how do i get him to want sex!!

**wicked-humour** · 12-04-2008 04:36 PM

hi all,
my problem is that my husband isnt interested in sex very often, we have been married 24 years and are very happy in the rest of our marriage.

i have quite a high sex drive and enjoy all aspects of sex. I would like sex about 4 times a week, yet feel as if I am being unreasonable as he only wants it about once a week.

my husband very rarely initiates sex and when i asked him how he felt about me approaching him, he said it usually makes him less likely to want sex! he says he loves me and is very content with our life but doesnt have the urge for sex!

It is now getting to the point were i'm wondering if he still fancies me, i know he secretly masturbates to internet porn because i have caught him a few times,and it usually ends in a row as i see it as he would rather do that than have sex with me. I have given him plenty of blow-jobs and hand-jobs but he never seems to relax enough to have an orgasm.(well he has very rarely!) He is not against me masturbating but i dont seem to get the chance due to time and family.

when we do have sex it is great and very satisfying, but then that is it for about a week.

please can anyone tell me if i am being unreasonable and that i should be happy with once a week, or can anyone offer tips to get him in the mood.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 12-04-2008 05:02 PM

It's a sad thing when people aren't sexually satisfied... You aren't being unreasonable to have desires, and it's not something that you should turn your back on.

As for how to turn him on? I could give you a list of things, but they'd be personal to me and everyone is different, I guess you've just got to find out what works for him (you've been married for years so you must know how to get him going).

If he's still feeling sexual and resorting to porn, that's probably because he needs the release but is avoiding situations which he might not want to experience - not having sex with you per se, things like stress/anxiety etc.

**wicked-humour** · 12-04-2008 05:18 PM

thanks for the reply,

i do know how to turn him on and and i am also willing to try anything new that he may want to try, but he just doesnt seem to have the urge.

I know he works hard and I try to make life for him as stressfree as possible, but i suppose he must worry, especially with the global financial state at the moment.

looks like im going to have to let him be and make sure i find time to find my own entertainment

**zeos133** · 12-04-2008 09:20 PM

how to get somebody to want more sex is indeed a very good question. I'm 28, my girlfriend is 23, and we only have sex 2 or 3 times per week. Sometimes only once a week. She just doesn't seem to want it more than that no matter what I do to get her in the mood. Apparently it can be the same for guys. As for how to get my girl more in the mood, I'm not sure. That's why I've been on here lately to get some advice. Sadly most people seem to be of the opinion that there's nothing I can do about it so I should just live with it or leave her. How depressing! but enough about me...sorry, I tend to get off on tangents...

I've been trying to figure out this whole sex vs masturbation thing all week. It seems that some people can masturbate as much as they want and still more than fulfill their partners needs too, while others masturbation and leave their partner feeling left out, let down, displaced, upset, hurt, angry...etc. Some on this site seem to think that masturbation has no place in a relationship because it takes away from the sexual energy. I disagree, but that's ok.

I don't think its good that your husband masturbates and leaves you wanting. But the thing is, masturbation and sex are not exactly synonymous. Meaning that one does not replace the other. Somebody can prefer one over the other, but its like saying I prefer apples to oranges. so I might eat 4 apples a week and only 1 orange. Its not that I don't like oranges, I just prefer apples. So even if your husband stopped masturbating, it might not translate into having more sex.

Have you tried having sex while watching porn? I've never tried this because my gf isn't into porn, and I don't need it to get aroused. But I'm just wondering if there is a way to combine his desire for porn and masturbation with your need for more sex. Its not ideal, but I can't think of any way to make a guy want more sex.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-04-2008 10:41 PM

You may be right, it may purely be stress, you say he works very hard, and men on this site, state that masterbation is a form of release for them, tension.. I believe from personal experience, that whilst it may be a feeling of wanting to do, it also does release tension in a woman.

Perhaps, if he has difficulty in orgasming, in addition, he has a fear, of being inpotent not saying he is, saying a fear, and therefore, uses porn to see if that can do it.

If he has a wife with a high sex drive, and avoids sex, that to me says that there isn't a problem with you, it's within himself.

Don't know his age, but i am only going off what you are saying.

How about you let us know if this has been going on for quite some time, or whether it's just started, if his work load has increased, finances decreased, that type of thing as well.

