imported_dh0529

Ok - just found this site and think it might be a great place for me to start. I am 32 and have been married almost a year and 1/2. Hubby is the most wonderful man I have ever known and is truly my soul mate. Our first year was way busy with child custody (his), new job, etc. We really have not had time to focus on us. First problem is the sex part. While dating it was great and often (every time we saw each other)...he has always been able to please me which is a first for me as my experiences prior had been with very selfish men who never took the time. Until him sex was not that great nor did I ever feel it was about me and I could really live without it. I never expected to enjoy it with a partner and just took care of myself.

Last relationship prior to hubby (over 5 years ago) I was with a real that was older who at first asked alot of embarassing, personal questions but who I tried to be very honest with b/c he seemed to want to know in order to make things great between us and since he was older I figured wiser and lets be adult b/c up 'til then I had really dated boys, etc...wrong! He took my sharing about my history and my lack of enjoyment in the past as I didn't like sex and never would and used that as his excuse to be selfish and say that it wasn't for me b/c I didn't like it and used to say stuff like "let me throw it in real quick" and then expect me to just lay down and let him do his thing... not! He would make me go get pron and then watch it with him while he would say there you need to do it like that...what? Porn is not reality...its porn and not what I envision for what sex should be...WAY turn off and the whole thing still haunts me. He used to tell my about his exs and how great they were and ask why I couldn't be like them and I am still pissed at myself for not walking the first time he belittled me and for staying through all the **** that truly was the worst relationship of my life. I know that this experience is part of the problem now as far as my ability to share, etc. and that makes it worse b/c I feel like such a fool for letting that jacka** have any affect on my marriage! I do know that he was very selfish and insecurity which is why he treated me like he did but it still doesn't make it any easier to forgive myself for allowing it to happen.

Regardless of all that I am now with a wonderful man and for me the sex has been great! Over the last year my interest has declined though and it has caused some issues with us recently. I have a very hard time telling him what I want sexually. I am embarassed to talk about it, tell him what I want and like, I have dificulty being the instigator of sex, I can't masterbate in front of him, etc. We have toys and I am really trying to be more free if you want to call it that. I have read many of the other posts here and know that my sex drive decline is normal but as a newlywed I expect it to be way higher...if we were married for 10+ years I could understand but this is still new and is supposed to be exciting! I didn't think of it as a decline but as I read here, I think that might be part of the problem that is compounded by my inability to talk to him about it, ask him for sex, etc. He feels like if he didn't instigate it that it would never happen and he is frustrated by that. As far as the drive part I have my yearly appt next week so I will definately be bringing that up! I want to want sex as much as he does and can't understand why I don't, but even though he says its not, I do feel like it is MY problem that I can't talk to him about it and express myself better.

My husband is so loving and supportive and refuses to make this my problem and says its not really a problem but something that he wants to work on as partners. He won't let me put it all on my shoulders and take on the burden of lack of sex in our marriage in addition to everything else I take on daily (which I don't feel like I'm taking on its just part of being a wife). But, he doesn't know how to help me trust him, etc. and I really feel like in the sex and communication departments I am failing as a wife after only 1 year! I know that I do trust him b/c I am actually able to let go with him and relax and have an orgazm which I haven't ever been able to do before so I know at least that is good. Next problem is that lately his facination with my butt is freaking me out and it makes me really tense during sex and I find myself avoiding it all together, which makes all the above even worse. He is totally a butt guy (as opposed to a boob guy or whatever) and he has been exploring near the area which I am not comfortable with. I know he is just trying to please me but we haven't talked about going this route and I really don't want to. Sometimes it is hard to tell what all he his doing b/c the clit stimulation is so overpowering and I have to tell myself to relax and that he isn't going to do anything I don't want him to and to not worry about it. The other night he went as far as to put his finger in my bottom though, which totally freaked me out but it was in the heat of it all and there was no stopping to say "excuse me, what are you doing?". After, I thought to myself, did that really happen? I couldn't figure out if I was mad about it, if I should say anything (super hard for me to do anyways), don't know if he is trying to turn me on or himself, etc.... I have yet to bring it up and of course don't know how since it is so uncomfortable for me to talk about sex anyways.

I guess my questions are these:

How do you learn to be good at sex? How do you learn to talk about it freely with your partner? I know you aren't just born being good at this stuff and although I have always felt like a prude anyways I love this man and want to be open with him about everything.

As far as the anal thing goes, am I a horrible wife if I tell him that will never happen? Part of me is afraid (again from conversations in the past with the mentioned above) that it is my wifely duty to do what he wants sexually and that if I don't he will eventually go somewhere else (my own fears and insecurities I know but the thoughts are still there in the back of my mind). What if I do go that route and hate it and he loves it and it ruins sex for us forever?

Is all this normal marriage stuff that comes with learning to be partners and share everything with each other? Does the communication come with time? Are we putting way to much expectation on a brand new marriage and should we just relax and give it time or do we need to go get some counseling?

Sorry this is so long but I really could use some advice...good or bad!

Thanks ladies...

AFemaleProdigy

First of all, we both know that the guy before your husband was a selfish ******* and doesn't deserve to ever get laid. You should have slapped him in the face and told him to go to the first time he disrespected you and been done with him. Lesson learned though, right? Since we know what he did was wrong, then you need to forget it and let it go. I know that is a hard thing to do, but you really need to work on that and tell yourself that not every man is like that.

It sounds to me like you have a caring and concerned husband who has his head on straight. It is a very good thing that he wants work with you to make things better. That is so important! Take advantage of that while you have it because it's hard to find in men.

You clearly are aware of the problems and what changes need to be made. Recognizing that there are problems that need to be addressed is the first step to getting on the right path. Learning to open up and communicate with your partner is usually hard for most people and definately takes time. Your first step would be to let him know that you are aware of the problem with the open communication and the loss of sex drive. Then tell him that you are working on opening up to him to make things better, but you need to do that at your own pace and he needs to be patient with you. Prepare yourself to have a talk with him at least once a week where you will tell him a little bit about how you are feeling. It doesn't have to be a lot, just whatever you are comfortable with. It might be easier for you to start out by writing letters to him. That way you don't feel as confronted about what you are saying. Don't be afraid to tell him how you really feel about things. If he truly is a good guy and loves you, then he will understand and want to help make things better for you. Don't be afraid to get a bad response out of this because if you do get a negative response, then there is something wrong with him... NOT YOU. If that were to happen, you should re-evaluate your relationship. If you start to feel uncomfortable about your conversation, just let him know that you want to finish the conversation later when you are ready. Tell him like it is and don't feel guilty about it. Men need to be told exactly what we want out of them. They are no good at reading our minds. Haha. Communication is the most important thing in relationships. The only way to make it better is to force yourself to talk about things. Over time, you will get comfortable with it and the fear will subside. Remember to talk about these things when you are NOT about to or have just had sex. Always have your discussions when neither of you are thinking about being intimate.

Don't feel alone in this. I too am working on opening up to my husband and it's been a long and difficult road working up to that. I have an anxiety problem which makes it VERY hard to talk to other people about things. I can honestly tell you that once I started to MAKE myself open up a little at a time, I started to feel more comfortable about it and I felt closer then ever to my husband. His reactions were also suprisingly helpful and reassuring. In turn, I have noticed that he is opening up to me as well. So it's a good thing all around.

I just have to say that porn does not have to be a bad thing. In fact, porn is probably closer to real life then a lot of people realize. Minus the huge orgie videos and over the top ones. But the good one on one videos can be very helpful learning tools. I think the key is to keep an open mind. Don't go into it with the feeling that it is gross or crazy. Really pay attention and ask yourself if the things they are doing might feel good to you. Really put some thought into it. Watching porn with your husband might make you uncomfortable at first and therfor difficult to really relax and analyze the situation. So you might try to find some private time to watch some videos by yourself. They are excellent tools for learning new things and spicing up your sex life.

Keep a positive attitude about things. Even when times are hard. The biggest libido killer is stress and negative feelings. The fact that you are stressing about all these things will ruin your sex drive. Just accept that some things need worked on, but tell yourself it's not the end of the world and you can make it better. It just takes some time. You MUST think positive! It will help your libido come back. Focus on the positive things in your life!

As you open up to your husband, the two of you should talk about the things you both would like to try/experiment with. Ask him if he is wanting to try anal sex. Try not to be embarrassed to ask. There is nothing wrong with asking or even having anal sex. He will probably say yes. Let him know your feelings about it and that you are unsure about it. Anal sex is not something that everyone likes and he should know that. Even if you were to try it and you didn't like it, he should not be suprised, angry, nor hold that against you. Anal sex can be very pleasurable, but it has be done the right way. For some women it is just too painful and that is due in part to the size of the man's penis of course. He should realize that too and not be suprised if you tell him to stop. The most important key to good anal sex is to have lots of lubrication and SLOWLY... and I mean SLOWLY... work into it. Start with the fingers. Add a new finger a little at a time. That area has to be stretched and prepared just the same as when a virgin has vaginal sex for the first time. You may have to make several attempts on several different occassions until it is stretched enough that the penis can fit comfortably. Do not try to do it if you are not feeling comfortable about it. You have to be in the right state of mind to enjoy that. Envision it as a pleasurable thing and set aside all those negative feelings. If you just can't shake those negative feelings and are still totally against it, then don't try it at all because you probably won't get past the stretching it out part. You should tell him that you are unsure about if you like it or not and that for the time being, he can only touch it and caress it. Tell him not to penetrate it until you are comfortable with that. You will most likely find that even just lightly touching that area while having sex will feel very good.

Also, you are not a horrible wife if you never have anal sex. Just because you are married, that does not mean you are to be subjected to things that make you uncomfortable. He should be understanding and respectful of your feelings. As your husband, he should not try to push ANYTHING on you and he should not make you feel guilty about it. Anal sex is very different from vaginal sex and can sometimes involve a lot of pain for the women. All men should know this and be respectful of the woman's wishes. So do NOT feel guilty about your decision to have or not have anal sex.

I hope this helps you. Sorry for the delayed response by the way.

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~Jessica