Hi eveyone, first post here. I have been to the forum and read a lot but finally decided to register because I wanted to get some other female opinions. With that said any feedback is much appreciated.

I have been with my wife for 10 years and married for 7. I am 37 and she is 35. When we first got married we used to have sex every day or every other day. As time has gone on, she has told me her sex drive has decreased. While not easy to accept, I can understand this and I have done my best to respect it. Basically, it has come down to the fact that she does not want to do it more than once every three days. If I ask on a second day, even once in a while (like once every 2-3 months) it becomes a MAJOR issue, so I pretty much never ask anymore on a 2nd day and often times I give it 4 or 5 days.

Anyhow, I caught her masturbating the other night and I suspected that she had 2 nights earlier as well, so I asked her about it. She admited that this was the case. Obviously, I was disappointed especially in light of the hard line she has taken with the 'schedule' in the past. So then I asked her how often this occurs and she told me maybe once a week. When she told me this I was shocked. I feel completely duped and really angry about it. Here, I was doing my best to respect here boundaries just to come to find out this is not a sex drive issue.

My wife's excuse is that she does not consider it sexual and that she does it to sleep. She also said that she told me this because she did not want to hurt me and that the truth is that she does not want to have sex with me more often. I am sure that masturbation can help in sleeping sometimes, but firstly, my wife does not have problems getting to sleep, she sometimes has problems staying asleep, so it this were a middle of the night thing it would make more sense. That was not the case here, she went to bed early on both occasions and she is taking Valium for a stiff neck which also knocks her out.

I don't know what to say besides that it really hurts to be lied to especially when you are trying to be accommodating based on the lie.

Thoughts?

I think that you feel hurt because she won't have sex on "second day" always leaving it to the third ... And, then you found out she likes to feel for herself.

I have no idea why people place times on their sexual lives... Must be Saturday, or every three days. It's like you know it's going to happen where is the excitement?

Where is the "take me now", un-expected raw sex?

Where is the, hug and holding wanting nothing, to then the next time, passion and explosions because of honest love and intimacy?

I don't know but putting times on it, for me as a woman would make me feel ahhh here it comes, i have to.

Now, it's my undertstanding ( so don't get me wrong) that she has made this rule?

Therefore, I am going to say this. Sex is sex to women, most women, it means nothing, it's kind of hurry up.... But making love or raw passion, is totally different and maybe you both have got out of tune of this.

A woman masterbating on her own, is her time, she gets to explore knows exactly how and what she likes and feels. It takes a man a while and communication during each time for him to be able to do the same thing.

So I guess, I am saying, don't look at it any more as sex with your wife, you need to "love" your wife, and show that love sexually.

Maybe there is a few things missing there, only you know that .

Just my thoughts .

CW

dude, you've been married for 10 years and still get to have sex every three days, plus your wife has enough sex drive to masturbate!!! Holy , you have no idea how lucky you are!!! I've been with my gf for three years and we only have sex 2 -3 times a week and I've been on here trying to find out how I can get her to masturbate because I think this might help with her sex drive.

So, do you not ever masturbate?? I'm expecting the answer to be no since you're so upset about your wife doing it. If I were you I'd encourage your wife in her masturbation and explore some of your own. Encouraging her and approving of it will strengthen your relationship. Getting upset about this will not help with your lack of sex situation (which, again, is not bad at all). You could also look into mutual maturbation. Most of the sex books out there talk about it. Don't look at this as a bad thing, but an opportunity to expand your sexual horizon.

Thanks for the response, I appreciate the perspective. I can honestly say that I am upset about feeling lied to and accommodating my partner based on a lie. Of course it does not feel good to know she is doing it alone when I would prefer be doing it together but I don't control what she does with herself.

As far as the passion goes, it really does not exist and reallly never has. My wife if very pragmatic about it despite my occasional efforts to the contrary. I think my wife is unusual in that way. As a guy it is not a bad thing bc most guys (I'd think) view it a little differently than women.

I am not upset about the masturbation (for either of us), I bought her the toy. And we are perfectly comfortable using it together and I respect that she would want to use it alone at times. What I am most upset about is that I have been accommodating her lie about declining sex drive.

That's sad... Yes, in a marriage, there should never be any lies, so i understand that..

It's almost like she is hiding behind herself a bit...

You know, you are not alone in that dimention of "never really ever existed"... I don't think there is an answer on "how" to get a woman to change and give back into the relationship on an equal level, sexually but there tends to be, from what I have read here, a connection and love in a different way, but just something missing.

You are very insightful. Connectedness has come up and my wife is very much a 'hider'. She is ultra sensitive and does not communicate her needs. She keeps it all in and it ends up sabotaging the relationship in other ways. I am not assigning blame by any means. We are currently 'working' on this.

A perfect example is how she answered by saying she is masturbating to sleep. I think that is BS. But it is very hard to get her true feelings out of her. It could be many things. I could be true or partially true. It could be a complete lie and something she does to feel in control. I could be a way to spite me with out me knowing. It could be that she really wants the time alone. It could be because she was just really horny. It could be a combination of all of them and different ones on different days.

It took me a couple times to read your post before it sunk into my thick head. I am seeing it at another angle/level now. I knew I needed a woman's opinion, this helped. Thanks