letting go of resentments

**tara50** · 08-26-2008 11:39 PM

Hi everyone..this my second time posting..I had posted about a month ago about my husband and daughter not getting along..My daughter is 15 and my husband is her step dad..We've been married for 3 years. Recently we started seeing a marriage councelor again..It was either that or another separation..(we had separated last winter for 6 months.)
I came back home in May of this year and ever sinse i have been back he has been different...When I met him, he was very giving and so much in love with me...But he was also very jealous. and controlling..He accused me of having affairs on different occassions, and he was very clingy as well...At times I felt smothered. He and my daughter were continuously fighting for my attention.She was jealous of him and he was jealous of her...This is what broke my heart because I love them both...But it felt like i couldnt breath sometimes..My daughter is shy and he mistakes this for being rude...It hurts me when he tells me that she is rude, and unappreciative...He also gets very upset if my daughter doesnt say hello to him or thank-you if he does something nice for her...I have always tried to teach my kids to be polite...But i think Tara(my daughter) is a little intimidated by him, and more shy around him then she is around other people..In the past I felt controlled by him and smothered by him and Oh there is so much more that happened that i dont have enough space to write it all down....

We are both recovering alcoholics and attend AA and alanon..I have been sober for seventeen years..I am 42 years old...He has been free of drugs for thirty years, and alcohol for five years..He is 52 years old..We have always been able to talk through alot of our problems and enjoyed spending time together..We fell in love ,

We spent time talking to a pastor (getting counceling from him before we got married..After we got married i quit some of my jobs(I clean houses) and i quit some because he was making good money...but i started loosing my independence...But i continued to work part time..I could tell in time that he wanted me to work more and help pay some bills,, but he never said anything and i didnt want to get more jobs...I admit it..I wanted him to make the money and i wanted to spend it...although he did spend more money than any man i was ever with, and more then i did....

anyway, right before we separated he was sick..he had just gotten a major surgery on colon, and i was a wreck because i worried about him...but about two weeks before we seperated he came into the councelors office and went off on me...in front of our councelor..he was yelling and screaming about how i dont work, i dont contribute to the relationship and so on and so on....and he was right about alot of it...But i had a hard time hearing it and wished he would have told me this long before instaed of keeping it all in....

So we separated in december and he kept calling me and i kept calling him...but we lived separately...meanwhile i tried to look at my part in the all of this..and he ended up getting a really good aa sponser and he did a fourth step inventory with his sponser..by the time i moved back in all he has done is told me and my daughter all the bad things we did to him(not appreciating him et.) he complained about me never doing the dishes, never making dinner etc...which wasnt entirely true...I kept our house very clean, yes there were times when dishes were left unwashed for a day or so...

but anyway...now i am trying to change my ways...and i am doing pretty good...My problem is that i am having trouble letting go of all the pain he has caused me and i get very angry when he complains about me because he did alot to cause turmoil in our marriage,, but he thinks because he did a 4th step ( which is a personal inventory, meaning you look at all your faults and try to change them..)
He thinks that now he is the good guy and when he complains about anything or mentions that maybe we should separate again i get furious because his insecurities and jealousy pretty much started all of this...I do go to alanon which helps but i am having a hard time forgiving him...any thoughts...
I know this is long and maybe hard to understand i dont know...but Im really in alot of pain, because we do love eachother...and i dont want to end another marriage,,..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-27-2008 01:25 AM

Well for me one word springs to mind. "Acceptance"...

I think that you need to be pleased that he did the (4th step) and is coming to realisations of what he has done wrong in the realationship... Including the problems with acceptance of your daughter.

How is he expressing this? Is he admitting things that he has changed, thoughts, ideas and ways? Or simply that he has finished a programme end of story....

I don't mean this the wrong way at all... But you are "kind of" agreeing with him over the things that he is saying are "wrong" in the relationship that he/was is not happy with.

Dishes left for over a day, you not working as much (but you'd love to spend his money) ..even though he spends more than you anyway... But that may be a real problem to him, always paying whilst your not bringing in as much as he feels would make life easier.

So are you going to make sacrifices yourself? Compromises?

Just a thought there.

You need to see what he is saying just as much as you wanting him to see what you are saying/feeling... It's kind of a two way street and if you can't forgive him, yet he is trying to sort through his emotions and correct his ways from what you are writing, then there is a real problem..

I could tell in time that he wanted me to work more and help pay some bills,, but he never said anything and i didnt want to get more jobs...I admit it..I wanted him to make the money and i wanted to spend it...although he did spend more money than any man i was ever with, and more then i did....

now i am trying to change my ways...and i am doing pretty good...My problem is that i am having trouble letting go of all the pain he has caused me and i get very angry when he complains about me because he did alot to cause turmoil in our marriage,

The whole point of the programs is to try to stop the things that previously happened, he's trying.

