Thread: My wife caught me masturbating and can't handle it.

Originally Posted by WildChild

Ok Computer Guy, personally I don't see what all the fuss is over the porn or the masterbating but the woman you chose to spend your life with has a problem with it and the two have a very low function sex life. Those are problems. First off try a change in vocab, self pleasuring rather than masterbation is what she needs to learn. If she can't get herself off, then she is dumping full responsibility for her pleasure on you and that's not right. By not wanting you to have, or wanting to control your self pleasure, she is taking responsibility for your pleasure away from you. This doesn't sound like a winning deal for anyone. Your sex life should be about both you sharing and giving pleasure. That obviously isn't happening. If it was you'd be having having a lot more sex.

What is sex like when you do have it? Is it holidays and your Bday? Is there a romantic build up or is it something obligatory and just get over with? Does she orgasm? Do you ask her what she wants, what feels good? Does she ask you? Does she ever initiate?

Now back to her learning self pleasure, why not treat her to a spa day? A massage, time in the sauna? If your budget can stand it, make it a regular event, whether weekly, monthly, bi-monthly. How about the occasional couples spa time? Indulge both of you. Read up on it, get all the stuff together and tell her you're going to give her a foot massage and pedicure. Massage her scalp and neck. Now, here's the trick dealing with a woman who is shut down or not sexually/sensually in tune with herself, Do All of this WITHOUT ANY expectation of sex. Do it just to connect with her, to pleasure her, to find pleasure yourself in pleasing her. Help her connect with her sensual side.

What's your bedroom look like? Is it a mess? Functional? It should be a retreat, and place for unwinding, sleep and sex and nothing else. Lighting that can be adjusted to a candlelike glow, nice quality sheets, comfy, fluffy pillows and comforter, a small CD player for mood music. Work on it, bring it into a more sensual state.

Get yourself some reading material, I'd suggest Drs Vera and Steve Bodansky's books and see what you can find on giving women oral. Educate yourself, no matter how good you think you are, you can get better. When the time is appropriate ask if you can pleasure her. If you are using your hands, be sure you've invested in some good lube, ask lots of questions in a gentle way as you are exploring. Does that feel good? What bout touching here? If she isn't responding, gently move her hand in yours and ask her to show you, if she isn't comfortable touching herself, have her guide your hand to touch her. This isn't going to be a fast thing. You'll have to have patience but then you've been patiently not have sex with anyone but you so you should be able to handle it.

Now the nonporographic porn, you want erotica, sometimes thought of as 'women's' porn. It's more romantic, misty, more left to the imagination kind of stuff and there is an increasing amount of it available. I'll bet some online research, another thread here, a trip to the local adult film and book store or even a good sized video store will find you some. You may find some misty, romantic stuff your wife would enjoy and some that's a bit more erotic that you might find will do the job and she may even find acceptable. Perhaps you will find a happy middle ground that may help put her in the mood or give you some ideas?

Good luck with this! Keep us posted

Most helpful post of the whole thread! TAKE THIS ADVICE, COMPUTERINFO! She still may not like porn (if it's called "erotica"), but everything else is totally spot on. You have to make her feel special before she'll be able to get over this.

Originally Posted by silvertae

I think some of the women are being a bit hypocritical here. I mean, come on, my boyfriend is just plain NOT as hot as Daniel Craig. Knowing this to be true doesn't change the fact that I think my bf's sexy and hot anyway. No, I wouldn't TELL my bf that Daniel Craig's hotter. That would be unkind. I know there's hotter women out there than me, but he assures me I'm beautiful and only has sex with me. That's satisfactory for me. I think it's wise to keep assurances up between partners that you each think the other is the hottest thing ever. But don't pretend that there's never gonna be someone hotter that you might fantasize about or look at pictures of. That's just plain denial and delusion right there in my opinion.
That said, I do think the OP should follow some of the other advice about doing something nice for the wife and assuaging her fears anyway. I'd completely lay off arguing with her about this and just let it go for a few months. Work on showing your devotion to her and improving your overall relationship.

Thank you for keeping it real. I was a little hurt by the post before yours. I am really trying to do the right thing and the more I read here the more normal I feel I am.

I thought I was very clear when I said "my wife is beautiful and even more beautiful to me"

I understand that my wife is completely anti porn and thus I will have to let it go. Unfortunately, this will just be something that we will be able to share together. I chose her 10 years ago and have no regrets. I just hope she can put her anger aside and understand that even though she is not into porn that it is OKAY that I am/was enjoying it.

Originally Posted by ChelseaRenee

Most helpful post of the whole thread! TAKE THIS ADVICE, COMPUTERINFO!

And here's the second most helpful post in this thread.

Kick her butt out and find someone else. I mean, really, she's got problems to quite a deep level.

The other option is to make her read this thread, then she might realise that she's acting like a spoilt child.

i know you think your wife is beautiful and you're glad you chose her, i hope you tell her that often, how amazing she is and how much you love her. although i dont have a problem with porn. i did until two years ago have a virtually sexless marriage and i didnt enjoy sex. i had my first orgasm late last year. my husband criticised everything i did and was never positive. he was also (i can se now) not a great lover. he would come home drunk, wake me up and want sex. there was no foreplay, romance or fun. sex was just something i submitted to and quite often it was painful, so i avoided it. i would have been happy never to have sex again. he told me there was something wrong with me, as i couldnt enjoy sex.

i am not saying this is the case in your situation, this is my history - i hope it helps. when i met my new man, things changed. i also read a great book "becoming orgasmic" with also assisted me.

Originally Posted by silvertae

I think some of the women are being a bit hypocritical here. I mean, come on, my boyfriend is just plain NOT as hot as Daniel Craig. Knowing this to be true doesn't change the fact that I think my bf's sexy and hot anyway. No, I wouldn't TELL my bf that Daniel Craig's hotter. That would be unkind. I know there's hotter women out there than me, but he assures me I'm beautiful and only has sex with me. That's satisfactory for me.

There's a difference. When my wife admires Daniel Craig, what she's responding to is how fit he is, and how he projects an image of confident masculinity. The fact that he gets to play a strong "Alpha Male" character who can kill people with impunity is a plus, of course (every guy has wanted that at least once or twice). There's nothing wrong with a wife encouraging her hubby to hit the gym, and maybe remember the old days, when he still found it necessary to make an effort to win her over...

When a man looks at pornography, it's a bit more complicated. There are exceptions, but for the most part, what the man's doing is consuming a pre-manufactured fantasy, in which the woman is always available and always ready to fulfill his needs. The fact that she also has the body of a 20-year-old girl is almost beside the point. This is destructive because it trivializes the true nature of female sexuality. It discourages the man from making the effort to understand what's really going on, the desires and fantasies that fuel the female side of the equation.

Unless the man has made a sincere effort to understand his wife's needs, and create a shared space where both partners can explore and share themselves on that intimate level, he hasn't earned the right to look at porn. If all he's doing is escaping into it, he's not living up to his duty as a husband.