Scared of Sex

**AnnaKate** · 09-05-2008 03:36 PM

I too am scared by sex. I started sleeping with guys when i was 16 years old, the first time was a drunken mistake and now looking back on it i felt like i was forced into it.
In total i have slept with 11 guys none of them have been someone i knew well, and 99% of the time i was drunk.

Yes, i can see everyone thinking 'what a slag' but honestly im not, i have had issues and was very lonely at the time & wanted to be loved. which never happened.

Im now 25 and see all my friends getting married having children and i have never had a relationship because im so scared of sex, i hate the thought now of someone seeing my naked and touching me, it makes me feel sick thinking about it as im overweight and hate everything about myself.

Everytime I meet someone who takes an interest I freak out after the first few dates as i know soon it will lead to sex and it scares the life out me.
A recent incident, I was getting to know a mate quite well and we started kissing and he said how much he wanted to be with me, I basically went stiff and would not let him near me, I can't express my feelings to my mates so have no one to talk to about it.
I think if i can't get over this, what is the point of being alive when im going to be alone forever.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-05-2008 04:43 PM

Originally Posted by AnnaKate

I too am scared by sex. I started sleeping with guys when i was 16 years old, the first time was a drunken mistake and now looking back on it i felt like i was forced into it.
In total i have slept with 11 guys none of them have been someone i knew well, and 99% of the time i was drunk.

Yes, i can see everyone thinking 'what a slag' but honestly i'm not, i have had issues and was very lonely at the time & wanted to be loved. which never happened.

I'm now 25 and see all my friends getting married having children and i have never had a relationship because I'm so scared of sex, i hate the thought now of someone seeing my naked and touching me, it makes me feel sick thinking about it as I'm overweight and hate everything about myself.

Every time I meet someone who takes an interest I freak out after the first few dates as i know soon it will lead to sex and it scares the life out me.
A recent incident, I was getting to know a mate quite well and we started kissing and he said how much he wanted to be with me, I basically went stiff and would not let him near me, I can't express my feelings to my mates so have no one to talk to about it.
I think if i can't get over this, what is the point of being alive when I'm going to be alone forever.

Hi AnnaKate.

Welcome to the Forum, glad that you are expressing and no, we do things for reasons sometimes, so no one thinks you are anything, let's get that clear.

If you think about what you have said here, you are clearly showing the reason why you are petrified of having sex, why you feel that way about your body, and why you can not get intimate.

Each time you did have sex, you were drunk, if not every time, i would guess nearly.. And, the first encounter you were taken advantage of, you can see that now, and therefore it was without consent.

You felt that giving your body would give out love, but did not get that in return, more than likely that was the only time with each of them, or else if it continued, then you were used.

That is your doing, yes.. But, for the reasons of you feeling that you desperately needed to feel loved... Those guys had to have shown affection first, talking nicely to you, kissing you, affection and the sex is the end result.

You are 25, (forget what your friends are doing that is not important), and you don't want things to continue this way, so now you've completely shut your body down sexually, totally, to the point where you fear sex so much that no guy will have a chance building a relationship.

What you need to understand is that not every guy wants sex.. Well off course he does, but, the guy you want is one that will love you, hold you, laugh with you, be with you, unconditionally and WAIT until you are ready for sex, as boyfriend and girlfriend.

What you need to do is realise this and admire your body, PAST IS PAST you had your reasons.

Now you are in the PRESENT. So, now look at it all differently.

Tell yourself, I want a boyfriend, he will find me I won't look.

I want him to want me for me.

I will not give sexually until I know that he wants me for me.

When I do it will finally be with love as I will love him, and him me.

It will beyond my dreams as it will be real.

If any man tries, and doesn't take no, i wish to wait, for an answer he's history, until that man comes along that will wait for me.

And, trust me, if you write this down and read it every day, every week, you will believe this yourself and you will show that air about yourself that speaks beauty and you will therefore attract the right men into your life and you WILL end up with exactly that.

Can you give that a go?

What do you have to lose?

CW

**AnnaKate** · 09-05-2008 05:05 PM

Thank you so much for that, you reduced me to tears but in a good way, I will do what you have asked me & hopefully with time and patience I will get there.

Again thank you xx

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-05-2008 05:11 PM

Originally Posted by AnnaKate

Thank you so much for that, you reduced me to tears but in a good way, I will do what you have asked me & hopefully with time and patience I will get there.

Again thank you xx

Well, how about in addition? You come here every day and post a little something positive about that day? And tell me how many times you read those words for yourself

I mean how am I mean't to keep an eye on you ? LOL.

Patience is understandable, remember i said every day, every week it will happen, not over-night but each day you will see a little bit and then a bit more and over time you WILL GET THERE.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 09-05-2008 05:17 PM

You say you are overweight - I can't see you so I can't know. But its not important. A man who loves you will not care, will not notice - he will think you are beautiful. If someone doesn't love you, you shouldn't care what they think.

On thought though - how you think of yourself effects how others think about you. If you think of yourself as ugly, undesirable, a "slag", others will pick up on this. If you think of yourself as attractive, outgoing, a person of great value - othrers will also think of you as a person of great value.

**AnnaKate** · 09-07-2008 05:11 PM

I have just come online & seen ur reply thank you.

I think its a good idea to come on here & post my thoughts and feelings on here.
Today, I read the first reply I had, and kept reading it, my first sexual encounter was something I did not want, was not ready, my friends at the time thought it was a brilliant thing to happen as I was the first out of my mates to lose my virginity, inside I was hurting so much that this guy basically forced himself on me whilst I had no control over what I was doing due to drinking. Hate is such a strong word but I do hate this guy for making me hurt & 8 years later im still hurting.
Once, myself and friends were discussing when we lost our virginity & I have not got the guts to tell my friends what happened so I am sat there, big fake smile on my face trying to pretent that it was all one big laugh.... to this day I still cannot tell them BUT you guys out there will be pleased to know tonight I got in contact with a male friend who over the years has become a very good friend and I do trust him, I have explained to him I would like to sit down and talk to him, he knows something is bothering me and has told me no matter what it is, he will try and help me. So wish me luck when I see him.

I want to move on, I know its going to take a long time and you women out there are reading what I am writing & are the first people to know what I have gone through.
Looking back over what I have put, it makes my problem seem extremely small compared to some of the other problems posted but honestly this has been eating at me for so long that I needed to tell someone and here you are helping me and for that I am grateful.

Will keep you posted :-)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-07-2008 05:42 PM

Good for you, expressing is also a way to let go and I am pleased that you wrote a post and that you are going to talk to someone else, in person...

You will feel and experience in my opinion, such a release just from doing that, as i except you did just then, writing that.

Look forward to your journey with us.

CW

**Fire(m)** · 09-07-2008 08:00 PM

Annakate...your feelings are very common for women. I know you feel alone, but you are not. Many, many women feel similar to you. They are maybe overweight, or maybe not. Maybe they are "perfect" in your eyes, or in mine, but in their own eyes, they are highly flawed. They may even feel flawed to the extent that they don't know if they can go on.

My point to you is that many if not all women feel this same way to some extent. Truly. Trust me because I have been with many women who have had "issues" as you described. The fact is that I have found all of them very beautiful in their own right. I wouldn't have been with them if I didn't think so.

If I could encourage you to do one and only one thing...it would be that I would encourage you to work very hard on accepting yourself for who you are. Don't focus on your imperfections, but rather focus on your positive attributes. Positive attributes can do so much for you. If you're a positive person...if you're loyal...if you're kind...if you're willing...if you're sweet...if you're funny...if you can look and laugh at yourself, you are AWESOME!

