again? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY would I do it? Marriage is a huge compromise. Even though I am crazy about my wife, I still wouldn't get re-married. No freakin way.

Does my wife love me? Absolutely. Would she get married (even to me) again? Nope!

My advice is do what you're doing. Stay single.
Cheers.

**damd** · 08-10-2008 02:47 AM

I think you should just tell them that you two eloped 2 years ago, sorry for not telling you. Everytime they ask, tell them that. See if that get frustrating for them.

**Fire(m)** · 08-10-2008 10:27 AM

Good idea Damd. I 2nd that!
Cheers.

**owlhunter** · 08-10-2008 12:17 PM

No, don't lie about the marriage.

When somone asks, Are yo engaged, just say No. Then change subject. If they ask, do you plan to get married, just say no. If they ask WHY, just say that is a perdsonal decision beteen the two of you. Get the idea.

Never try to explain WHY the two of you don't want to get married. It may be even difficult to explain it to each other, let alone someone else.

"When are you going to get married?" We have no plans to get married. STOP
Why? That is a personal matter between ourselves. STOP
What will people think? People will think whatever they want. STOP
I'm embarassed that the two of you are not married. I'm sorry you feel that way. STOP
Most people your age are married by now. That's true. STOP
Your mother is very upset that you two aren't married. She has never said that to me. STOP
Everyone thinks you should get married. Yes I know. STOP
Get the pictur? All the answers are trueful and polite. But then do not continue on the subject. Don't ever use the word "because" because it starts you on a discussion thaqt is really about differenences in customs or moral values, or something that will NEVER be resolved by the discussion. So don't start it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way." Is an excellent response to so many questions of the type you are facing.

Don't give in!

**damd** · 08-10-2008 09:00 PM

Sounds like a lot of work and no fun.

**rachel77** · 08-12-2008 11:22 AM

I have to agree with everyone else. Marraige is an unnecessary legality. Honestly, it complicates so many various things that you cant even imagine until youve been through it.
One of the best part about living happily un-married, there is definitely a sense of being together because you each truly love each other and not because it could be a financial and legal nightmare to seperate.
If this is a long term situation, you can both make sure that your named in each other's will, life insurance, retirement plans etc. so that you know the other will be provided for and granted more legal rights, if that is your choosing. When youre married, if you do divorce.. you lose many of those rights in the legal system without a prenup.
Of course, the fairy tale remains for many people of being husband and wife, taking his name, wearing your rings that say "somebody loves me".. those things do feel good, they feel secure.. but they do not sustain happiness. True and enduring happiness only occurs when a man and woman are in love and are together for all the right reasons. You two just keep loving each other and let people say what they will.. (I like the close conversation suggestions that owlhunter makes..) because ultimately you have love and your happy.. what a gift! Dont worry what anyone else says!

**damd** · 08-12-2008 01:29 PM

I geuss this brings up the other side of this discussion. To marry or not to marry. I understand the points made for not getting married and they are very valid points. However, it just seems to.... shallow. Like you are placing stipulations on your love. You are taking precautions because of the risk that it's not going to work. I know that statistically it won't, but this is supposed to be love we are talking about. I find it sad how many people that have been burnt from one marraige refuse to allow themselves to marry again because of the legality and possible turmoil of a marriage.

I look at my wife, she is that my wife. She is more than a partner, a best friend, girlfriend. I owe my life to her and hers to me. We function as a unit, two seperate people respecting the whole before the individual.

Funny thing is when I first got married I did not think that anything really changed. I was disappointed that there wasn't this sense of any significant change. (My wife and I lived with each other for many years before getting married) Looking back 7 years later, the change was gradual but it was significant.

To each their own, you don't want to get married, that is your decission. But there is a huge difference between partners and being married.

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