CW

**wicked-humour** · 12-05-2008 04:57 AM

in reply to zeo133,thanks for the oranges/apples idea, i understand a bit more now! i have used porn dvds to help the situation, he does usually want sex then but i cant use this everytime i need sex(fink the dvd player would break!!)
when he actually wants sex we have a very good time and he is a very giving partner. so i feel a bit deceitful talking like this.

i sometimes think the internet porn and masturbation issue is more to do with the sneaky,not getting caught feeling, as when i have caught him, he stops and goes quiet on me. A bit like a child getting caught doing wrong. maybe this all stems from his childhood!! i dont know,im just clutching at straws.

chandlers wish- he is 45 years old, i am 43. he does work hard and i have put a lot of this down to tiredness but if i leave him alone then i dont get any. i think his inability to orgasm through blow-job or hand-job by me may be embarassment.
As im writing this it is becoming clearer to me that his problem may be deep rooted, he is a very silent lover,making hardly any noise that sometimes im not sure he has orgasmed, also he will not masturbate in front of me(he doesnt mind if i do though)

i feel so sad now that he may have issues and i am thinking of myself. seems like he has problems. i know he loves me and there is no-one else and he is confident i love him.
To the outside world he is a very confident,funny,generous man and obviously i am going to have to change my ways to avoid this stress for him.

im so sorry this post is long but writing this out and hearing a couple of views, has switched a little light on in my head, he may have deep rooted problems with sex and i am making it worse for him.

thanks again xx

**zeos133** · 12-05-2008 03:06 PM

I'm not 45 and I don't know what a normal sex drive for a man that age is, but I'm guessing its lower than someone in their 20's. You still have good sex once a week? That might be less than you desire, but I've heard of couples having less. I have no idea what a normal or healthy frequency is. The world would be a much easier place if everbody always wanted sex at the same time. haha

I'm not sure this stems from childhood, as if there was a problem there. Everybody freezes when they get caught in a vulnerable situation. This is literally getting caught with his pants down! I'm comfortable with my masturbating, but not when somebody walks in on me, doesn't matter who it is. Are you actively looking for him when this happens, or do you walk in by accident? If he's going to do it, you might as well let him have his privacy. Some guys just need that alone time. Have you ever offered to join in? I'm not sure if he'd like that, but maybe. All guys are different.

so, he orgasms from sex but not BJ's or hand jobs? That's not unusual. I have a very difficult time getting off that way too. I can stroke myself to orgasm easily with the right motivation, but most girls, no matter how hard they try will never get me there. I really enjoy when a girl touches me that way, or goes down on me, but in the end I have to "lend a hand". There is a different energy feedback when I use my own hand. I'm not sure how the body chemistry works exactly, but this is just the way it is. Usually, the only way I can get off from a BJ is if I simulate thrusting like sex. In a way this would be like having sex with her mouth, and most girls are too keen on this, and I can understand why. So usually I don't expect a girl to get me there this way.

I would caution using the word problem to describe your husband's sexual preferance and way of being. Its a problem for you, but he might feel just fine! Its the same for me. I tend to think its a problem that my girl doesn't want sex more often, but its really only a problem for me, not her, and so I'm always looking for ways to increase her sex drive. Its sooo difficult though! But, maybe they do have a problem. Anybody know a good sex healer??

How often do you talk about sex with your husband? Have you asked him if there is something you can do to arouse him more? I agree you can't use porn every time, so maybe there's something else.

I'm sorry you feel sad about this. I can understand. When I try to bring up sex with my girl she can get very upset and it inturn makes me upset. Sometimes I wonder if she was sexually abused, but I can't ask her that, and some of the opinions I've gotten from this site suggest that nothing happened to her as a child. Its just that she has a lower sex drive than me. could be the same with your husband.

In what way do you think you're making this worse for him?

**herandhim2gether** · 12-06-2008 09:20 AM

I have been following this post and I want to put my two cents in, I am a man, 45 years old, about 20 lbs over weight. I work 10 hours a day 6 days a week, yet I work out every day. I want and do have sex with my wife nearly seven or more times a week and still somehow find myself masturbating a couple times a week. I love looking a porn and looking at web sites. My wife is complexly gorgeous, she is 5’8, 125 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes, and measurement very similar to Barbie. She is amazing, yet I still like looking at other women. My wife and I have been together over nine years. My sex drive is higher than my wife, she would be happy with three or four times a week. But, we find a happy medium for our sex life. How did we do this, communication.
I don’t know if you have or not, but I am going to assume you have not sat down and had a “frank” conversation with your husband. The best thing you can do, if you can afford it and he is willing, you should go to counseling. But, if he won’t go or you can’t go, My wife and ia have some ideas, that may help, but don’t blame us if e becomes a “dirty old man”.
Herandhim2getheryahoo.com

**WildChild** · 12-06-2008 09:51 AM

Well Wicked you aren't alone. You should encourage him to get a full check up. My ex turned out to have testicular cancer in his mid forties, it wasn't the only problem but it sure can mess up your sex life. It could be mental too. I'm beginning to feel 'mental' myself. I'd be happy with daily sex, but not to be. Started out in a new relationship it was great for a few months and then he backed off, apparently afraid of getting hurt or too involved.

With all the talk of women not orgasaming and not wanting sex, there seems to be a lot of men who've lost interest and nobody talks about it. We women tiptoe around worrying about their precious egos. If a woman isn't interested she's frigid or has a problem and can really be made to feel defective but if it's a man then it's a touchy subject! We have to be careful what we say and how we deal with it. Personally I'm getting really frustrated with the double standard. A woman who puts off a man sexually can expect to hear about it but when a man just decides he doesn't want it or gets POd when approached, we're supposed to just go back into the kitchen and scrub something I guess. Then when they do decide they want it, we're supposed to be thrilled and ready to go. I don't think most of us can handle the on and off stuff like that very well. Certainly I can't. I'm shutting down again and I don't want to but I can't stay this horny and get nothing but what I can do for myself. I already had years of it in marriages.
At least you have some hope, you're getting him going once a week. Apparently that's about the national average - pathetic. Does it beat the heck out of zero? I don't know cuz sometimes too little is just enough to keep you really frustrated and reminded of what you aren't getting. If the relationship is good otherwise then work to fix this, the world of modern singles sex is the pits, full of STDs, condoms and other barriers - you don't want to go there if you can avoid it.
Get him in for a physical, we women are conditioned to at least visit the GYN once a year (that's not the same as a full physical but it's something) men tend to avoid going until they are nearly dead. Then look into some couples counseling, it can't hurt, maybe it will at least clue him into the idea that this is a problem.
Good luck

**zeos133** · 12-06-2008 04:16 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

With all the talk of women not orgasaming and not wanting sex, there seems to be a lot of men who've lost interest and nobody talks about it. We women tiptoe around worrying about their precious egos. If a woman isn't interested she's frigid or has a problem and can really be made to feel defective but if it's a man then it's a touchy subject! We have to be careful what we say and how we deal with it. Personally I'm getting really frustrated with the double standard. A woman who puts off a man sexually can expect to hear about it but when a man just decides he doesn't want it or gets POd when approached, we're supposed to just go back into the kitchen and scrub something I guess. Then when they do decide they want it, we're supposed to be thrilled and ready to go. I don't think most of us can handle the on and off stuff like that very well. Certainly I can't. I'm shutting down again and I don't want to but I can't stay this horny and get nothing but what I can do for myself. I already had years of it in marriages.

I agree there's not much talk about guys that lose interest. I'd heard that a guy's sex drive slows down with age, but usually not much else is discussed. After reading the threads on this site it seems that the desired quantity of weekly sex can be very different for everybody. And I'm still not sure how you can ask for more without them getting hurt.

I know what you mean about how a woman can be made to feel defective, but trust me that too is a touchy subject. I think that in general, the one with the lower sex drive is made to feel defective. I understand what you were saying though. I have no idea how to talk about sex with my girlfriend without her taking it as criticism and then feeling vulnerable. And once that happens, forget about sex. She is a wonderful and sweet woman and her emotions completely control her sex life. If we get in a fight, the emotional recovery time before we have sex again can be several weeks.

So how do we prevent shutting down? I'm a guy and I can't handle the whole on and off thing either. My girlfriend seems to think that I just want it all the time, so when she wants it then we can both have it. But its just not that simple for me. There are times when I am really turned on and I want to engage her. If she tells me no, then I have to suppress this desire (shut down). The more I do this, the less I want sex. That's why I've turned to masturbation, and why I claim that it helps sustain my sex drive. But its not a great rememdy. I think in some ways it starts to transfer my preference to masturbation instead of sex. Which is not what I want.

Thread: how do i get him to want sex!!

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

how do i get him to want sex!!

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions