Emotions stopping the pleasure?

**Heatwave** · 10-28-2008, 06:59 AM

Hi,

I haven't been on here in a while. Last time I did I was stuck up a mountain in Italy saying that I couldn't get enough 'action' so much for the romance language! hehe, I was however, also having a great time with my wonderful boyfriend..

We’re back home in England now, but something was bugging me then and it still is, which is a combination of feeling stressed by hearing about my boyfriends’ past relationships combined with not being able to have an orgasm when we make love. I don’t know whether it’s the lack of release when I’m having sex that’s making me think about his ex’s, or visa versa! I’m in a bit of a chicken – egg conundrum. I think my emotions are getting in the way of me letting go with sex. Regarding his previous relationships, well he’s a great guy and has been quite deeply involved with his ex’s, thus I feel more upset thinking about it than if he was just someone who slept around willy-nilly. It's very special, we live together very harmoniously, but this is bugging me..

It’s soooooo frustrating, I had sex for the first time (some might say) late at 22 (for various reasons) but it was long over-due in terms of my enthusiasm to get going, I think I got so frustrated not getting any sexual satisfaction that it built up, and now that I am ‘getting some’ I can’t get relaxed again, the frustration is still there. Also, due to not having sex I became very comfortable with and used to pleasing myself, suddenly being with someone was like sharing something that was so intimate and personal I’d always seen it as my own thing, almost felt like I was being imposed upon. This means that I can’t please myself WITH him, but instead go to the bathroom to release that sexual tension after sex, what an intimacy killer.

He wants to help but 1. we don’t carry on after he as come, now I’ve heard many women say that they ‘release’ their man early so they can both have sex for longer, sooo basically for a long time, I left him alone after we’d had sex hoping he’d ‘recover’ (as such!) in his own time and be raring to go again, but it doesn’t start up again. 2. he doesn’t play with my clitoris while we have sex, yes I know I can tell him to but somehow it’s not quite the same as just having a guy DO it ya know? !

I guess after all this ranting and raving I just want to say, how do you stop yourself thinking about someone’s ex’s, lovers, the people they were attracted to but didn’t do anything with, the friends they had a sexual attraction to… you see the other day we both agreed that you always have a certain amount of feelings for someone who was once special to you in one way or another. And of course because I care about him and us, that's emotionaly challenging. I'm a messed up mixture of a blubbering, unsatisfied, confused, saucy minx right now, help, and of course: thanks for listening to me blabbing on! Sorry! Feel a bit better now! xx

**WildChild** · 10-28-2008, 10:54 AM

It's difficult sometimes but you have to communicate and do it in a positive way. That means you start the conversation outside the bedroom not in bed. If you have to, write out what you want to say; you need more foreplay, you need him to make your clit his friend. Men are mostly fixers, if you give them a problem, tell them what results you need and give them some tools to work with, they will run with it. But if they don't know it's broke, or understand what you want, they'll just back off.

The ex's are your problem, not his. He's with you, he's pretty much done with them, you aren't. You need to quit hauling them around with you. The older you get the more baggage you and everyone you meet has. Be thankful to the ex's for what good he learned from them and that they let go so he could come into your life. If he was dedicated in those relationships chances are he'll be with you too.

Sex for women is very much in our heads, you have to be able to relax and let go. Ever do any yoga? It's great for learning that.

**Heatwave** · 10-28-2008, 04:29 PM

Thank you, that is really helpful. Some men talk and some don't, by lovely boyfriend is the latter so I just get frustrated but it feels good to blast it out on here! These things really get to me and end up getting in the way, you're advice is great, cheers

10-28-2008, 06:59 AM	#1
Heatwave VIP Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: UK Posts: 59	Emotions stopping the pleasure? Hi, I haven't been on here in a while. Last time I did I was stuck up a mountain in Italy saying that I couldn't get enough 'action' so much for the romance language! hehe, I was however, also having a great time with my wonderful boyfriend.. We’re back home in England now, but something was bugging me then and it still is, which is a combination of feeling stressed by hearing about my boyfriends’ past relationships combined with not being able to have an orgasm when we make love. I don’t know whether it’s the lack of release when I’m having sex that’s making me think about his ex’s, or visa versa! I’m in a bit of a chicken – egg conundrum. I think my emotions are getting in the way of me letting go with sex. Regarding his previous relationships, well he’s a great guy and has been quite deeply involved with his ex’s, thus I feel more upset thinking about it than if he was just someone who slept around willy-nilly. It's very special, we live together very harmoniously, but this is bugging me.. It’s soooooo frustrating, I had sex for the first time (some might say) late at 22 (for various reasons) but it was long over-due in terms of my enthusiasm to get going, I think I got so frustrated not getting any sexual satisfaction that it built up, and now that I am ‘getting some’ I can’t get relaxed again, the frustration is still there. Also, due to not having sex I became very comfortable with and used to pleasing myself, suddenly being with someone was like sharing something that was so intimate and personal I’d always seen it as my own thing, almost felt like I was being imposed upon. This means that I can’t please myself WITH him, but instead go to the bathroom to release that sexual tension after sex, what an intimacy killer. He wants to help but 1. we don’t carry on after he as come, now I’ve heard many women say that they ‘release’ their man early so they can both have sex for longer, sooo basically for a long time, I left him alone after we’d had sex hoping he’d ‘recover’ (as such!) in his own time and be raring to go again, but it doesn’t start up again. 2. he doesn’t play with my clitoris while we have sex, yes I know I can tell him to but somehow it’s not quite the same as just having a guy DO it ya know? ! I guess after all this ranting and raving I just want to say, how do you stop yourself thinking about someone’s ex’s, lovers, the people they were attracted to but didn’t do anything with, the friends they had a sexual attraction to… you see the other day we both agreed that you always have a certain amount of feelings for someone who was once special to you in one way or another. And of course because I care about him and us, that's emotionaly challenging. I'm a messed up mixture of a blubbering, unsatisfied, confused, saucy minx right now, help, and of course: thanks for listening to me blabbing on! Sorry! Feel a bit better now! xx __________________ He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.

10-28-2008, 04:29 PM	#3
Heatwave VIP Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: UK Posts: 59	Thank you, that is really helpful. Some men talk and some don't, by lovely boyfriend is the latter so I just get frustrated but it feels good to blast it out on here! These things really get to me and end up getting in the way, you're advice is great, cheers __________________ He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.

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10-28-2008, 10:54 AM	#2
WildChild WH Moderator Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 8,662 Blog Entries: 6	It's difficult sometimes but you have to communicate and do it in a positive way. That means you start the conversation outside the bedroom not in bed. If you have to, write out what you want to say; you need more foreplay, you need him to make your clit his friend. Men are mostly fixers, if you give them a problem, tell them what results you need and give them some tools to work with, they will run with it. But if they don't know it's broke, or understand what you want, they'll just back off. The ex's are your problem, not his. He's with you, he's pretty much done with them, you aren't. You need to quit hauling them around with you. The older you get the more baggage you and everyone you meet has. Be thankful to the ex's for what good he learned from them and that they let go so he could come into your life. If he was dedicated in those relationships chances are he'll be with you too. Sex for women is very much in our heads, you have to be able to relax and let go. Ever do any yoga? It's great for learning that.