Sexual problems among many...

**jen4625** · 09-26-2008 03:10 PM

My husband and I have been married two years and I have not once had an orgasm when we have sex. Everytime we get into sex, there is no foreplay, he goes for the boobs for a few minutes and then to sex. He hardly kisses me, and that is all there is to it. 100 Percent of the time he has to finger me to finish me off. The other thing is he pushes away when he doesn't want sex, which is probably about 80 percent of the time. So sex does not happen often and when it does I just feel like a prostitute who lays there while he gets his. To top it off, we are having marital problems so I think that gets in the way too. I don't know what to do. I actually admitted to him for the first time about how the sex has been. I felt badly about telling that to him, but we are trying to make our marriage work. THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME!! I can't be in this marriage if there isn't anything positive going on sexually. Any advice?

**WildChild** · 09-26-2008 11:26 PM

I know the feeling - call it marital prostitution. Has the sex EVER been any good? What was it like before you were married? Is this trying to teach an old dog new tricks or trying to reawaken passion? Has he just gotten lazy or did you think it would somehow get better later?

Trouble with sex usually either starts the marital problems or quickly follows. Can you communicate anything to him? Would he respond to a request such as saying you want to create a special evening, starting with each of you freshly bathed, a nice dinner you either prepare together at home (together, not you alone) or out at a place you dress up a bit for. Tell him you want that followed by a moonlight stroll - I know it's dark of the moon right now but in a few days there will be a nice bit of moon, that should be followed up by a make out session. Not sex, just making out, like you did when you were first discovering each other. The idea is to rekindle or just stir up some feelings and anticipation. It couldn't hurt and it might help.

Is he depressed? This will get you depressed if it continues! Have you tried counseling?

**Fire(m)** · 09-27-2008 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by jen4625

My husband and I have been married two years and I have not once had an orgasm when we have sex. I actually admitted to him for the first time about how the sex has been. I felt badly about telling that to him, but we are trying to make our marriage work. THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME!! I can't be in this marriage if there isn't anything positive going on sexually. Any advice?

I quoted your text above and took a few sentences out (hope you don't mind), but I did it to make a point. Marriage is a two-way street. One of the most important things in a marriage is your ability to communicate with your spouse and his ability to communicate with you. I'm guessing that this is perhaps your LARGEST problem (a failure to effectively communicate).

See, you're really irritated because the sex has been lousy for the past 2 years (and you're right to be irritated by that)...but...you haven't said anything to him about it until now. So who's fault is that?

I think that many marriages fail because the people expect it to be a 50/50 proposition. They only put in their 50%, and when the other person puts in 20% (say on a bad day, week, month, year, etc.) you have a failing overall score. 50%+20% = 70 = F

Having been married for 20+ years, here's my basic recipie for a happy marriage. BOTH husband and wife have to try to put in 150 % regardless of how they perceive the other's participation. Maybe even 200 %. What I mean by saying this is that, you should plan on carrying the relationship by yourself totally (giving way more than he or she does).

The fact is that nobody can put in even 100% most of the time. BUT, if you're trying for 150% and you end up with only 80%, it's ok even if your counterpart is still at 20%. 80%+20% = 100% = A = successful relationship.
In a truly successful relationship, the balance will change between people over the years. Sometimes one is equipped to put forth very little and sometimes they're equipped to put forth a lot. The reason you both have to plan on carrying the relationship by yourself is that sometimes you will HAVE to.

My suggestion to you is increase your communication about everything. Show you love eachother an tell eachother those things. Value eachother and understand that each of you need to attempt to put forth more than 100% in order to have at least 100% overall at any given time. At the end of the day, each of you look back at what you did to your relationship. If both of you can say "I did 5 things today to make my relationship better" or even one thing...you'll probably be alright. If not, then get a divorce and get with someone who you can do this with.

Cheers.

**Fire(m)** · 09-27-2008 11:56 AM

One additional point.

Communication: Exchange of ideas. Example: "You suck in bed".

Effective communication: Accomplishment of mutual objectives. Example: "I have a problem that I need to tell you about with regard to our sex lives. I often go unsatisfied. Really I fault myself for this since I haven't communicated it to you. Truly, the way we've been doing it recently, just makes me feel like a prostitute or something. It's really not good. Next time we make love, I'd like to be more communicative with you and let you know a few things about the way I think things should go, so I am more satisfied. Probably this would end up making things better for you too. We just need to work through this together. I'd be happy to know if you have some suggestions to make the experience better for you too".

My example is mediocre, but just stated to give you the point. When you communicate, focus on what's wrong, how it makes you feel, and particularly...how you two can go about fixing the problem.

I'm no psychologist. Just my opinion.
Cheers.

**Scott43UK** · 04-18-2011 02:24 PM

Jen, speaking as a married guy with some of my own bedroom issues, I just want to say that sex is about giving as much as it is about receiving. Sex is best taken slowly and through experimentation. Why dont you try showing him what you like, how you like to be touched, the speed, the pressure , the tastes and the smells. Talk to him as you let him watch you so he can hear and see the difference between how you are pleasuring yourself and his wham bam method. This will not only excite him but he will learn from it, of course he is going to want to give you the same level of pleasure that you are giving to yourself!
It is important that he sees you, gentle touching, the sounds of your breathing and moaning, you tasting yourself to encourage him and your body shaking as you climax. Treat yourself and him and let me know how it goes.