Did i cheat??

**sunflower74** · 12-25-2008 10:57 AM

Hello my name is Marianne i am a 34 year old women. I am "still" married to my husband John and together with john parent of 2 beautiful children.

Now here is what happened:

My husband and myself decided to take a trip to Thailand. There is something about the country that always fascinated us. We invited my husbands best friend Steve to join us on our trip. Steve broke up with his wife a couple of months before and we thought this trip would get him out of the house and cheer him up a bit. To make a long story short. We visited a city called Lampang. On the 3rd day of our visit we had a horrible accident with our rental car. we drove into an older lady on a bicycle. She survived but was injured.
The police arrested us for reckless driving and cause we couldn't explain who was driving we all got locked up

The thing is i was separated from my husband and placed in 1 prison cell with Steve!! Communication was very bad and although some spoke English, we couldn't help getting separated. We had to stay a total of 3 months in prison just outside Lampang until we got "rescued" by the embassy.
Unfortunately in those 3 months being locked up with Steve and feeling very lonely and helpless, Steve and i slept with each other a total of 3 times in these 3 months. In the 3 months i couldn't see my husband cause he was placed in Section A of the prison system and Steve and myself in B. This because My husband was the suspected driver.
I know i cheated on my husband!! And i haven't told him yet

Out of fear he will divorce me! Did i cheat? and was it was it such a wrong thing to sleep with someone if you're locked up for 3 months 24/7 a day with a person in the same prison cell??

**WildChild** · 12-25-2008 11:35 AM

This is a toughie, no matter what one's view is, how many would really be able to deal with that? What a situation! Really this sounds like something out of Bridget Jones Diary II, but what do they say? Truth is stranger than fiction.

Hard to call. On one hand, do really feel you HAVE to tell him? What purpose would it serve? You didn't go out looking to have an affair or fall for someone else and then change your mind. Honesty is a wonderful thing but sometimes can be misguided. Do you love your husband? Do you have any desire to ever sleep with Steve again? Would telling your husband provide anyone with any benefit? At any level? Unless he is a very mature thinker, it will hurt him, hurt you, possibly end your marriage and what will be gained?

This may seem to some to be kind of twisted reasoning but there are levels of truth, having been pushed into a strange situation for a prolonged period of time and in that situation having had sex with Steve is one truth. The love you have for your husband, the duration of your relationship and your desire to have it continue is another truth. Which is the greater truth or the lesser? Only you can decide. But sometimes being truthful is cruel and unecessary.

On the other hand, for some full disclosure, absolute truth is an absolute. Only you can make this decision. In a perfect relationship he would react with compassion and trust in your response to the situation and you would feel such confidence in both your love and understanding that you would have no hesitation. Few have that. Maybe the defining question is, if the situation were reversed and it had been a woman friend on the trip and she and your husband had been together in a cell for 3 months, would you want to know? Even if you thought it likely and were ok with it, would you want it 'in your face' so to speak? Or would you need answers? Has your husband broached the subject? Asked? Made any comments?

**In-Need** · 12-25-2008 01:38 PM

I'm like WC, it really is a tuff call, but your question was did you cheat?

I know what I'm about to say is a little xtreme but when a POW is put under a stressful situation he may give in at anytime or he may never give in. Everyone has their "Cracking Point" so to speak. If one does give in the others don't hold it against him or her unless of course it's something that puts everyone else in danger!

If I was your close friend I certainly wouldn't hold it against you!

In your case, that was a very stressful situation, not knowing what in the world was going to happen and when, shoooo! I don't think anyone of us could say what we would have done.

Your question? I'm like WC it's not like you planned this all along with premeditation. Cheating is a strong word, we could say you did and we could say you gave in to temptation to fornicate with another man do to the stressful circumstances. In this case to me there's a difference.

If your conscious allows you to live with it tho, I wouldn't tell your Husband, like WC said what purpose will it serve other than your conscious. Only you know this. But again I would not tell him, put it behind you.
I'm wondering what this Steve is thinking?

I appreciate WC remarks tho on the absolute truth, and the tho't what would he have done and would he tell you and how would you react...........Hope I haven't confused the situation for you but sometimes things being said outright in some fashion or another gives me thot's to ponder when I'm in adversity and indecision.

