Need advice

**Briana** · 08-11-2008 08:18 PM

Hello! I am new here my first post. I was just wondering if there was anyone on here who could give me some advice. My bf whom I have a 10 month old baby with admitted to me he cheated on me. Said it was before I was pregnant because we lived 2 hours apart and that's why he did it. We now live together and just recently has he admitted it, but I think it was only because I suspected it. I am willing to give him another chance, but I have no trust in him because of this so would like some advice from other ladies who have went through this. I am just wasting my time with him or is it possible that I can trust him again and what do I need to do to help earn the trust back. I know it wont be any time soon.

I am so confused right now it's hard and I am hurt, he is the only man I have ever loved. He is a great father and pays all the bills and all I am a WAHM and just earn money for extra things. I just don't know if it's even worth my time to try to gain the trust back. For some reaosn I think he has cheated on me more than once I have no proof and he isn't admitting to it. Also, he was or is an alcoholic. He used to drink every day. not to get drunk but he would drink a couple beers everyday and then get really drunk on the weekends and he recently realized he needs to stop and has been in outpatient treatment for the past 2 weeks.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-11-2008 08:24 PM

Originally Posted by Briana

Hello! I am new here my first post. I was just wondering if there was anyone on here who could give me some advice. My bf whom I have a 10 month old baby with admitted to me he cheated on me. Said it was before I was pregnant because we lived 2 hours apart and that's why he did it. We now live together and just recently has he admitted it, but I think it was only because I suspected it. I am willing to give him another chance, but I have no trust in him because of this so would like some advice from other ladies who have went through this. I am just wasting my time with him or is it possible that I can trust him again and what do I need to do to help earn the trust back. I know it wont be any time soon.

I am so confused right now it's hard and I am hurt, he is the only man I have ever loved. He is a great father and pays all the bills and all I am a WAHM and just earn money for extra things. I just don't know if it's even worth my time to try to gain the trust back. For some reaosn I think he has cheated on me more than once I have no proof and he isn't admitting to it. Also, he was or is an alcoholic. He used to drink every day. not to get drunk but he would drink a couple beers everyday and then get really drunk on the weekends and he recently realized he needs to stop and has been in outpatient treatment for the past 2 weeks.

Hi Briana and welcome.

The first thing i picked up there is that he is realising his mistakes in life and is trying to help himself change.

I think that's a good sign really. One of the things they teach you "i believe" is to admit that you are an alcoholic and from that you admit other things".

I don't believe it's relevant at the moment of what happened in the past, if he's a good dad, and a good "boyfriend" to you and you both get on really well and usually very happy then give him a go and support him through the treatment and see what changes he makes from that. You may purely just be experiencing a NEW MAN coming in and the old one going out.

Worth hanging about and seeing i think.

CW

**Briana** · 08-11-2008 08:34 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Hi Briana and welcome.

The first thing i picked up there is that he is realising his mistakes in life and is trying to help himself change.

I think that's a good sign really. One of the things they teach you "i believe" is to admit that you are an alcoholic and from that you admit other things".

I don't believe it's relevant at the moment of what happened in the past, if he's a good dad, and a good "boyfriend" to you and you both get on really well and usually very happy then give him a go and support him through the treatment and see what changes he makes from that. You may purely just be experiencing a NEW MAN coming in and the old one going out.

Worth hanging about and seeing i think.

CW

Thanks for your quick reply! I was hoping to just wait out and see how this treatment goes. I guess back when he cheated on me I had a gut feeling which lead to many argument and he denied it. Now just 3 days ago has he admitted it and I have questions to ask and he answers them, but I don't think he is answering them well enough or making up more lies. Either way I will try to wait it out and see how treatment goes. I know he is much more irritable right now just because he quit drinking and he gets withdrawal symptoms that literally make him sick. I'm just wondering if after treatment I decide to stay how do I learn to trust him again?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-11-2008 08:51 PM

Briana
I know he is much more irritable right now just because he quit drinking and he gets withdrawal symptoms that literally make him sick. I'm just wondering if after treatment I decide to stay how do I learn to trust him again?

How perfect are you? How perfect am I? How perfect are any of us? (smile).......

I think your wise to not say anything at the moment, off course he's irritable but you have to give him 10 out of 10... He has a woman and a baby and yet, not only does he realise he has a problem but is doing something about it.

Hense, why i am saying, stick it out, stand by him, get through the treatment with him, see if you see great changes of this new person, with out the arguements and happiness. Because he would be a new person sweet. So, what ever happened happened.

As the saying goes, you won't forget, but you can forgive.

Just take the steps that's required... Baby ones.....

I'm sure you have a good guy, one who wants to be there for his family and now realises their worth, as aposed to still being a "lad" before he seems to now understand things of importance.

Rome wasn't built in a day....

CW

**Briana** · 08-11-2008 10:50 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

How perfect are you? How perfect am I? How perfect are any of us? (smile).......

I think your wise to not say anything at the moment, off course he's irritable but you have to give him 10 out of 10... He has a woman and a baby and yet, not only does he realise he has a problem but is doing something about it.

Hense, why i am saying, stick it out, stand by him, get through the treatment with him, see if you see great changes of this new person, with out the arguements and happiness. Because he would be a new person sweet. So, what ever happened happened.

