Doing it right

**In-Need** · 10-02-2008 03:49 PM

Hi Ladies - I'm 50yr. male and Married to a 54Yr. Female.

I normally would not interfere with your conversations, but I went to the mens site and you can see right away that men do not communicate back and forth very well. Hardly any threads are responded to.

I've learned a lot reading your threads. I desperately need advise for this topic. If I may, I need to give a hopefully short story.

Last yr. I almost died from Portal Hypertension(FR: a Liver disease) God had mercy on me and spared my life. I'm currently recovering and I'm on Blood Pressure Meds. They seriously deaden my sex abilty. For a while we couldn't have sex all, alto I wanted to.

My wife seems to deal with well. She doesn't tell me any different. Sex to her, I think she can live with it or without it.

Recently tho I found out about this g-spot thing. It's amazing, I'm 50 and just finding out about it, wow! I know she doesn't know anything about it.

I've also recently started some PE's and I think it's going to help my blood flow and ED Problem.

Normally I'm sized I guess about an average when fully functional.

I use to be in the Navy and I've been around the World almost but never heard about this G-spot.

The other nite we had intercourse and I believe I found it and started to massage it carefully and she became anoid.

I know she was tired and wanted to sleep. She works very hard and I'm still on SS. so I quit and went ahead and did my thing, letting her go to sleep.

Next day I told her I wanted to really work hard making love twice a week. She didn't respond other than sigh.

I know She's under alot of stress and I do the best I can around the house and try to make her feel Important and special and she is! I love her and want to make her happy. I' am very sorry for they way our lives have take a bad turn.

We've both worked so hard & now it seems to be falling apart. (I'm sorry getting a little to emotional, spilling my beans I guess) but any way I tho't if I can get this g-spot thing to work It might arouse a new spark in Life and give us something to look forward to from time to time, see what I mean?

Hear it is - I can't bring myself to talk to her about the g-spot before trying it again because I'm very afraid she's going to blow it off and it will ruin things, but if I just try it and she feels like she has to pee then I know she'll Hold it back, won't she?

We are supose to have a special night out Fri. and she knows we are planning on love making when we get home so I want it to be very special.

We can't get out much because of funds - The whole thing has me anxious, because I feel thing could be the beginning of a new era for us -

Please Help - I hope everyone understands what I'm trying to say, It's hard to say what I feel.

Thanks! - In-Need

**miffed23** · 10-02-2008 04:38 PM

Hallo, and welcome.

Firstly, im sorry to hear about the very difficult times you have had in the past.

Im going to give you my advice from the way that i read your thread (which may mean that im way off mark....) It sounds to me like your wife isnt 100% interested in intercourse, so trying to pleasure her using the g-spot method just isnt going to work unless she is in the 'zone' (so to speak)

For her to achieve a g-spot orgasm, she needs to be completely relaxed, letting go of all her inhibitions and i dont think she can do this without actually wanting to have great sex. So i would suggest tackling this problem first.

Best of luck.

**In-Need** · 10-02-2008 05:10 PM

I appreciate the advise. You are possibly right, I tho't of that before. What I said before about her desire I think it is because of having for so long to be without a lot of sex. and so in her own way she dealt with it and accepted that it may not be any better. When she not exhausted and I can perform to some degree she really trys to enjy it - thanks again, I'll certainly take a harder look at the issue.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-02-2008 06:13 PM

I think Miffed is correct.

You can't turn a tap on and off. You have to leave it running.

If you start asking her to "perform" and "try" she is going to feel like it is just sex.

We are not machines. We don't want "sex" rather to feel sexual with our partner because we want to.

Take that in the right way off course.

So, i think you need to bring the passion back into the relationship, the romance and work only on that, for a while, not the sexual adventure as she is not ready for that, she missed out as you stated, for some time, and as I said, you can't turn it off and on, it's not that simple.

But, being in love with your partner,emotions, hugs, warmth, just showing love, makes a woman "want" to be intimate.

Where that will take her depends on you at that time...

You have to have no inhibitions, be in the zone, desire, lust, want...

