Am I addicted to sex??

**somebody's74** · 09-18-2008 10:27 AM

I don't know how to handle this, I don't know if something is wrong with me. I have been with my husband since we were 15 we are 33 now.

He's the only guy I've ever been with and I'm totally into him.

I want him all the time and think about him all day long. I'll do anything sexually that he wants to please him, I have given him threesomes, I'm into anything he wants, problem is that he doen't want me! This has been an ongoing issue for us almost since the beginning. It seems sex was only exciting if it was risky or out of the ordinary and it seemed he was more into porn online than me.

He'd always told me he was just different from other guys and that sex was just not that important to him and he doesn't think with "that head" like most men.

I could do it a couple times a day sometimes but I'm happy and can survive without much aggrivation if I get it a couple times a weeks which I don't think is too much to ask.

For the most part for the past few years I only get it about once a month which is a huge problem for me and is really upsetting.

I think I must be abnormal and he thinks I am too, he says I want it too much and he gets aggrevated at me for being so sexual he says I think about it and focus on it too much.

It's like if I don't get to feel his skin against mine or feel him kissing me very often.......well he's like a drug to me, sometimes I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin if I don't feel his touch after a week or so of not having it.

Well, I put up with having it only about once or twice a month for the past three years just pretty much accepting that o.k. he's just not into it, I love him and have to accept it even though he was looking at piles of porn online everyday.

That rationalization worked decently for me until I found out about 7 months ago that he'd been having an affair for the past 2.5 years. An affair that was very sexual, I saw emails between he and the other woman and he talked to her and did things with her that I have only dreamed about him doing with me for the past 18 years we've been together and that hurt bad, spending years sexually frustated and remaining 100% faithful while another women gets what I want and he doesn't want me.

Well, after the affair came out it's been rough he's begged for forgiveness we've been in counseling he swears he made a huge mistake and only wants to save the marriage and I have to say that his actions back up those words and out of all the pain I saw a tiny silver lining, I figured that now that he wasn't getting "it" somewhere else I'd be taken care of more now.

(yes we got tested for std's after the affair came out) But much to my surprise even though he's not having sex with her anymore he STILL doesn't want me,

I swear if I didn't initiate sex we'd never have it.

Now what's happening is I want it more than ever it seems to be the only way I feel love or comfort after all the pain I've been through and I get so angry if we don't have sex especially if he doesn't initiate.

I guess I am really hurt and angry about the affair especially believing for years that he just wasn't really into sex and going without when I wanted it because of that only to find out that he likes sex just as much as any guy, just not with me.

It's like I can feel his lack of sexual desire for me in everything, I told him I wish he would talk to me tenderly during sex, I wish I could hear him say the words "I want you" or something like that. He never does,

I tell him all the time I want him and if I say "I want you so bad" to him during the act instead of replying with something like I know I've been wanting you too he'll simply say "now you have me".

If we try to talk about this topic all we do is fight and I express very clearly what I want and like and it's like it just doesn't matter to him.

The thing is once we started he's great in bed, he loves to please he loves performing oral it's just that I want to be wanted I want to hear that I'm wanted,

I want him to initiate a couple times and the thing is if he does initiate it's because I have been ing that it's been awhile since we did anything and the way he goes about it,

instead of getting into bed and maybe starting to kiss me or tell me he what he wants he get's in bed and sticks his hand immediately "down there" with no kissing or foreplay first so I'm totally not wet or aroused yet or he gets into bed and get's into the 69 position immediately by putting it in my face which I don't mind it's just that it seems he seriously wants to avoid closeness with me,

no kissing me, no kissing my neck or whispering sweet things in my ear just "get right to the main act" and don't say a word to me the whole time.

I'm so frustrated, is there something wrong with me, am I addicted to sex or have seriuos emotional issues or something? I mean most couples I know the husband complains constantly that the wife won't give it up anymore and I can only dream about my husband wanting me like that.

I'm not kidding I don't think he'd have a problem if we never did it again. I've spent the last few days searching the net for ways to "decrease my sex drive" so it will stop being a probem for us.

I've suggested that we get into swinging and then maybe we won't fight about sex anymore if I get my needs met somewhere else and he's totally against that too, he says he can't handle another man having sex with me.

What am I supposed to do just go the rest of my life longing for something I want so bad but will never have???? any input would be so appreciated!

edited ......

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 09-18-2008 11:06 AM

Aaah! Repost that, broken down into PARAGRAPHS and I'll read it.

**Hystorm** · 09-18-2008 12:18 PM

Good Hll....Why are you still with this man?
Do Not decrease your sex drive for him, what blasphemy!

