Thread: My girlfriend doesn't masturbate.

Hi ladies, I just read a thread about a guy with a girlfriend that masturbates even though they have sex about 5 times a week. I have the opposite problem and need some advice.

Here's my story. I'm 28, my girl is 23, and we've been together for three years. I love her more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but our sex life is lacking. She thinks everything is just fine, and is apparently satisfied, but I'm not. I don't tell her this, but I've had a much more satisfying sex life with past girlfriends. The biggest problem for me is that the sex is very inconsistant and we only do it about 2 - 3 times per week (about half what I prefer). Since the beginning, she has always wanted it less than me, and because I love her I've adapted, though I've always hoped that she would start to want it more (hasn't happened). On top of this, she is by far the most difficult woman to please that I've ever been with. I'd say my success rate is about 50/50. And of course this kills my ego and crushes my confidence. This sucks because she is also by far the most gorgeous woman I've ever been with and I absolutely love being sexual with her. What's confusing to me is that sometimes she comes within the first 5 - 10 minutes, and then other times she doesn't even seem to get close. I try to do all the things that are recommended to get your lady in the mood (I also do these thing because I love her). I cook, clean, rub her back, massage her feet, give her lots of love, buy her little gifts, hold her hand, cuddle, tell her daily that she is drop dead gorgeous, light a candle in the bedroom, go down on her, etc. There is no lack of effort on my part, but if you think there is still something more I can do let me know.

I understand that a girl can enjoy sex even if she doesn't climax, but it bothers me that she doesn't always get hers because I know she won't give herself one. My girlfriend NEVER masturbates! I know some of you will say or at least think that she does but won't admit to it, but I'm telling you she honestly does not ever masturbate. I've tried to talk to her about it but she gets EXTREMELY upset. She does not want to masturbate, and I can't figure out why. I think that she needs to learn to masturbate so she can more fully understand her sexuality and what pleases her. Sometimes when we are fooling around, I can tell she's not super turned on, so I'll ask what I can do. But she never has an answer for me. I think this is because she doesn't know how to pleasure herself. So in the end the only person responsible for getting her off is me! Honestly, that is a burden that I do not want and I think its unfair. I've tried to talk to her about masturbating and exploring, so we can have a more open sex life, but she shuts me down every time. Is it normal for a woman to object this strongly to masturbating? I'm worried that maybe there was some kind of sexual abuse when she was younger, but I can't ask that. Should we see a sex therapist?

Help! Thanks!

thanks for the feedback, but it didn't really answer my question. I don't ask her every time whether or not she came, because I know when she doesn't, and I've read enough magazines to know that girls hate to be asked that question. I do my best, and if she doesn't come then she doesn't come. We don't always just have sex and we try new things. I'm very very open to oral and love giving it to her, but she doesn't always want it. I can try the magic wand, but in general she is opposed to using toys during sex and this seems to be related to her opposition to masturbation as well. She won't talk to me if there is a problem because she doesn't recognize that there is a problem. Of course this means that its only my opinion that there is one, which sucks. I don't think that there is anything wrong with her, and I don't want her to think that either. I'm just trying to expand her sexuality. I'm ok with her not always being turned on by me but what about her fantasizing about somebody else? Isn't that what women do when masturbating? Is it not healthy for woman to masturbate?? If you're wondering why I care so much its because when the girl I'm with doesn't reach orgasm neither do I! Yes I ejaculate, but I don't orgasm. So really, neither of us get off and in my view it shouldn't be like this.

If a woman had never experienced a mind blowing orgasm and didn't know that they exited would she ever complain? no, of course not. If my girlfriend thinks that everything is fine then she's not going to complain either. But I know from experience that the sex and the sexual energy that two people share can be stronger than what I'm experiencing. And the girls I've been with that had the most intense orgasms (which also translated into more intense ones for me) were very open to sex, fantasies, and masturbation. so in my mind I read this as girls who masturbate have more intense orgasms. But I'm not sure how true this is. I don't want to back up and just enjoy what I have because I know that it can be better. My girlfriend seems to have a fundamental objection to masturbation that I don't understand.

Now that I've read your other thread, it seems you just have differing opinions on sex and it's not something you'll be able to change in her. She isn't defective, she's just not a very sexual person.
If she's happy like she is, why would you want to change her? There are many women in the world with higher sex drives and a higher regard for sex in general with whom it seems you would be much happier. Really, your choices are:
1. Continue to suffer (as it seems you're doing) with your girlfriend's low sex drive that is unlikely to change
2. Accept that low sex drive and move on from the issue. After all, there are many mismatched couples, even on this board, in which one member would give anything for 2-3 times a week.
3. End the relationship. You both have a right to be happy, and if you're not, it's bound to rub off on the relationship as a whole.

Originally Posted by Little

Now that I've read your other thread, it seems you just have differing opinions on sex and it's not something you'll be able to change in her. She isn't defective, she's just not a very sexual person.
If she's happy like she is, why would you want to change her? There are many women in the world with higher sex drives and a higher regard for sex in general with whom it seems you would be much happier. Really, your choices are:
1. Continue to suffer (as it seems you're doing) with your girlfriend's low sex drive that is unlikely to change
2. Accept that low sex drive and move on from the issue. After all, there are many mismatched couples, even on this board, in which one member would give anything for 2-3 times a week.
3. End the relationship. You both have a right to be happy, and if you're not, it's bound to rub off on the relationship as a whole.

So in your opinion my options are to suffer, accept it, or end it? That's a very defeatist attitude and has never been part of my personality. Maybe getting her to masturbate isn't the answer, but there must be a way to further encourage her sexuality. I don't care if she maturbates or not, but I was looking for a girls opinion as to whether in general girls that masturbate enjoy sex more or have higher sex drives. The causal relationship is unclear to me. Do girls with high sex drive masturbate more, or do girls that masturbate have a higher sex drive? I don't know. For me, and I'm a guy, the more I masturbate, the more I think about sex, and the more I want it. So effectively it Increases my sex drive. I have much faith in my girlfriends sexuality. She is not completely sexually inept. We frequently have increadible sex and she has an amazing body. But she is young, 23, and I don't think she has fully blossomed sexually. I understand it will happen with time, but some things don't happen if you don't explore. She argues that none of her friends that are in relationships maturbate. Maybe this is generally true for woman. I don't know.