Forum:

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: My wife's masturbating

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    8

    Default My wife's masturbating


    Hi eveyone, first post here. I have been to the forum and read a lot but finally decided to register because I wanted to get some other female opinions. With that said any feedback is much appreciated.

    I have been with my wife for 10 years and married for 7. I am 37 and she is 35. When we first got married we used to have sex every day or every other day. As time has gone on, she has told me her sex drive has decreased. While not easy to accept, I can understand this and I have done my best to respect it. Basically, it has come down to the fact that she does not want to do it more than once every three days. If I ask on a second day, even once in a while (like once every 2-3 months) it becomes a MAJOR issue, so I pretty much never ask anymore on a 2nd day and often times I give it 4 or 5 days.

    Anyhow, I caught her masturbating the other night and I suspected that she had 2 nights earlier as well, so I asked her about it. She admited that this was the case. Obviously, I was disappointed especially in light of the hard line she has taken with the 'schedule' in the past. So then I asked her how often this occurs and she told me maybe once a week. When she told me this I was shocked. I feel completely duped and really angry about it. Here, I was doing my best to respect here boundaries just to come to find out this is not a sex drive issue.

    My wife's excuse is that she does not consider it sexual and that she does it to sleep. She also said that she told me this because she did not want to hurt me and that the truth is that she does not want to have sex with me more often. I am sure that masturbation can help in sleeping sometimes, but firstly, my wife does not have problems getting to sleep, she sometimes has problems staying asleep, so it this were a middle of the night thing it would make more sense. That was not the case here, she went to bed early on both occasions and she is taking Valium for a stiff neck which also knocks her out.

    I don't know what to say besides that it really hurts to be lied to especially when you are trying to be accommodating based on the lie.

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    22,104
    Blog Entries
    13

    Default

    I think that you feel hurt because she won't have sex on "second day" always leaving it to the third ... And, then you found out she likes to feel for herself.

    I have no idea why people place times on their sexual lives... Must be Saturday, or every three days. It's like you know it's going to happen where is the excitement?

    Where is the "take me now", un-expected raw sex?

    Where is the, hug and holding wanting nothing, to then the next time, passion and explosions because of honest love and intimacy?

    I don't know but putting times on it, for me as a woman would make me feel ahhh here it comes, i have to.

    Now, it's my undertstanding ( so don't get me wrong) that she has made this rule?

    Therefore, I am going to say this. Sex is sex to women, most women, it means nothing, it's kind of hurry up.... But making love or raw passion, is totally different and maybe you both have got out of tune of this.

    A woman masterbating on her own, is her time, she gets to explore knows exactly how and what she likes and feels. It takes a man a while and communication during each time for him to be able to do the same thing.

    So I guess, I am saying, don't look at it any more as sex with your wife, you need to "love" your wife, and show that love sexually.

    Maybe there is a few things missing there, only you know that .

    Just my thoughts .

    CW
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    42

    Default

    dude, you've been married for 10 years and still get to have sex every three days, plus your wife has enough sex drive to masturbate!!! Holy , you have no idea how lucky you are!!! I've been with my gf for three years and we only have sex 2 -3 times a week and I've been on here trying to find out how I can get her to masturbate because I think this might help with her sex drive.

    So, do you not ever masturbate?? I'm expecting the answer to be no since you're so upset about your wife doing it. If I were you I'd encourage your wife in her masturbation and explore some of your own. Encouraging her and approving of it will strengthen your relationship. Getting upset about this will not help with your lack of sex situation (which, again, is not bad at all). You could also look into mutual maturbation. Most of the sex books out there talk about it. Don't look at this as a bad thing, but an opportunity to expand your sexual horizon.

  4. #4
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
    I think that you feel hurt because she won't have sex on "second day" always leaving it to the third ... And, then you found out she likes to feel for herself.

    I have no idea why people place times on their sexual lives... Must be Saturday, or every three days. It's like you know it's going to happen where is the excitement?

    Where is the "take me now", un-expected raw sex?

    Where is the, hug and holding wanting nothing, to then the next time, passion and explosions because of honest love and intimacy?

    I don't know but putting times on it, for me as a woman would make me feel ahhh here it comes, i have to.

    Now, it's my undertstanding ( so don't get me wrong) that she has made this rule?

    Therefore, I am going to say this. Sex is sex to women, most women, it means nothing, it's kind of hurry up.... But making love or raw passion, is totally different and maybe you both have got out of tune of this.

    A woman masterbating on her own, is her time, she gets to explore knows exactly how and what she likes and feels. It takes a man a while and communication during each time for him to be able to do the same thing.

    So I guess, I am saying, don't look at it any more as sex with your wife, you need to "love" your wife, and show that love sexually.

    Maybe there is a few things missing there, only you know that .

    Just my thoughts .

    CW
    Thanks for the response, I appreciate the perspective. I can honestly say that I am upset about feeling lied to and accommodating my partner based on a lie. Of course it does not feel good to know she is doing it alone when I would prefer be doing it together but I don't control what she does with herself.

    As far as the passion goes, it really does not exist and reallly never has. My wife if very pragmatic about it despite my occasional efforts to the contrary. I think my wife is unusual in that way. As a guy it is not a bad thing bc most guys (I'd think) view it a little differently than women.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by zeos133 View Post
    dude, you've been married for 10 years and still get to have sex every three days, plus your wife has enough sex drive to masturbate!!! Holy , you have no idea how lucky you are!!! I've been with my gf for three years and we only have sex 2 -3 times a week and I've been on here trying to find out how I can get her to masturbate because I think this might help with her sex drive.

    So, do you not ever masturbate?? I'm expecting the answer to be no since you're so upset about your wife doing it. If I were you I'd encourage your wife in her masturbation and explore some of your own. Encouraging her and approving of it will strengthen your relationship. Getting upset about this will not help with your lack of sex situation (which, again, is not bad at all). You could also look into mutual maturbation. Most of the sex books out there talk about it. Don't look at this as a bad thing, but an opportunity to expand your sexual horizon.
    I am not upset about the masturbation (for either of us), I bought her the toy. And we are perfectly comfortable using it together and I respect that she would want to use it alone at times. What I am most upset about is that I have been accommodating her lie about declining sex drive.

  6. #6
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    22,104
    Blog Entries
    13

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mar25 View Post
    Thanks for the response, I appreciate the perspective. I can honestly say that I am upset about feeling lied to and accommodating my partner based on a lie. Of course it does not feel good to know she is doing it alone when I would prefer be doing it together but I don't control what she does with herself.

    As far as the passion goes, it really does not exist and reallly never has. My wife if very pragmatic about it despite my occasional efforts to the contrary. I think my wife is unusual in that way. As a guy it is not a bad thing bc most guys (I'd think) view it a little differently than women.

    That's sad... Yes, in a marriage, there should never be any lies, so i understand that..

    It's almost like she is hiding behind herself a bit...

    You know, you are not alone in that dimention of "never really ever existed"... I don't think there is an answer on "how" to get a woman to change and give back into the relationship on an equal level, sexually but there tends to be, from what I have read here, a connection and love in a different way, but just something missing.
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!

  7. #7
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH View Post
    That's sad... Yes, in a marriage, there should never be any lies, so i understand that..

    It's almost like she is hiding behind herself a bit...

    You know, you are not alone in that dimention of "never really ever existed"... I don't think there is an answer on "how" to get a woman to change and give back into the relationship on an equal level, sexually but there tends to be, from what I have read here, a connection and love in a different way, but just something missing.
    You are very insightful. Connectedness has come up and my wife is very much a 'hider'. She is ultra sensitive and does not communicate her needs. She keeps it all in and it ends up sabotaging the relationship in other ways. I am not assigning blame by any means. We are currently 'working' on this.

    A perfect example is how she answered by saying she is masturbating to sleep. I think that is BS. But it is very hard to get her true feelings out of her. It could be many things. I could be true or partially true. It could be a complete lie and something she does to feel in control. I could be a way to spite me with out me knowing. It could be that she really wants the time alone. It could be because she was just really horny. It could be a combination of all of them and different ones on different days.

    It took me a couple times to read your post before it sunk into my thick head. I am seeing it at another angle/level now. I knew I needed a woman's opinion, this helped. Thanks

  8. #8
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    22,104
    Blog Entries
    13

    Default

    Mar...

    Something is deep rooted, if you purchased a toy and you use it together, but she felt the need to "lie"..

    You said she is ultra sensitive... Okay. But the fact she uses a toy, masterbates, means maybe that her sexual side is actually not as shy as she actually is and that she is trying to open up more, but is embarrased, and hides.

    Maybe it's a "white lie" in-other-words and you can maybe make jokes about it instead and make her feel comfortable.

    I say this because you say, you don't care that she does, but you wish she only did it with you and she may feel that you are pushing as well and so she is experimenting, trying, or she may feel like it's "sex" when she wants love more the touch of your hand on her cheek, telling her you love her for instance, and then holding her and sleeping... On occasions...

    Don't know as you haven't stated any of that side.

    CW
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!

  9. #9
    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Western USA
    Posts
    14,509
    Blog Entries
    6

    Default

    Welcome to the forum Mar. I'm going to be blunt, because if you are looking to salvage this situation ( and it will be salvage work if you don't let go of your anger) you don't need any footing around. Understand I'm not defending this 3 day schedule you've been on. I find that really strange. But you lived with it and didn't resolve this a long time ago. You got to work from now.

    Its sounds like she is not comfortable communicating her needs. She may feel nervous or ashamed or fear that you will not respond as she needs. You are being highly judgemental labeling this as lying. She is self pleasuing, exploring her needs and arousal, You should be glad, maybe, with an appropriate response from you this would result in more and better sex. Instead you've come down on her with an accusatory and negative response which will probably only serve to make her less likely to open up sexually to you.

    It sounds like you feel that you have been controlled and limited (and you have) and are angry because she's been giving herself pleasure instead of you. I don't see much in here about a desire for mutual pleasure or enhancing your sex life for both of you. It seems the two of you have gotten off track here. No two women are exactly alike in sexual matters any more than men are, but in general for women, arousal and sexual responsiveness are an ongoing thing. We need to feel cared for and about, to feel that physical contact isn't just about getting your rocks off. In turn I'm sure you want to feel desired and that you can bring her pleasure. Your and anger and effort now to control her sexually won't get you there. That's a little thing called revenge, it's not loving.

    What may be going here is that for whatever reason, she hasn't been all that into sex, she's now hitting a time in her life when that is changing. Handled right she could really get into it. But not with an angry man. If you want more and better sex, Get over it. Start showing her that you value her in ways she will appreciate. This means lots of non-sexual touching, hugs, cuddling, doing little things for her, listening when she needs to talk (that means TV off, newspaper down - actual focus - you don't have to DO anything - just listen, women need that). No judging, no dumping, try getting into her. This will help her connect more with her sensual side. She needs to associate you with pleasure and not just sexual.

    When was the last time you did something romantic? I don't mean a scripted deal, certain type of men seem to tend to do this, you can almost see the list in their head; bring home flowers, take her out to dinner, order her to dress up and inform her that it Will be Romantic and she Will enjoy it, bring her home and have sex. This isn't romanic. Romance and sensuality are more flowing and spontanious. It's flowers for no reason and don't just shove them at her, try being a little playful, having fun together. You've had this 'sex schedule', some busy people do schedule sex but they use that as a builder of anticipation, get the feeling that hasn't been the case.

    How about starting over so to speak, court her all over again? Have some fun with it. Have you ever come home in a good mood, just laughingly picked her up, hugged her and spun her around the room? Go out for a drive and park, in the very teenage sense, have a good long make out session in the car. Get some books, educational videos and work on your skills (not talking golf swing here) there is always room for improvement. Light some candles, put on some soft, evocative music, and spend a few hours (yes hours, not minutes) exploring each other's bodies, use your hands, tongues, a feather, a piece of silk, No sex, just low level arousal and exploring. How does this feel? What about touching here, this way? Have bottle of massage oil handy and use that, some ice, just get into different sensations on different parts of your and her body. Especially her body, get connected.

    Help her get connected to herself. Masterbating or self pleasuring, is a way of doing that and hopefully your hissy fit over this is repairable. Women typically get a lot of negative social conditioning about their bodies and sexuality, some overcome it more easily than others. For those who don't get past it easily, sexuality is like a shy hidden creature, it will only come out and play if gently encouraged. Sounds like you've started stopping around in your hob nailed boots because you want to play together and she was playing alone. First rule on the playground if you want others to play with you, you have to find something you both want to play. Deep breath, slow down, let go of the judgement and feeling of betrayal and find the positives. She isn't frigid, she hasn't shut down, she's willing and able to touch herself - these are good things! Find ways to enhance and encourage them.

    I understand that this schedule stuff must be difficult, read through some of the threads here, you have more going for you than most here. LOL. Many of us have dealt with years of no sex, you are way ahead in some regards!

  10. #10
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Dear Mar25,
    Being an older woman myself, I understand how the sex drive can decrease as we get comfortable with our mates. The hustle and bustle of everyday life can cause women (mainly) to loose interest in sex. I agree with everyone when they say that a "schedule" for sex is probably one of the most unexciting things to have! Women like romance and we like to be spoiled in the bedroom. I have a few suggestions on how to spice up your love-life! Try watching a porn movie together. Try running a bubble bath with candles and soft music playing. You say your wife likes to masterbate....next time you catch her doing this, offer to "help out". If she likes to use toys, offer to use one on her. Offer to give her a intimate massage or to perform oral sex on her. There is more to sex then just intercourse. Spoil her! Only you know your wife well enough. What does she like? Experiment!!

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Wife's lack of sex drive
    By kippy99 in forum Sex
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 05-25-2009, 04:10 PM
  2. Men masturbating
    By scarlet in forum Sex
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 10-05-2007, 10:16 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Beauty & Style | Fitness & Nutrition | Family & Relationships | Sex & Sexual Health | Physical & Mental Health | Girl Talk | Forum Home
Home | Health Library | Contact | Terms Of Service | Contact | Privacy Policy

© Womens-Health.com 2013 and Emerge Media