I do sympathize with you tho and hope the best for your marriage.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-25-2008 03:46 PM

There are times when you have to see "outside the square"..

You were in a foreign country, scared i would imagine, not knowing when you would get out of jaol, when you would see your husband again, your children...

No one to talk to but Steve.

No one to consol you, or him, no way of communicating to the outside.

I understand that in general terms, even I would be saying, but if you loved your husband no way would you ever do that.

But, i sense fear to the hilt, and longing for your children, real pain and suffering..

I doubt i would do that, but strength is something you only know when you face the worse fears and or danger. I have faced a few dangers that could have turned to death, and so, i know my strength.

But, emotional pain would at the least drive you into someone's arms just to cry and just to be comforted.

I can not believe that they put a man and a woman together, that's wrong anyway, stupid.

But, anyway... yes you did cheat.

But, you may not have been of sound mind at the time and really, all you probably wanted was to be held..

I don't believe anyone can judge you, nor make a comment because no one has been locked up with an alternative man, away from their spouse and children for months not knowing the outcome.

This is something that you will need to go and get councelling for, forgive yourself, and get your mind clear on it all before you make any decisions of any discussions i think.

Again, i am one that says you have to speak the truth, no matter how bad.. but first off, as i said, i think you need to get outside councelling for a while to get your head around the whole thing, to establish in your heart why, and to see it all as a picture, as it was, who instigated, was there vulnerability, were you actually taken advantage of, for just wanting comfort.. See the whole picture first.

CW

**Uneeklyme** · 12-26-2008 09:52 AM

Your question...did you cheat? Yes.

Another thing you might want to consider here too... You spent three months with Steve. You turned to him for comfort and solace. I am assuming everyone is home and safe now. What about Steve? You dont bond with someone like the two of you did then just walk away. Your husbands best friend so I am going to assume that it's not like you will never see Steve again. How does Steve feel about it?

I understand your plight but think at the end of the day it will torment you. If it were me, I would talk to my husband. I would not make excuses for what happened. Remember, he was in the same situation as you at the time and I think he may understand where your coming from with your fear and lonliness.

**diare** · 12-26-2008 10:04 AM

Should you tell your Husband? Only if you cannot keep the secret for the rest of your life.

**diare** · 12-26-2008 10:06 AM

Was your husband isolated? They must not separate men and women in their prisons. Strange story. Almost sounds unreal.

**JWB_pof** · 12-27-2008 09:15 AM

did you cheat................... uh, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

so you didnt see your husband for 3 months and everything between was good except you were seperated b/c of arrest. who cares, play with yourself then.

should you tell your husband?, it doesnt matter. why, because you broke your vowe.

how would you feel if when he was in the other cell he was with a woman and cheated on you. all because the agency didnt put you 2 in the same cell.

i am sorry WC (and all who say same), but it isnt a tough call.
its just can you hold out for some time, and if your love is true to who you marry?

example:
so just because your man is serving your country it gives all women the right to sleep around. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bottom line is simple, for the example i gave, you know he will gone for periods of time, so if you cant be faithfull, break it off no matter how hard it may be.
AND for the story being told in the thread, you cheated plain and simple. you have no control over your emotions and desires.

if you cant be faithful, you cheat. end of story.

and for anyone who cheats, you get what you deserve, so OP, if you tell him and he does leave you, then dont complain at all.

ALWAYS put yourself in the others shoes and see how you would feel/think/or react. then you might have a clue.

**shadow90810** · 12-27-2008 09:05 PM

sorry but to tell you the truth yes you did...and i believe there is no excuse for doing so. I am currently a Marine stationed in Japan and ive been away from my fiance for 8 months now and I haven't cheat on her. Sure you can argue that I have my "alone time" in the bathroom, but basic training was 3 months long for me and no once did I get my "alone time"...and trust me when I say that basic training is MUCH like prison.

**rcoreyus** · 12-28-2008 11:52 PM

The prison situation seems very strange. They put your husband in a different cell, and you in with another man? You had enough privacy in prison to have sleep with him? I'm not questioning what you have said - but this sounds very very unusual.

I have a dark mind and some awful possibilities occur to me.

I think you should tell your husband and beg his forgiveness. You did cheat, but under very stressful conditions and many people would have done the same under those conditions - locked in a cell in a hostile world with the only person you can trust.

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