Ok - just found this site and think it might be a great place for me to start. I am 32 and have been married almost a year and 1/2. Hubby is the most wonderful man I have ever known and is truly my soul mate. Our first year was way busy with child custody (his), new job, etc. We really have not had time to focus on us. First problem is the sex part. While dating it was great and often (every time we saw each other)...he has always been able to please me which is a first for me as my experiences prior had been with very selfish men who never took the time. Until him sex was not that great nor did I ever feel it was about me and I could really live without it. I never expected to enjoy it with a partner and just took care of myself.

Last relationship prior to hubby (over 5 years ago) I was with a real that was older who at first asked alot of embarassing, personal questions but who I tried to be very honest with b/c he seemed to want to know in order to make things great between us and since he was older I figured wiser and lets be adult b/c up 'til then I had really dated boys, etc...wrong! He took my sharing about my history and my lack of enjoyment in the past as I didn't like sex and never would and used that as his excuse to be selfish and say that it wasn't for me b/c I didn't like it and used to say stuff like "let me throw it in real quick" and then expect me to just lay down and let him do his thing... not! He would make me go get pron and then watch it with him while he would say there you need to do it like that...what? Porn is not reality...its porn and not what I envision for what sex should be...WAY turn off and the whole thing still haunts me. He used to tell my about his exs and how great they were and ask why I couldn't be like them and I am still pissed at myself for not walking the first time he belittled me and for staying through all the **** that truly was the worst relationship of my life. I know that this experience is part of the problem now as far as my ability to share, etc. and that makes it worse b/c I feel like such a fool for letting that jacka** have any affect on my marriage! I do know that he was very selfish and insecurity which is why he treated me like he did but it still doesn't make it any easier to forgive myself for allowing it to happen.

Regardless of all that I am now with a wonderful man and for me the sex has been great! Over the last year my interest has declined though and it has caused some issues with us recently. I have a very hard time telling him what I want sexually. I am embarassed to talk about it, tell him what I want and like, I have dificulty being the instigator of sex, I can't masterbate in front of him, etc. We have toys and I am really trying to be more free if you want to call it that. I have read many of the other posts here and know that my sex drive decline is normal but as a newlywed I expect it to be way higher...if we were married for 10+ years I could understand but this is still new and is supposed to be exciting! I didn't think of it as a decline but as I read here, I think that might be part of the problem that is compounded by my inability to talk to him about it, ask him for sex, etc. He feels like if he didn't instigate it that it would never happen and he is frustrated by that. As far as the drive part I have my yearly appt next week so I will definately be bringing that up! I want to want sex as much as he does and can't understand why I don't, but even though he says its not, I do feel like it is MY problem that I can't talk to him about it and express myself better.

My husband is so loving and supportive and refuses to make this my problem and says its not really a problem but something that he wants to work on as partners. He won't let me put it all on my shoulders and take on the burden of lack of sex in our marriage in addition to everything else I take on daily (which I don't feel like I'm taking on its just part of being a wife). But, he doesn't know how to help me trust him, etc. and I really feel like in the sex and communication departments I am failing as a wife after only 1 year! I know that I do trust him b/c I am actually able to let go with him and relax and have an orgazm which I haven't ever been able to do before so I know at least that is good. Next problem is that lately his facination with my butt is freaking me out and it makes me really tense during sex and I find myself avoiding it all together, which makes all the above even worse. He is totally a butt guy (as opposed to a boob guy or whatever) and he has been exploring near the area which I am not comfortable with. I know he is just trying to please me but we haven't talked about going this route and I really don't want to. Sometimes it is hard to tell what all he his doing b/c the clit stimulation is so overpowering and I have to tell myself to relax and that he isn't going to do anything I don't want him to and to not worry about it. The other night he went as far as to put his finger in my bottom though, which totally freaked me out but it was in the heat of it all and there was no stopping to say "excuse me, what are you doing?". After, I thought to myself, did that really happen? I couldn't figure out if I was mad about it, if I should say anything (super hard for me to do anyways), don't know if he is trying to turn me on or himself, etc.... I have yet to bring it up and of course don't know how since it is so uncomfortable for me to talk about sex anyways.

I guess my questions are these:

How do you learn to be good at sex? How do you learn to talk about it freely with your partner? I know you aren't just born being good at this stuff and although I have always felt like a prude anyways I love this man and want to be open with him about everything.

As far as the anal thing goes, am I a horrible wife if I tell him that will never happen? Part of me is afraid (again from conversations in the past with the mentioned above) that it is my wifely duty to do what he wants sexually and that if I don't he will eventually go somewhere else (my own fears and insecurities I know but the thoughts are still there in the back of my mind). What if I do go that route and hate it and he loves it and it ruins sex for us forever?

Is all this normal marriage stuff that comes with learning to be partners and share everything with each other? Does the communication come with time? Are we putting way to much expectation on a brand new marriage and should we just relax and give it time or do we need to go get some counseling?

Sorry this is so long but I really could use some advice...good or bad!

Thanks ladies...

Reading your story was like reading the story of my life. I had the exact thing happen to me, but twice! My confidence was shot for a long time. Because of that, I am having a hard time letting go of the past and it's affecting my current marriage. My husband is a wonderful man, who is also very patient and supportive. We have been married for 2 months and I have already experienced a life I thought I would never have. I am starting to feel a whole lot more confident in myself because of him. We have very open communication about everything. He's my best friend. If you were to take advise from me, it would be to try talking about it. Some things are very hard. At one point, I was feeling so insecure I had checked his phone for recent calls. I felt so guilty about it, but had to tell him. That was very hard, but it helped me trust him more. He was open to my feelings and we talked it through. He is very reassuring. As far as sex goes I was uncomfortable at first also. However, talking to him about what I like and don't like brought us closer together. You would be suprised at how 'good' you could be if you know what he likes and what you like. As far as the anal thing... tried it in the past... don't recomend it. But that's a personal preference. The greatest thing about our sexual relationship is that most of the time, it's more love making than just sex. It's physical communication to express our deepest feelings for each other. It's amazing for both of us. Of course there are those times where it's just physical and those are the fun times. I will leave you with my advice again.... TALK. Don't ever lose that communication.