Dave

hey all,

So first off i must come clean... im a guy... sorry for using this forum, i know its for women... but i really need advice. So my story is such... I am a virgin, by choice i have abstained but now i am dating a girl who has confessed to being sexually involved with six men. She is twenty years old. We were both raised under the same religious views of abstanance, but she didnt hold to them. I must state upfront i do not look down on her for having sex. My problem is that i have always hoped for marrying a girl who had saved herself like i have. i know that most people are saying at this point, then just stop dating her and move on to another virgin. Problem is... i love her. i try to bottle up the thought of her being with another guy, but it always comes back up. When i think about it, it hurts. I almost get sick. She claims she did it for attention, and doesnt really remember any specifics now...

My question for you, the viewers is this... i am sure a few of you have been/are in this situation... Can I overcome this, or is it going to be something that will haunt our lives? I wont allow myself to have sex with her before marriage, but after we do have sex, will i always be thinking in the back of my mind, is she comparing me? am i good? has she had bigger? etc...

I want this to work out... but i need your advice. I know that now a days sex is normal, but it has been something i have held as special for my future wife... now that my possible wife has been with six men in the past four years it just makes me feel cheated and i want to get your oppinions. Has anyone been in this situation? i appreciate your advice,

Dave,

WildChild

Dave, Having dealt with this in some form more than once, I'd say do both of you a favor and move on. She is who and what she is and you cannot accept that easily and it is obviously an issue for you. She doesn't need the attack on her sense of self or to be judged based on her past. Either you take someone as they are now with their past simply as part of what got them there or you let go.

silvertae

I agree with WildChild.

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Well some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I can not disagree. But I never learned nothing from playing it safe; I say fate should not tempt me. I take my chances.

anonymouswhitefemale

The chances are, since you have differing opinions on this, there will be other similar areas in which you disagree. Personally, I think she's done a good job of trying to wriggle free of the religious shackles she has been burdened with, only to be walking into a relationship with a conservative, stuck-in-his-ways guy who is going to punish her for the life choices she made.

I think you're position is very immature, and that you need to grow up -

Dave

wow... Stuck in my ways... I actually think I'm far from that considering the fact that we are dating. Like I said before I do not judge her for her past a lot of my friends are in her same shoes. I'm dating her because I don't want her past to be the reason things don't work out and the reason for my inquiry is that I don't understand the mental side of this dilema. Will this go away eventually or not? I am conservative... But don't you wish more guys were like me? I guess I could become as sex crazed and inconsiderate as the rest. Anyways if anyone has advice pertaining to my qoustion and not my life style please, I would really appreciate it

silvertae

The questions you anticipate coming to mind when you finally have sex are about problems that could honestly arise whether she'd ever been with anyone else or not. Let's say she never had sex with anyone else and you were the first and only. That doesn't AT ALL guarantee that the sex will automatically be good with you or that you will be "big enough" to satisfy her (which ties into a whole other debate about whether size matters). Whether she had been with anyone else or not, she could still feel unsatisfied in bed. And so could you! You could still find yourself in a situation where the two of you just don't mesh well together either physically or in your sexual tastes and desires.

This is why people should have sex before marriage (in my opinion). Sex is a huge part of a relationship and if things aren't going well in that department it's going to cause strain in your relationship. You can have all these ideas in your head about what you think you'll like sexually, but once you actually try it you could completely change your mind. And when one partner changes their mind or discovers they hate or love something opposite of what you may have discussed originally...well that can be a deal-breaker for some people.

Anyway, sex is what you choose to make it. If you choose to feel "cheated" by her being with other men, well, that's your CHOICE and you can let it eat you up. OR you can think about how (hopefully) the sex she has with you will have a higher chance of being better than her previous encounters because you two are emotionally invested in each other, care about one another, care about mutual satisfaction, and have years ahead of you to explore things. It's all in how you think about it. If you cannot wrap your head around that and GENUINELY change your feelings on this then you just shouldn't be with her. And when/if things don't turn out perfectly when you finally have sex, you are, under no circumstances, allowed to blame it on her past experiences or proceed to quiz her about those guys and the differences between you and them. The task of improving your sex life will be STRICTLY about what each of you can do for the other. If she suggests you do a particular thing, you're not allowed to say "Oh...is that what one of those other guys did?" or anything of the sort.

__________________
Well some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I can not disagree. But I never learned nothing from playing it safe; I say fate should not tempt me. I take my chances.

SinisterUrge

It will, most likely, haunt YOUR life. Your friend seems perfectly fine with it. (unless she would like to chime in at some point with her opinion).
Yes, she probably will compare you (not trying to be mean, but comparisons are a big part of how the brain functions). She may or may not have had "bigger", but the size of your erection is not an absolute ruler of your sexual prowess (assuming you're average, if your too small or two large then its likely to cause discomfort and limit your sex). If you want to be a good lover, then work on being a skilled lover; there are many many books and videos on almost every possible sexual field-of-study (forplay, dirty talk, kissing, intercourse, toys, S&M, threesomes, etc etc etc), rent or buy some DVDs, learn how to "read" your partners body language and discuss what you'd like, what you think you'd like, and what you think you won't like.

But anyway, for some highlights of my opinion:

*You have serious self-esteem issues related directly to your lack of sexual experience. This is normal for virgin men and you should grow out of it as you become a well developed sexual person (no guarantee however, some guys just stay obsessed with the size of their junk.... you get what you get, learn to use what you have).

*Your girlfriend, clearly, does not share your religious beliefs. Is that gonna be a problem?

*Women are not bars of soap. They do not reduce to foam if they sleep around. Your girlfriend is, if anything, a better lover (unless she had the 6 worst possible boyfriends before you) than she would have been when she was a virgin. This is a very good thing IMHO.

Tarzan31

I couldn't have said it better myself.

sTyLeRock

Hey Mate,

I'm where you are right now, but 6 guys at age of 20? i reckon that isn't bad, as i am with i believe a possible future wife now and she is 19 and been with over 33+ people,

You say you don't understand why you feel like this, thats simple. it's not a logical thing its an emotional thing and fighting emotion with logic doesn't work to often.


It's hard to say if u'll ever get over it, as i am not over it and well it definatly f*ck u up if your not strong enough.
and well i am still wondering if i am strong enough.

But the past cannot be changed, and even though it feels like she did these "To You" she was not with you when this happend.

There are many techniques i have tried like EFT, Hypnisis and Morale They helped to a degree but it never goes away because it goes against your personal beliefs.

some feelings which u might be able to relate to and some you may not since you are not sexually active with her,

You feel cheated by her because she didn't save herself for you?
Do you feel that she can ever love you as much as you love her?
Do you feel disgusted/sick that she shared the most intimate and beautiful part of herself with other people?
Do you feel that she has no respect for sex?
Do you feel that she views sex differently then you do?
Do you feel that you have to forgive her for her past?
Do you feel that you have to forgive yourself for being with someone who has done what she has done?

Trying to pinpoint the exact negative things that are making you feel like this does help,

Do you find yourself just thinking about this all the time and everyday? one thing i would recommend not doing is playing movies in your head as that messed with me for a while.

Please add me on msn if you'd like to chat further as i'll be more then happy to help you with through this

MSN: Stylerock818hotmail.com

However there is no answer that you will find online as i have heard it all and still feel the muck and heavyness on my chest.

-Daniel

sourpuss

I agree with wildchild.

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Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard.

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