Can I ask what you are doing and I'm pleased that you are but you are not mentioning what you are doing..so it makes it hard to look objectively.

but he thinks because he did a 4th step ( which is a personal inventory, meaning you look at all your faults and try to change them..)

He thinks that now he is the good guy and when he complains about anything or mentions that maybe we should separate again

I am not sure if you are saying "he feels proud" that he is accepting and learning of his mistakes but can't fathom that your not understanding that, or whether you are saying he brags and doesn't care about you at all and laughs at it, then uses blackmail?

Sorry, but that part is a tad confusing.

May help with your replies if you can fill in a few of those blanks.

CW

**tara50** · 08-27-2008 01:19 PM

Hi, thanks for responding. I meant that I am changing as far as not being as selfish.I have gotten more jobs and am making and spending my own money now. I am always washing dishes, making sure that no dishes are left out for more then a day.. and cooking dinner as well. I am trying to give more to the relationship including in the bedroom. I am more giving basically. I am also more strict with my daughter about respecting him. I give him money for certain bills and have my own phone bill as well as paying for all my other bills..I compliment him more and do nice things for him..

As far as him doing the 4th step work, I am glad that he has done it and i am proud of him and grateful. I was sober for 12 years when i met him, and he was still drinking. So he was only in early sobriety when we got serious with eachother. He was previously married to an alcoholic who cheated on him. And he was very insecure throughout most of our marriage. But he is also a co dependent, he gave me things , bought me anything i needed, and told me not to work as much, to just take a break. He was like the guy on that movie "when a man loves a woman" He had a need to take care of me. even though i was capable of taking care of myself...And i admit that i fell into it. I quit some jobs and made less money. But forgot about my own independence, therefore i put him in control...He has done things and said things to me that were very emotionally abusive. things that are hard for me to let go of, or forget about..Although he has never hit me, One time he pulled me away from my friends at a dance. He dragged me out of the dance in front of my friends, and i felt degraded., he has also hung up the phone while i was in the middle of a conversation . I dont mean to go on and on about it..I am happy that he has changed in that way although i feel like he now just avoids situations that might make him act out, such as coming with me to social events..and it hurts me, my god daughter got married two weeks ago, and he didnt come. By the way i have never even thought about cheating on him. I barely even talk to any male people while he around, in fear that he will get upset. but he is even jealous of my female freinds.

The changes that are bothering me are that he seems so different now as far as his co depency. he went from giving me whatever i wanted to giving me nothing at all, he went from being nice to being more stern..Its like theres no middle ground. I cant even explain it..but the main reason i wrote this in this forum was because i was hoping to get advise on how to let go of the past..how to forgive him, and to move on.

My resentments only come up when he complains about me and all my faults from the past. And he just doesnt seem happy anymore. He keeps saying that he loves me but he doesnt think i am happy..
My daughter and I made a speacial dinner for him and a cake for his birthday, she bought him a card and signed it Love Tara and we bought him a bunch of presents,, it didnt even seem to phase him..Its like I am changing, but it doesnt matter, and i keep thinking that it was his co depency , his insecuritys that led us here...I know that isnt true, i know that i also had issues, but this is what i keep thinking. and it feels like hes just pushing me away..

I understand that he needs to go through his own recovery and i feel bad for even writing all this, but i dont want to talk to my friends about him anymore

please reply again, and thanks for reading..

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-27-2008 06:24 PM

Hi Tara

I did make a lengthy reply however, the computer crashed and I lost it.

I think seriously, that your husband treated you like a "princess" at first feeling that that may work for him, seeing as his previous wife cheated.

I also think that as that was just a "false pretense" to make him feel secure, it has now gone.

You state that he is emotionally abusive and that no matter what your daughter does, he doesn't care to show her any affection, and that he is jealous of her, your friends, dance partners anyone that gets in the way of him getting 100% attention.

You also say he is trying to work through issues. He is an alcoholic, you knew this when you met him and you yourself went through something similar however, 12 years ago.

What concerns me is that your daughter is suffering. What ever she does is not good enough... She is hurting over all of this and she is doing everything she can but for you.

You I think, "think" you can save the world, that is him... Not the case. He has a lot to sort through, a lot as he is very in-secure. He will not go to the parties with you because he doesn't want to drag you off the dance floor again for instance, for no reason.

Personally?

Your daughter needs to be your priority at the moment as horrid as that sounds.

Let him go through all the care and help he needs to jump all of the negativity and obstacles that he has to..

You and your daughter need to be happy and not dragged down.

Whether you accept that this is a stepping stone for him and that you need to stand by him longer to "see", I can't make that decision for you.

What I want you to see is the damage that it is doing to your daughter.

She may not trust future relationships as a result where there are great relationships out there to be had.

You took on a wounded bird from the day you met him.

He hasn't healed that wound in 3 years.

Think carefully about what your next move should be...

CW

**N01** · 08-28-2008 07:08 PM

when he complains, do you ever take the time for you two to just talk it out? sometimes that's all that is really necessary. was in my case.

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