You are just a woman. Part of the problem is that you have the mindset of a woman. Don't get me wrong, there are beautiful things about the mindset of a woman, but there are also negative things about the mindset of a woman...not the least of which is to be way too judgemental about their bodies, and themselves...to question their worth and virtually everything that can be questioned.

Embrace your beauty. Embrace the beautiful-ness of you as a person who is loving and capable of being a great partner to someone...and then you'll be on your way to having a happier life.

Cheers.

**AnnaKate** · 09-08-2008 01:12 PM

I always have looked at myself and wondered why blokes chatted me up etc, I have never felt beautiful in my eyes, I was slim a few years ago then suddenly piled on the weight which I cannot seem to lose, I think this could be a major factor into why Im feeling so low.

Even when I was smalled I still did not like myself, too this day when I think about parts of my body I like and nothing comes to mind, everything is like ewwww to me.
One thing I do like about myself is that people do come to me when they have a problem and I do all I can to help them which makes me feel a bit better about myself.

What I would like to know at the moment is how can you boost your confidence, this is something I cannot seem to grasp, obviously there are the problems I have been through which I need to get over but I still need to have a social life & meet my friends, go clubbing etc and Im always the quiet girl in the corner who will not approach anyone unless im majorly drunk, and then the next day everyone has a joke and laugh about the drunk girl.
Maybe I don't need these people in my life at the moment..... I dunno

Im still petrified to talk to my friend when the time comes but Im hoping once I know when this will happen, can you advise me on how to say all this to him?

**WildChild** · 09-08-2008 01:47 PM

My heart goes out to you. I might have been in your shoes. My first BF set me up to be raped and I had some real self esteem issues around that but was fortunate to have some male friends who were supportive and caring and got me through it. This is hard but you have to forgive. Now that doesn't mean you have to forget or that it makes the things that have happen to you OK. It isn't about the men that took advantage of you, forgiving is about you moving forward.

Every time you think about this you re-victimize yourself. Those guys probably never think about you, if they do you are one of many. A couple of points; some of them probably have issues just as big as yours and may well have been drunk too. You have to find some compassion if there is room for it. Just as you have put up a front about your experiences, men do too. I had a buddy contact me a few yrs ago trying to find a girl he dated in school (we're talking 30 yrs here) he want to appologise to her because he felt he had treated her badly.

Back to forgiving, it allows you to let go. You give it back to them. You may be forgiving yourself as much as anyone. I actually wrote a note to the old BF a few yrs ago (no contact info, this isn't about having a dialog) Told him I forgave him and wished him well. Now I don't have to carry it, it's his. If you need help getting into this, start with a lette but telling how hurt you are and what you want to hear him say. This is for you, you can really dump on him if you need too, get it all out of your system. Then what do you need to hear? Write it, I'm sorry, I hurt too, I care, what ever you need to hear. Then write your forgiveness. If you need to you can send it but light a fire, have a letting go ceremony if you want and burn the rest! You can send the forgiveness if you want but this is about you letting go so you can heal.

Then start working on loving yourself. How can anyone else if you don't? Start a diary for positive thoughts. Write something good you did each day and something you like about yourself. Some days you may have to really stretch - Got out of bed and brushed my teeth! Put up positive affirmations, a sign over your mirror "Hello Beautiful!" Self talk your self all day about how wonderful you are, all the things you have to be thankful for - I like to do this while I'm running. Volunteer someplace and do something for others, nothing picks you up more than knowing you have made a difference for someone. Take a class, what's something you always thought would be interesting? Expand your horizons, you'll feel better and you'll be a more interesting person for it. Start walking everyday and eating healthy. Not for your weight but for how good it is for you! You can do this. You'll have up days and down days but you have to stick to it and know you are becoming the best you, you can be. The rest will come.
The actress Lauren Bacall had a great saying, "I am not a has-been, I'm a will be"

Thread: Scared of Sex

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Scared of Sex

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions