Thread: Marriage/relationship counselling

Originally Posted by flauwekul

I wonder how much can it help.. how about after finding out he cheatted on you?
How to trust again?
How to know if it won't work again....
How to manage the pain and anger..
How to get to forgive?
How to move on if it is so clear it won't work again..??

Hi Flauwekul (that is Dutch, isn't it?),

I have had a simular experience: my husband cheating on me and me finding out.
The world ended for me there and then.
I could not eat, speak, work, function but had a newborn baby to take care off.
After 3 days of begging and crying of my husband I accepted to stay in the marriage.

The only thing that diminishes the pain is time. It does, it really does.

I believe over the years I could forgive him, I never forgot but I forgave.

I had to force myself to not be suspicious (you can't be without killing yourself).

I also trust he has never done it again.

Bottomline : time will get you over this that is for sure!

Hang on there

Just recently I was discussing the subject of how much help marriage counsellors really help. Neither myself or my SO knew anybody that it had helped.

I have tried it with my wife and it did not work. The reason: My wife had "issues" that she was not willing to face, issues that were the major underlying problem of our relationship.

I am of the opinion the marriage counselling rarely helps. The reason being that if there is a problem in a relationship it is frequently caused by a deeply hidden issue(s) that one or both of the parties have.

Until the party with the issues is ready to face those issues any joint therapy will not make meaningful progress.

Dealing with these issues needs to be done face to face with a shrink (or similiar). So many times the issues are so hidden that the person does not really know they have them.

I speak from experience. I have issues and am working on them. My SO knows (becuase I told her) what these issues are. And she has her issues. Some are very difficult to admit to, but without first admitting to them you cannot work on solving them. Some may be with you the rest of your life, but you can learn to face them and deal with them and not let them control your actions.

Poor communication is one of the biggest problems in most relationships. But you must discover WHY you do not communicate well before you can work on improving communication. Doing that takes courage. More than some people have.