Mom and I disagreeing about college

**Kaitie** · 08-24-2008 06:52 PM

So here's the deal. My mom is awesome. I love her, she does everything and more for me and my brother. She has paid for pretty much everything in both mine and my brother's life and I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her. The problem is that in about 2 months time I will be applying to a 4-year university from a 2-year community college and my mom has already told me if I want to go to CSU Long Beach (where my long distance boyfriend currently goes) I will have to pay for myself. It doesn't have anything to do with cost but all to do with my boyfriend. They get along fine (well...up until recently when this topic came up) it's just that she thinks I would be making a mistake in going there. Apparently when she graduated high school she was in a serious relationship and in an attempt to hold the relationship together she chose not to go to college. She hasn't told me this story at all but has apparently told everyone else she has talked to about this. She really wants me to go to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo (where my brother went) but the longer this conflict goes on the more I despise the thought of going there. I really love my boyfriend and I think he is worth fighting for and I know he feels the same way about me. My boyfriend even spoke to my mom about this while I was out of the house. You can imagine what I was thinking when I walked through the door and saw the two of them sitting there looking at me as I walked through the door. Would I be wrong to talk to my mom in order to let me choose which college I want without being punished? It is her money after all. But then again it is my education. Should I just let it go and take care of myself if I choose to go to Long Beach? I still have, what? 8-9 months before I get my acceptance letters?? I definitely have some time. I just want some outside opinions.

BTW My major is Business administration...possibly accounting. I just found out I have a knack for it

And my top four choices are San Diego State University, CSU Long Beach (obviously), Cal Poly and UC Santa Barbara.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-24-2008 07:23 PM

Simply put, your Mother doesn't want you to make the same mistake that she made.

You have an awesome opportunity ahead of you to be successful in the chosen fields you are studying.

"Distractions" such as a boyfriend being in the same proximaty can ensure failure, she knows this, i know this... It's very hard, very hard to concentrate on both a full time relationship as well as full time commitment at Uni.

She doesn't want to be the "cause" of a failure.. Even if you turn around as say but Mum I will be studying hard it will not make a difference, she is trusting her intuition and knows that it will.

If you only become a "receptionist" for the rest of your life as a result, when you could have been an accountant it will be forever on her mind that she created that.

It's hard to look at it from an Adult's perceptive but I'm sure that her logic is within those relms.

How far away is the other College from your boyfriend?

How long have you been going out with him?

What do you do now, converse via internet and phone?

Just a few questions to add to some answers other than mine that's all.

(SMILE)

CW

**Kaitie** · 08-24-2008 08:23 PM

I am currently 8-10 hours away from Long Beach (depending on LA traffic) and 1 1/2 hours by plane. Cal Poly is 3-5 hours away. San Diego is 2-3 Hours away and Santa Barbara is 3-4 Hours away. We've been going out for a year and a half this October

So we will be going on 3 years by the time I transfer. Right now we use facebook A LOT just because it's easier to send a message in the morning before our classes and possibly text each other throughout the day and then get home and message each other back. We also use the phone a lot more now. It was sort of weird at first but now we can talk for hours. The communication portion of our relationship is rock solid. It's the physical portion that lacks for obvious reasons. I'm actually going down to see him at the end of October. That will be a two month stretch for us. He's been home this summer so I've seen him nearly every night. It's going to be hard to break the habit. This will be our second year doing long distance. We were only together for 4 months before he left for school and we actually broke up for a month after he left. Then I went down to see him and we decided we would give it a try and although it's been hard at times we've made it work. I would honestly be surprised if we stayed together for another two years if I didn't go to Long Beach. I'm not saying I plan on basing my decision on whether or not I want to have a chance at staying with him, but he is definitely a factor I cannot ignore.

I absolutely agree with you. I know she is looking out for my well-being and she doesn't want support me in a possible mistake. But at the same time I feel like she is in a way ruining our relationship(my mom's and mine). There is a definite tension now that wasn't here before. It sort of seems like she is setting me up to fail also. Not intensionally though. I keep thinking, okay, I am going to have to pay 1. rent 2. utilities 3. tuition (which will probably lower than my rent because of grants) 4. food 5. school in general (books, supplies etc.) in order to pay all of this I will have to work and go to school at the same time or take out loans. I'm not saying it's impossible or not an option. But not many people are able to balance work, school, and a social life successfully and stay on the 4 (or 2 in my case) year plan. I understand her reasoning for wanting me to make a different choice in my education. But thats just it...it's MY education. And no matter what I will have a better education than the one she got; which is a handful of units short of an AA. I guess I just wish she would express her understanding of my situation rather than dismiss it and call it nonsense, you know? I don't plan on confronting her immediately about this but I think I will try to have a sincere conversation with her at some point.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-24-2008 08:43 PM

Sounds to me like your very grounded and mature.

Also, that you understand that things (anything) is hard work. Maybe point that out to her.. Because of your attitude thus far with your boyfriend and the time you have been together is commendable, as well as further eductation she should realise that you will attempt and exceed at your education whilst also giving your relationship the chance it deserves.

Yes, Mother's tend to think they are doing good. When sometimes they are doing bad and conflict between the two of you is not worth it.

So, if you were to start your colledge with him, is it possible after 12 months to re-locate?

This question because, if it is. Then you can maybe say "Mum, let me give it a shot, if it appears my grades aren't good due to not concentrating which i don't believe it to be the case, then I will transfer willingly in that understanding".

Also she could be finding it difficult to "let her little girl go" into the arms of a man which means that her closeness with you may not be the same.

Perhaps you need to also let her know she is your Mum always will be, but at some point in your life your wings will fly with or without her permission, you would prefer that you have her permission and the closeness you feel now, to always remain..

I think she needs to see your a big girl... It's sort of blackmail on a different level but I would think it's based on fear.

Discuss with her what she is so worried about and try to squash that fear.

Off course see what others say as well.

CW

**Fire(m)** · 08-24-2008 10:09 PM

Kaitie. You seem to have a grasp on the reality of things. I have a couple of points for you.

1) You have listed the expenses associated with supporting yourself, but you are seriously underestimating them (trust me...I know what it costs to keep a person alive, clothed, insured, etc.). It will be EXTREMELY difficult for you to do this on your own. Basically what you will have to do is to get a FULL TIME JOB with good benefits, and take your college as a side-effort.

2) Your Mom has her own opinion (right or wrong) of how this should come off. She is ABLE to support you at about 2/3 of the cost of you supporting yourself...maybe a little less than 2/3...maybe toward 1/2 as much.

3) In any event you are faced with a financial dilemma.
a. You can go on your own and pay your own (F-ing expensive way). OR
b. You can do things your Mom's way and work under those guidelines understanding that she is honestly looking out for whatever she perceives as your best interest. OR
c. You can try to convince her that YOU are right and she is wrong. I'm guessing you've already tried this and it hasn't worked for you, or you know upfront that you will not be able to achieve your desired result. OR
d. You can get your boyfriend to transfer to wherever it is that you are going. It takes 2 to tango baby. Just because your b/f goes to one school doesn't mean he has to stay there. If YOU are as important to him as YOU think you are, let him prove it by transferring to where you go to school. See if he's willing to go out on his own 100% for YOU.

Cheers.

**silvertae** · 08-25-2008 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Then you can maybe say "Mum, let me give it a shot, if it appears my grades aren't good due to not concentrating which i don't believe it to be the case, then I will transfer willingly in that understanding".

This sounds like a good option. You really might try talking to her regarding CW's idea.

Honestly, it's totally doable to maintain a relationship and excel in college. SO MANY people do it. I think your mom's being unreasonable (though I wouldn't put it to her in such words). But try to reassure her. Tell her (and mean it) that school will be your first priority, that you'll make efforts to get involved in campus groups so that you have friends aside from just your boyfriend (really important) and that because you are aware of the potential problems, you're more prepared and ready for this challenge than she thinks you are.

I had a couple serious boyfriends in college, was a very active member of a campus group, and graduated summa cum laude. Now I'm doing a masters in a different country to be with my boyfriend and am doing just fine. You just have to be disciplined and prepared for all eventualities.

But ultimately, if your mom won't change her mind, I'm gonna say it's not worth it to kill yourself working and supporting yourself just to be with the boyfriend. You have no idea how fortunate you will be to have no debt after college. It's only a couple more years to live by your mother's rules and then you'll be debt-free and free to do whatever you want after graduation.

**Kaitie** · 08-25-2008 05:46 PM

Thank you all for your advice. I think the best thing to do at this point is to let things mellow and when I begin to apply for colleges I'll try to talk to my mom. I just need to make her understand that I don't plan on going to school and losing my head over my boyfriend. Like I said before, no matter which school I go to I will have a good education.

And yes, my boyfriend has also thought about transferring to whichever school I end up going to. But I think he is putting himself at a bigger risk than I am. When he started school he was a math major, and now he's a civil engineering major and hasn't quite satisfied the GE requirements that he would need in order to transfer. He's mostly taken classes that pertained to his major.

We'll see. I just hope if nothing else she can at least support whichever decision I make... and possibly help me out here and there if I choose to go with my boyfriend.

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