You need to find a new man that will treat you right and give you all you want and more. There are plenty of guys out there who would kill to have you as a wife!

You should really consider leaving him for awhile and let it sink into his head about being without you. You both really need a reality wake-up call!
> >
Best of Luck.

**Fire(m)** · 09-18-2008 12:19 PM

I think that there is a "disconnect" between what he says he wants, ie. he says he wants to save your marriage and have a great relationship with you and what he actually wants (which seems kinda...lazy).

My question to you is: If you have this big of a difference in sex drive with your husband and have had this for some time, and he has had an affair, and after the affair was over he still hasn't made things right for you, then WHY do you want to be with him? Really...why? I know you're going to tell me because you love him, but think about it a bit before you say that because you seem to be pretty miserable.

The difference in sex drive is enough to break up most marriages, then you have the affair, then you have the aftermath of the affair where he is totally "not into you". I think that you have some pretty clear writing on the wall so-to-speak. Maybe you begin looking out for yourself and do what's right for you instead of hanging with someone who doesn't want you and has showed you the disrespect of having an affair.

Talk is cheap unless backed by authority. He can say he wants a great marriage with you, but if the facts don't add up to that, there is no authority behind his words.

I hope it works out for you how you think it should.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-18-2008 12:55 PM

Thanks for taking the time to re-paragraph but I did it for you.

That's a loooong time for you to remain in a relationship that is un-attentive?

And, one where he just goes for the kill, seems a bit selfish on his behalf.

I don't think you have a problem, I think that he does. You say he has been like this almost from day one, 15 years of age to 33? And he's into Porn more than you, and affairs, not into you.

Could it be that you two met too young, are you his first and only as well?

I think he is selfish to be honest full stop.

CW

**somebody's74** · 09-18-2008 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by Fire(m)

My question to you is: If you have this big of a difference in sex drive with your husband and have had this for some time, and he has had an affair, and after the affair was over he still hasn't made things right for you, then WHY do you want to be with him? Really...why? I know you're going to tell me because you love him, but think about it a bit before you say that because you seem to be pretty miserable.

As far as our sex life goes yes I am pretty miserable and have been for a long time. As far as dealing with the aftermath of the affair yes I am miserable. However you were right when you said I would say I love him, I do very much and we have two great kids and years of history.

On top of that I start to feel really guilty for the fact that there are some great qualities about him and I feel like "Can someone really have it all"? And am I being greedy asking for more? I mean he's changed a lot of his ways since the affair came out, he holds my hand when we're out, he calls me a few times a day while we're at work to check on me, he takes me to dinner about once a week, we spend a ton of time together even if it's just sitting down to watch a movie. I guess I need to decide if the lack of sex and his total lack of interest in me is worth ending the relationship over at this point even if we did start to have more sex I think I would just feel like he was doing it because he has to and resent me for it.

I am really confused and don't know what the right thing to do is. I know that I do need to lose about 40 pounds and he's very hung up on thin women and it was pretty much after our first son was born and I gained weight that he totally didn't want me hardly at all anymore. The woman he was cheating with was thin and he's made numerous comments after the affair came out about how unhappy he's been with my weight for years so I've been trying hard lately we've been walking almost 6 miles each night but I have reason to believe that even if I lose the 40 pounds or so he still won't want me.

**somebody's74** · 09-18-2008 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Could it be that you two met too young, are you his first and only as well?

CW

Yes I was his first and only other than the mutual threesomes we had twice about 12 or 13 years ago and the affair he had recently. Many people feel we got together to young and I worry about that too, I just don't understand because we seem to be very much in love, it's apparent to everyone and we miss eachother during the day and a lot of fun together just hanging out. Could it be that we just love eachother like two wonderful friends and the chemistry isn't there like other couples?

He says that I should realize that he can desire me in other ways other than sex. My question is how? I want more than friend with occassional benefits. Phew, it's frustrating!

**halco1118** · 09-18-2008 04:52 PM

If your addicted to sex then I am too apparently!

You love him, want him and seem to need him but honestly...why are you with him still?

Don't ever change! Find someone who'll accept you for who you are and somebody who'll fulfill your every need. There are men like it, you sound like you deserve one!

Put yourself first for a change, find what you need & chances are you'll discover an even deeper love and regain that feeling of being adored. As every woman should!