CW

**goodnightirene** · 10-02-2008 10:08 PM

I agree with CW. Be in tune to the fact that she's exhausted and provide comfort and intimacy with no expectation of sex. That involves talking to get her talking then listening, without trying to provide solutions to every problem. If you are the source of her comfort instead of one of the sources of her stress she'll be open to the comfort to be found in your body. With no ulterior motive or expectation, try rubbing her feet and her shoulders, eventually you'll get to her G'spot and she'll be pleasantly surprised by your new understanding of female anatomy. Just based on personal experience (25 year marriage), the lack of interest in sex has more to do with resentment and lack of emotional intimacy than exhaustion. It could take some time to break down that wall, and believe me it is a wall, depending on how long its been building. Good luck.

**In-Need** · 10-02-2008 10:45 PM

Thanks *goodnight* That was sweetly put, I really appreciate it, I do. Sometimes I believe we men think have it all figured out, so your advise is well taken, I'm starting to see some light the end of the tunnel, Hope if you will!
In-Need!

**WildChild** · 10-03-2008 07:58 AM

I am your age and have just gotten out of a marriage had some commonalities with your situation. I'm going to be very blunt, because being really nice won't help you. YOU can't just take over her body and give her a g-spot orgasm or any other kind of pleasure without her consent. It won't happen. This won't "fix" her or your relationship. It's not that simple. Women withdraw or shut down when they feel unsupported, unsafe, uncared for, unloved or overwhelmed.

You don't say if she was ever sexually enthusiastic. I think CW said it on another thread, that women aren't like a water tap, they can't just be turned on and off, you have to keep it running. Irene is right, you need to work on establishing intimacy, making her feel cared about and for without sexual expectations. Men and women are different. Sex allows men to feel connected and loving, feeling connected and loved allows women to feel sexual. A happy woman is more likely to feel horny. Right now you are on your agenda. You may think that you are wanting to improve your sex life as a way of improving the relationship for both of you, you may be thinking of your wife. But from her point of view this looks like it's all about you and it just one more expectation put on her for your benefit or she may feel that this is your way of trying to "fix" her. The problem is in the relationship, some counseling would be good idea. You've both been through your health trauma, it has changed you both, in different ways. It may have amplified things that were already there, it certainly created other issues. Your unwillingnees to talk with her indicates communication problems and after years of marriage you should know we women need communication, we need to talk things through.

Get a hold of some of John Grey's Mars and Venus books and start learning how to communicate with her and meet her needs, not what You Think her needs are. If you have insurance it should cover some counseling, otherwise contact your county services. Your statement , "We are supose to have a special night out Fri. and she knows we are planning on love making when we get home so I want it to be very special. " Says it all, "she knows we are planning".... That wording? Sounds like YOU are planning. As long as you are trying to decide what she wants, you are getting nowhere.

This won't be easy, it won't be fast. It will take work, you will have to make some changes and you will have to be consistant and persistant. You can't change her, only she can change herself or decide to respond differently. All you can do is work on yourself, you are the only person you control. Work on you and get some professional help. Severe medical situations always create change, only few of us are able to use it positively without some help.

**WildChild** · 10-03-2008 07:59 AM

Oh, CW said that right here.

**Merry** · 10-03-2008 08:36 AM

Don't ruin a special night by trying to force this issue. Try to make it a romantic evening, fun and as lighthearted as possible. I know men seem to hate this word, but snuggle that night, don't worry about what happens next. It seems like anymore men are just positive that women HAVE to have this really incredible orgasm each time, as many times as possible. Sometimes I feel very tense when I think he is working so hard and is going to be so disappointed if doesn't happen just how HE expects it to. At that point it is really hard to have that incredible orgasm, no matter what.

**In-Need** · 10-03-2008 09:32 AM

I appreciate the advise but I'm beginning to think I misrepresented My wife and I's relationship - We communication with one another is good I believe but on our love making it's different, mainly because of my health. Before I got sick we had a healthy relationship that way. We so have a 2 way street in our house believe me, or I would be more perplexed than I am already.
I was going to thread about this - but just this Morning before she went in to work we were both awake laying there side by side and she let me know she wanted a little love in a gentle way and that was accomplished! Hopefully that will break the Ice for tonight to let her relax and see if I can communicate with her better before going any further Thanks again every body, I'll keep you posted!

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