As the saying goes, you won't forget, but you can forgive.

Just take the steps that's required... Baby ones.....

I'm sure you have a good guy, one who wants to be there for his family and now realises their worth, as aposed to still being a "lad" before he seems to now understand things of importance.

Rome wasn't built in a day....

CW

Thanks! I think I should wait. I do understand he is going through a lot and maybe when he is done with treatment it will all be better. I guess Im just upset because whenever I try to talk to him about anything concerning our relationship he just blows me off or says I don't know. I think he has problems talking about things like that. I know he cares about me because all his friends tell me how much he has changed since he has been with me. And since I obviously didn't know him before I don't see all the changes. According to them he has straightened up his life quite a bit besides the alcohol. Which is another thing I always ask him why he drinks everyday and he can never tell me and I am suppose to go to treatment with him once a week but he doesn't want me to go. He told his counselor it's impossible for us to get a sitter, but my mom lives 2 blocks away and i am sure she would watch them. Somedays I really wish he would just go to counseling with me, but I know he would never go.

Thanks for your advice and once again I will wait till he is done with treatment and see how things ago.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-11-2008 11:04 PM

Originally Posted by Briana

Thanks! I think I should wait. I do understand he is going through a lot and maybe when he is done with treatment it will all be better. I guess Im just upset because whenever I try to talk to him about anything concerning our relationship he just blows me off or says I don't know. I think he has problems talking about things like that. I know he cares about me because all his friends tell me how much he has changed since he has been with me. And since I obviously didn't know him before I don't see all the changes. According to them he has straightened up his life quite a bit besides the alcohol. Which is another thing I always ask him why he drinks everyday and he can never tell me and I am suppose to go to treatment with him once a week but he doesn't want me to go. He told his counselor it's impossible for us to get a sitter, but my mom lives 2 blocks away and i am sure she would watch them. Somedays I really wish he would just go to counseling with me, but I know he would never go.

Thanks for your advice and once again I will wait till he is done with treatment and see how things ago.

You do know that eventually other's will also add to this

England is sleeping and America, not sure i think it's around 11pm at night?

I think if you don't mind me saying, but it's wicked if you've made him more responsible than he was. I am also assuming you both are young. Be proud of yourself for that.

But, as i said, hope you don't mind me saying but, chill and lay off his past, maybe because you always want to know everything and question things, he can't open up and doesn't want to share either, that's history.

Just be you... Let him do this alone and when through, then work towards being a couple, talking together but about "today" not "yesterday"... Think you have a much stronger chance of survival and happiness that way.

See what other's think as well when they wake up.

CW

**Briana** · 08-11-2008 11:27 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

You do know that eventually other's will also add to this

England is sleeping and America, not sure i think it's around 11pm at night?

I think if you don't mind me saying, but it's wicked if you've made him more responsible than he was. I am also assuming you both are young. Be proud of yourself for that.

But, as i said, hope you don't mind me saying but, chill and lay off his past, maybe because you always want to know everything and question things, he can't open up and doesn't want to share either, that's history.

Just be you... Let him do this alone and when through, then work towards being a couple, talking together but about "today" not "yesterday"... Think you have a much stronger chance of survival and happiness that way.

See what other's think as well when they wake up.

CW

I am hoping others respond to this! I am young, he isn't as young. 24-36. I do feel good about making him more responsible than he used to be especially because of his age, but at times I think he is more responsible because of our baby. I do let him do the treatment alone pretty much. I asked him once if i could go with and why and dropped. And when he gets home I ask him how it went and nothing more. He always does say quit bringing up stuff from the past, and I don't like doing that. But when in the past was current and I would ask things about our relationship and me thinking he was cheating he just get defensive and not answer. If he doesn't answer questions about before me then whatever I don't care but if I ask questions since we've been together i would like answers. If I don't get them I will wait and bring it up later. I know it's not good to do that, but he needs to talk to me more I think.

**Joy** · 08-12-2008 12:11 AM

hi briana and welcome!

i think CW has given you great advice. I know it still must hurt and add confusion to your life. When you met he drank and cheated but somewhere along the way he has realized you are part of his future not of his past. He is making amends and admitting where he has gone wrong in life and i think it took a lot of courage to admit that. He was honest and took the chance that you may walk out the door but he did it He is trying to start fresh with a fondation of truth instead of lies.

good luck to you guys and take it one day at a time.......... that is what sobriety teaches. Love yourself and love him too because he is your baby's dad and regardless how it turns out he will always play a role in your life and your baby's.

As for the couselling at this point 2 weeks into the game well he might be digging thru events that triggered the drinking and that made him numb himself everyday. Maybe once he feels secure in opening up old wounds and dealing with them he might let you in a lil further. All you can do is support him at this point and give him a little space to get his head around it all.

he is learning a new way to cope with life instead of turning to booze and he may relapse if he doesn't learn how to cope. Go on addiction sites educate yourself i know thru AA they offer counselling and support to family members affected by alcoholism. You need to learn new ways to deal with your bf. He is leaving his past behind and he doesn't need someone constantly reminding him of what he use to be. He needs someone to help him get to where he is going. The drinking and cheating may have been the only life he was taught and i'm sure its no reflection of you. Sometimes we are just creatures of habit.

I would be proud of him he obviously thought you and the baby were worth being sober for.

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