Shweedart x

I know theres no worse feeling then other people telling you to leave the person you love so don't hate me. I would've drawn the line at the affair

I can't believe it. I swear it feels like I have tried almost everything to lose this stomach fat and tighten it up. I'm sure some of you, especially myself are sick of hearing your hubby make little comments, being sarcastic and all, about your weight. I know they don't mean it, but its all that it takes to push my button. So I went about it on my own will, and not because of what he says. I usually just let it go in one ear, and out the other =P

I hate meeting in person with individuals about my weight, I dont know why I guess its just becauase I feel uncomfaterable talking to someone I dont know entirely to well about me being over weight. Lately i've been looking on the net for some sort of diet plan that doesnt require me to feel as if I am in math class with all the calorie counting. I've found a few that sounded promising, but I had a hard time making a decision. I ended up trying the Fat Loss For Idiots program, it guaranteed me to lose 9 lbs. in 11 days.

The diet plan they had me on was so unique and almost unorthadox. They make you eat 3-4 times a day which put a lot of doubt in my mind. Although it sounds weird it actually worked. They get you to eat more of different foods that contain different types of calories which trigger 2 different hormones in your brain (a fat burning hormone and a fat storing hormone.) Certain calories trigger the fat burning hormone which, hence the name, makes your body burn fat, so they have you eat more of the foods that contain the specific calories that trigger the fat burning hormone. The same goes for the fat storing hormone, but you eat less foods that contain specific calories that trigger the fat storing hormone, that way you minimize the amount of fat your body is storing and maximize the amount of fat your body is burning. Thats the explanation to why they have you eat so much. There is obviously more to it than that, but the program covers all the key areas of the body.

Anyways I just wanted to share my success with those who are having trouble because I was there to and all I needed was a little motivation. Well, I hope everyone good luck in the future!

Toodles, Sydney

EDIT

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-18-2008 05:13 PM

I can feel your frustration, but I am so still feeling that he is selfish.

I agree, I would have put my foot down and scared the living c.........p out of him, when he had the affair, threatening at least to leave.

He watches Porn - They are thin
He had an affair - she was thin
He has been telling you that he doesn't like your weight - thin

Physcologically, he has it stuck in his head that his preference of a Woman is THIN..

He is "selfish" in as much as that is it. Forget, the Woman I married, and the love for her, it's the fact that I like thin people and that's it...

Yes, if you were thin, he would probably jump your bones over and over...

People that can not look past the outside are honestly very seflish and i can't use that word enough here.

Yes, he loves you and is attentive with affection but he thinks that your fat, he doesn't find that attractive and therefore, he doesn't wish to have sex.

SELFISH?

Don't you think?

CW

**WildChild** · 09-18-2008 06:02 PM

You aren't addicted to sex, just normal and deprived. Walking is good, kick it up to power walking maybe run a bit of it too. Do it for YOU, not for him. While you are out for your walk/run, do some mental and emotional work. Think about all the things you are grateful for, envsion your life as you want it to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20. Do you see yourself with the same man? In the same house? Living that same life? It's also a good time to run out your frustrations, review your anger (that will drain your energy usually). It's just good healthy alone time.

At the same time start changing your diet, eat nutrient dense foods, lots of fresh fruits and veggies, plenty of water. Start educating yourself about foods, theyare chemicals and affect your mood and health in all sorts of ways.

Why am I recommending this? I did it about 3 years ago and dropped over 40 lbs, have kept it off and feel great. Work on your self talk. What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, is a great book for this. Is there a class you'd like to take? Somepalce you want to go - find a way to do it!

You and hubby hooked up awfully young and he is really manipulative. You need to break the bounderies for yourself. You say sexually you've done whatever he wants? When has he done what You want? Start taking care of you. The weight is an excuse, chance are you've gained it in part because you feel unloved. Love yourself. I don't have a problem with porn as such, but it sound like he has a problem with it. He may have the addiction, not you. One part of the definition of addiction is that it interfers with living a normal life. You both should stay in counseling, whether you save the relationship or not, a good counselor can help you sort this out. They should be helping you work on getting where you want to be and figuring out what that is.

I think ultimately Fire has nailed the situation. The man is selfish and lazy. Do you want to keep living like this? Chances are that's what's in store - not that it can't be turned around but it will take work. Is he willing to do it?

Here's an idea. Tell him if he want to save the marriage you want the two of you to go to an EMO semminar (Extended Massive Orgasm) where he will learn to focus on you and give you orgasms lasting as long as you want (you could be talking hours). Or find some similar program focused on your pleasure. You've said when he chooses to he's good but he just get's right to it - that's not a good lover. EMO focuses on the woman. He's given a lot of himself to fantasy women on porn and to a lover - tell him you want something that is all about you! And don't settle for 69s. Neither of you can focus on your own pleasure or your partner's. If you give him a bj it's about him, if he goes down on you it's all about you.

He's blown it for years, you've let him get away with it. You can't control anyone but you, start setting your own boundries and establishing your needs. It could be one day you'll go out for a walk and just walk right out of his life and into your own.

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