Can men and women be friends?

**Clara1983** · 08-23-2008 08:51 PM

Hi guys!

These are some questions I have been discussing with my friends for the past few days.

Can men and women truly be good friends without becoming attracted to one another and screwing things up?

Can they be friends even if they have all ready had sex?

Does sex help or complicate friendships? (i.e. get it out of the way and focus on the friendship..or open doors that can never be shut)

Can a woman have a friendship with a man who is attracted to her without him becoming frustrated and bitter with her or just desperate and depressed?

YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!

Long and crazy, or short and sweet, tell us!

**rcoreyus** · 08-23-2008 11:11 PM

I think men and women can be just friends (I am just friends with some women).

I think men can women can be just friends even if they are attracted to each other. As long as both understand the boundaries (for ecample a bit of flirting, but no explicit suggestions or physical contact. ) that can work well too. There is one woman who I flirt with regularly, but we really are just friends, and nothing else will ever happen (and we have had, and not taken advantage of opportunities). The attraction just adds a bit of spice to the friendship. At least in my case, neither of us is frustrated, we just enjoy teasing each other a bit .

I think you can be friends with someone you have had sex with (though my experience in this is very limited). I don't know if you could be friends with someone you once loved, but don't anymore. I know it would be difficult for me.

**withered_rose** · 08-24-2008 12:25 AM

Hey Clara,
I think that there is always going to be some kind of attraction some where, but it may not be anything that would be acted upon.
As for the being friends after two people have had sex is possible, i mean i am still very good friends with a couple that i had a threesome with, but that's another story..... lol sex can cause an intimacy that may not be wanted in a friendship.... it's as simple as that it depends on how close the relationship is before the sexual encounter happens.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 08-24-2008 06:43 AM

I'm sort of a believer in 'the ladder theory', google it if you want to find out more about it. It's a very cynical but spot on observation of relationship dynamics.

Basically, the abridged version is that women have two 'ladders' into which men she meets are put, one ladder which holds those of romantic interest, and another ladder for friends (obviously the higher up the ladder you are, the better off you are, in either category). Men, on the other hand, only have one ladder into which all of the women that they meet fall. Now, what this does mean, is that you can be friends with a woman, as long as she is of less relationship 'worth' than your current partner, or if they fall below the standards you require from a woman. If they are desirable and high in your single ladder, then frustation will spoil whatever friendship relationship there was. It's like choosing to sit outside a lovely smelling restaurant when you're hungry, but have no money. There is only so much of a point in winding yourself up, and taunting yourself.

There might be reasons that you'd remain friends, vainly hoping that she'd change her mind and put you on the other ladder (rare, once you're a friend you're a friend, you'll be told just how bad all of the men that shag her are, but you will never be one of them), or to meet more women in the terms of her friends,

This is just a general observation rather than a hard and fast rule, but I agree with it,

**Fire(m)** · 08-24-2008 08:38 AM

Anon, that's interesting. I'll read up on the ladder theory. I don't really know if I agree or disagree with it at this point, but you did a good job of presenting an overview reasonably.

I do think that men and women can be friends. I have several female friends and that's all there is to it. I would NEVER mess around with any of my female friends. My female friends know me well, and I know them well too. This knowledge of eachother is just as much a deterrent to us having a sexual relationship as what you point out in your "ladder" theory, although in a sense, it could be construed to play into that theory.

The main thing that keeps me from messing around with my female friends is that I'm just NOT THE KIND OF GUY WHO DOES THAT SORT OF THING. My female friends are similar (as far as I know) in that they are just not the kind of women who would do that. It's just out of the question. It's not a matter of where they are on my ladder because they will never be higher on my ladder than my wife. It just wouldn't happen.

Cheers.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 08-24-2008 10:38 AM

Fire, the fact that "you're the not the kind of guy to play around with friends", is substantiated in the ladder theory in that your wife holds (relatively) the top position in your ladder for females. A younger more attractive model might come by, but that doesn't mean that she has a higher 'value' to you than your wife. Therefore, you can be friends with her and not desire to 'have' this woman, because she is lower on the ladder than your partner. If you didn't have a partner, you would go for them, and if you had a partner of 'lower worth' then you would (assuming you were likely to suceed) end your relationship in persuit of a more worthy female...

In terms of knowing someone too well, many men will be more sexually attracted to people they don't know as everything they don't know is a mystery, and a positive. When you know someone, you know all of their faults as well, making them a less desirable package. And of course "what you have to lose" comes into the equation of how worthy a female is, as these valuations of worth are more rational than "I like those boobies, lets make babies".

**silvertae** · 08-24-2008 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by Clara1983

Hi guys!
Can men and women truly be good friends without becoming attracted to one another and screwing things up?

