Thread: My wife's masturbating

Welcome to the forum Mar. I'm going to be blunt, because if you are looking to salvage this situation ( and it will be salvage work if you don't let go of your anger) you don't need any footing around. Understand I'm not defending this 3 day schedule you've been on. I find that really strange. But you lived with it and didn't resolve this a long time ago. You got to work from now.

Its sounds like she is not comfortable communicating her needs. She may feel nervous or ashamed or fear that you will not respond as she needs. You are being highly judgemental labeling this as lying. She is self pleasuing, exploring her needs and arousal, You should be glad, maybe, with an appropriate response from you this would result in more and better sex. Instead you've come down on her with an accusatory and negative response which will probably only serve to make her less likely to open up sexually to you.

It sounds like you feel that you have been controlled and limited (and you have) and are angry because she's been giving herself pleasure instead of you. I don't see much in here about a desire for mutual pleasure or enhancing your sex life for both of you. It seems the two of you have gotten off track here. No two women are exactly alike in sexual matters any more than men are, but in general for women, arousal and sexual responsiveness are an ongoing thing. We need to feel cared for and about, to feel that physical contact isn't just about getting your rocks off. In turn I'm sure you want to feel desired and that you can bring her pleasure. Your and anger and effort now to control her sexually won't get you there. That's a little thing called revenge, it's not loving.

What may be going here is that for whatever reason, she hasn't been all that into sex, she's now hitting a time in her life when that is changing. Handled right she could really get into it. But not with an angry man. If you want more and better sex, Get over it. Start showing her that you value her in ways she will appreciate. This means lots of non-sexual touching, hugs, cuddling, doing little things for her, listening when she needs to talk (that means TV off, newspaper down - actual focus - you don't have to DO anything - just listen, women need that). No judging, no dumping, try getting into her. This will help her connect more with her sensual side. She needs to associate you with pleasure and not just sexual.

When was the last time you did something romantic? I don't mean a scripted deal, certain type of men seem to tend to do this, you can almost see the list in their head; bring home flowers, take her out to dinner, order her to dress up and inform her that it Will be Romantic and she Will enjoy it, bring her home and have sex. This isn't romanic. Romance and sensuality are more flowing and spontanious. It's flowers for no reason and don't just shove them at her, try being a little playful, having fun together. You've had this 'sex schedule', some busy people do schedule sex but they use that as a builder of anticipation, get the feeling that hasn't been the case.

How about starting over so to speak, court her all over again? Have some fun with it. Have you ever come home in a good mood, just laughingly picked her up, hugged her and spun her around the room? Go out for a drive and park, in the very teenage sense, have a good long make out session in the car. Get some books, educational videos and work on your skills (not talking golf swing here) there is always room for improvement. Light some candles, put on some soft, evocative music, and spend a few hours (yes hours, not minutes) exploring each other's bodies, use your hands, tongues, a feather, a piece of silk, No sex, just low level arousal and exploring. How does this feel? What about touching here, this way? Have bottle of massage oil handy and use that, some ice, just get into different sensations on different parts of your and her body. Especially her body, get connected.

Help her get connected to herself. Masterbating or self pleasuring, is a way of doing that and hopefully your hissy fit over this is repairable. Women typically get a lot of negative social conditioning about their bodies and sexuality, some overcome it more easily than others. For those who don't get past it easily, sexuality is like a shy hidden creature, it will only come out and play if gently encouraged. Sounds like you've started stopping around in your hob nailed boots because you want to play together and she was playing alone. First rule on the playground if you want others to play with you, you have to find something you both want to play. Deep breath, slow down, let go of the judgement and feeling of betrayal and find the positives. She isn't frigid, she hasn't shut down, she's willing and able to touch herself - these are good things! Find ways to enhance and encourage them.

I understand that this schedule stuff must be difficult, read through some of the threads here, you have more going for you than most here. LOL. Many of us have dealt with years of no sex, you are way ahead in some regards!