in love with a married man...?

**Lost_in_Shame** · 09-03-2008 04:01 PM

for about 2 years now me and a friend of my dads who is alot younger than my dad have been secretly seeing each other ... i am having some thought about it all ... first of all he is married but has no kids and he talks about how he isnt really happy with his relationship... i know he probably is just saying that but she used to come around and now she dosent so it makes me wonder and second of all here latly he hasnt been the same then i started thinkin he dosent drink as much as he did when we first started hanging out .... so did he only like me because he was drinking or what im real confused

**miffed23** · 09-03-2008 04:40 PM

Hallo and welcome!

Number one rule - if you are going to get involved with a married man, never ever become emotionally attached to him, if you do (which is usually inevitable, unless youve a stone heart), then you need to bail.

Obviously, this advice is worthless - just wanted to vent a little

Yep, youre right - he is probably very happy at home and his wife is probably fully devoted to him... on the rare occassion that he is truely unhappy, and lets assume he is telling the truth... then, why does that change anything? Sure, you can wait around for him to file the divorce, give it a few months / year for him to sort himself out and then you begin to have a relationship with this man - but could you trust him?

Married men are some what appealing and im not judging you, been there myself, but theyve a remarkable way of making you believe anything they say. Sit down, have a think - i can almost guarentee that this man is controlling your life, does he decide when you meet, is it not a horrid feeling having to snoop around, do you wait around for his calls, cancel things with your friends for him?

Im sure thats not what you want to do for the rest of your life. Let him go. Easy to say i know. If you cut all ties, he might give you the easy way out and leave things be, but be ready for him to pester the living cr*p out of you to take him back. Dont. Be strong. Put all your feelings into a worthy, available man, where you dont need to tread on eggshells everytime to phone rings or a floor board creaks. Good luck with your decisions.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-03-2008 05:23 PM

Second welcome...

Apart from agreeing with Miffed.

Alcohol consumption regularily is used often for the purpose of feeling "good" about life, as you feel down, negative.

When you two got together, more than likely, he was going through a phase with his situation at home, and the flirting became an attraction and another way in which to beat that "down feeling".. He may also not have been happy with work, finances a lot of things, which all took toll on his marriage, there is always more reasons behind being un-happy in a marriage.

I would say that your relationship possibly helped him out of a lot of that, made him feel good about himself, attractive, sexual.

She may not come around as much because, let's face it, would you be able to hide that little "sneek smile" to him, or the pat on the butt as you walked past thinking she would miss that? People aren't stup1d it's too risky...

More than likely as miffed said, "bet he tells how what time he will be there, so to make yourself available, be home", same, he would be telling her "something" in order for her not to worry about coming over.

I would suggest if he has stopped drinking as much and is distant, then he has got his life in order and that part of his journey is near a close.

He is married, so at the end of the day, that's all there is too it. He didn't get married because he hated her lets face it.

Unfortunately, you would be better of, personally saying time to move on and set him free and more importantly YOU free.

Off course you gain feelings for someone you see, that's natural.. But your alternative is demand that he leaves her and then get yourself cheated on later, with a broken heart on what he did to you, that he did to her..

And, your Dad, consequently also finding out about the whole thing and smacking him in the face, for hurting his daughter.

Lots of consequences.

Be gracious and walk away now.

CW

**ILuvHim** · 09-03-2008 06:49 PM

as i was saying, you need to find someone that is single and not date married men.....

**Happy1** · 09-03-2008 07:34 PM

Lost In Shame,

Please know that you are NOT the first and will not be the last woman to be involved with a married man. Dont beat yourself up over this, all you can do now is stop doing whats wrong and do what you can to move on. You know he is married, married men arent anymore complicated than the rest, they do what they have to, to get what they want (That could be sex or just emotional satisfaction).

Think of his wife, how she would feel knowing. Its natural to care about him, I am sure that he is not a bad person, just confused, like yourself. Its hard to seperate your feelings from the situation, but thats exactly what you have to do. Look at it from the outside, take in all the facts and do your best to listen to yourself. This type of relationship isnt healthy for anyone involved. Just because he doesnt have kids doesnt mean that his wife doesnt love him. Also, I am sure that he is not telling his wife he is unhappy. If he were, I doubt they would still be together. Would you be with someone who tells you they arent happy with you?

Do whats right before it gets any worse, it can always get worse. If he cared for you, he would never put you in this situation.

**SorridLives** · 09-03-2008 07:50 PM

Originally Posted by Lost_in_Shame

for about 2 years now me and a friend of my dads who is alot younger than my dad have been secretly seeing each other ... i am having some thought about it all ... first of all he is married but has no kids and he talks about how he isnt really happy with his relationship... i know he probably is just saying that but she used to come around and now she dosent so it makes me wonder and second of all here latly he hasnt been the same then i started thinkin he dosent drink as much as he did when we first started hanging out .... so did he only like me because he was drinking or what im real confused

I am confused too. He isn't the same, you say. Maybe he is weary of the affair much like he was weary with his wife. If a person cheats with you, they most likely will cheat on you. He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants....

**SorridLives** · 09-03-2008 07:52 PM

By the way...Just wanted to ask...Why are married men attractive to single women? I notice a lot of younger women do tend to like to attract married men. I did not have that inclination when I was younger....so I wanted to ask.

**Richard S** · 09-03-2008 08:37 PM

Because you get to use killer pick-up lines like, "Wow, that Om tattoo in the small of your back is really nice. I've been trying to convince my wife to get one. Which tattoo artist do you use? Has he done anything else for you?"

I think, when all is said and done, a lot of younger women are curious about playing the mistress role. It's an experience they want to have, something to play at.

Others respond to the ease of a man who has more experience, who notices and appreciates the little subtleties of female behavior, who doesn't make the mistakes men in their 20's make.

And some women just have father issues.

**Lost_in_Shame** · 09-03-2008 08:49 PM

well thanks guys and you are right it is alot harder than it sounds ... since he is my dads best friend he is over every day ... so that whole cutting myself off thing isnt that easy even know i would be so relieved if it would end ... and that whole trying to get a relationship really dosent work for me becaue i am affraid of commitment which is yet again another reason i went for a married man

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-04-2008 01:14 AM

Originally Posted by Lost_in_Shame

well thanks guys and you are right it is alot harder than it sounds ... since he is my dads best friend he is over every day ... so that whole cutting myself off thing isnt that easy even know i would be so relieved if it would end ... and that whole trying to get a relationship really dosent work for me becaue i am affraid of commitment which is yet again another reason i went for a married man

Not to be rude, but it is understanding when it "happens" falls into a situation that is difficult to get out of.

However, your basically saying that you "deliberately" went out with a man who was married not caring at all about anyone else in the picture, ie) his wife, and ie) your Father as he is his friend.

And, now you would be actually happy if it was to end but he comes over every day.

So? End it. You are in control of your own body.

End it. Because it's evident that you know that you are hurting other parties and you don't have that right to do so really if you think about it and:-

End it. Because you HAVE LOW SELF ESTEME if you can't handle a relationship so therefore just aim at those who are un-attainable.

And work on your self esteme.

Just my "opinion"

Why don't you tell us why you can't have a relationship, why you don't think that you are worth having a committed, real realtionship that is yours.

That might be a big start.

CW

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