Can they be friends even if they have all ready had sex?

Does sex help or complicate friendships? (i.e. get it out of the way and focus on the friendship..or open doors that can never be shut)

Can a woman have a friendship with a man who is attracted to her without him becoming frustrated and bitter with her or just desperate and depressed?

I have several close friendships with males and they can be very successful and satisfying relationships. However, every single one of them has included an element of attraction from one or both sides. Usually what happens for me is that I find myself attracted to them (and may be aware of their attraction to me) and there is a bit of flirting initially, but we eventually reach a point of getting past that and finally end up with just friendship feelings. There's definitely a different dynamic to my friendships with males and it can be really refreshing and comforting in the way they contrast with my female friendships. You just need to recognize if there is that attraction and keep yourself from being inappropriate and ultimately it should fizzle and you'll just be left with a great friendship.

I'm still good friends with an ex boyfriend so it is possible to be friends after sex. However, we stayed very close right after the breakup because we were best friends and it was hard, but once we both met other people we stopped hanging out for a while until we were both comfortable with the idea of thinking of the other person with someone else. Now we can at least mention our respective boyfriends/girlfriends around each other without any jealousy issues, but I don't think we'd get into any discussions of sex. (I do sometimes discuss sex with my other male friends...the ones I was never intimate with).

The only ex boyfriend that I have difficulty being friends with is the one who was emotionally abusive...but, uh...I think that makes sense.

I did have one VERY complex friendship with a guy that ended badly. We had feelings for each other for several years but never could get together in that way. Finally he came to visit me and we had sex. It was sort of a weird experience and when he went home things just got weirder. Communication was kinda limited, I got serious about another guy, and then all of a sudden he unfriended me on a social website and when I emailed him asking why, he said that he just didn't think he could ever JUST be friends with me. ...And then said that he's changed a lot and was now in a relationship with a guy and living with him. So...yeah. I still don't know how to process that whole situation.

**Devo** · 08-25-2008 03:18 AM

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

... 'the ladder theory' ...

Haha! That was my first thought when I saw this thread. Yes and No to it.

I have some female friends that I am, just friends with. But undoubtably there is more than a hint of sexuality. All of our conversations have copious amounts of innuendo and sexual suggestion. But at the end of the day, we can still both go out anywhere, meet new people and make relationships happen that way. Or even introduce our other friends to each other and try to set things up that way.

**Livelaughlove** · 08-25-2008 08:33 AM

First I'm going to agree with anonymouswhitefemale 100% on the ladder theory.

My personal experience. Led me to have several female friends. Ill break down your post.

Originally Posted by Clara1983

Can men and women truly be good friends without becoming attracted to one another and screwing things up?

Yes and No.

No.

If they are attracted to each other then there is a possibility that the attraction can become soo strong the only way to release it is to sleep with each other. This typically happens when both people flirt with each other and continue to push boundaries but never step over it.

Only when a man gets comfortable with himself and he knows that he can attract any girl he wants, he will be in a scarcity mindset and every girl he will talk to he will try to get into a relationship with.

Yes.

Female: Usually the female makes the choice whether to give that speech of "Lets just be friends". This happens when she is not sexually attracted to the guy anymore. Sometimes this causes the man to stop talking to her because he deems it as a failure. Women typically love having a few guys friends around because she can use them for several things, for ex. When going out it stop other men from constantly bothering her.

Male: If the man chooses to give the female this speech then its cause of the ladder theory. When the man has many women in his life he will look at women no longer as an object of affection but instead will see them as just another person.

Originally Posted by Clara1983

Can they be friends even if they have all ready had sex?

Yes. However it depends on several things. One of the biggest questions that has to be answered is "Why did they have sex."

Originally Posted by Clara1983

Does sex help or complicate friendships? (i.e. get it out of the way and focus on the friendship..or open doors that can never be shut)

Again it depends on the situation. To many people sex is more the just intercourse. However to some it is just another way to express yourself.

There are a few women in my life that just want sex, they call me because they know that I wont be up there a$$ once there needs are satisfied. We still act like best friends we give each other advice and hangout and we dont always have sex.

Originally Posted by Clara1983

Can a woman have a friendship with a man who is attracted to her without him becoming frustrated and bitter with her or just desperate and depressed?

It depends on the guy. Refer to what i mentioned above.

Hope this helps

live laugh and love

**SorridLives** · 08-25-2008 10:38 AM

I think it is pretty simple most of the time. Men and women can be friends because one of the two or both does not want more out of the relationship. There are times when one of the two may fantasize about more, and there are times both may, but unless both want to take it further, it will not go further, regardless of any atrraction. It happens a lot when couples have other single and couple friends. Happens everyday.

Thread: Can men and women be friends?

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Can men and women be friends?

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions