Help!!!!! Is he GAY?

**starvingforsex** · 12-25-2008 10:23 PM

I am married to a very wonderful man. We have been together for 5 years. When we met, I(40) was a divorced single mom of 3 with a very good job and extremely independent. He(41) was a long time bachelor who never had any children. From day one, sex was an issue. In the beginning, we quickly fell in love and became inseparable. Our first sexual experience, was extremely emotional for both of us. He was unable to attain an erection despite our desperate attempts, resulting in him breaking down and crying ...afraid that I was going to leave him. I was shocked that he thought that little of my devotion to him and that in the end I realized that he actually thought that little of himself; In that, somehow he wasn't good enough or worthy of me wanting or being satisfied with HIM.<<

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-25-2008 10:30 PM

Welcome to our Forum.

I think that if he is stating " he wasn't (isn't) good enough", worthy then he has issues and that's why he was a batchelor for so long , no children..

It could stem from his growing up, the way he was constantly treated, it doesn't mean he is gay.

He has not been able to be a "man" rather still maybe a little boy?

Can handle friendships and close relation but not sexual.

He may not even have had many partners at all throughout all that time, a loner.

He needs a strong woman to hold his hand so to speak and not give up and do alot of the work i think so that it just happens...

Or else, he has an issue which he needs to discuss with a Doctor.

I'm thinking physcological though.

Do you know much about his past? His childhood?

CW

**starvingforsex** · 12-25-2008 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by starvingforsex

I am married to a very wonderful man. We have been together for 5 years. When we met, I(40) was a divorced single mom of 3 with a very good job and extremely independent. He(41) was a long time bachelor who never had any children. From day one, sex was an issue. In the beginning, we quickly fell in love and became inseparable. Our first sexual experience, was extremely emotional for both of us. He was unable to attain an erection despite our desperate attempts, resulting in him breaking down and crying ...afraid that I was going to leave him. I was shocked that he thought that little of my devotion to him and that in the end I realized that he actually thought that little of himself; In that, somehow he wasn't good enough or worthy of me wanting or being satisfied with HIM.<<

Didn't have the whole thing posted>>>>>

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-25-2008 10:49 PM

Okay.

For the other readers, we will wait until you finish posting before we reply to you.

Take your time.

CW

**starvingforsex** · 12-25-2008 11:25 PM

My 1st post was cut off....left off a lot. Throughout our relationship, he has never been sexual outside of the bed. And sex in the bed rarely happens(approx. <4 times this year and same the year before). I know he masturbates....I find magazines in the bathroom,etc....the magazines I have seen are Maxim and the like, not hardcore. Occasionally I would find a Mens Fitness or other similiar ones, and they are stashed under the sheets in the closest.....as if I wouldn't know. Why doesn't he come to me for sex if he's horny? Why does he have to do it alone. I even say...Why don't you let me watch? He leaves me out of HIS SEXUAL LIFE. Everything else is fine with us, but that. We are very loving and there for each other..except in the bedroom. Whats wrong?????????

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-25-2008 11:58 PM

Well...

It's not normal, to be looking a fitness magazines, unless you want to get fit.

And, even then you don't hide them, unless you are hiding something.

4 times a year, an obligation?

Maybe your gut feeling is correct.

That's how i would see it...

But back that up, does he go out, on his own, or come home late, is he "not working" at shifts but saying his is?

Maybe it's a fantasy.

CW

**Uneeklyme** · 12-26-2008 09:25 AM

Grrr...

If you want to know if he is gay just ask him. I cant understand why people assume that just because a guy isn't sexual with a woman they go straight to gay.

Sounds to me like he may have some physical or emotional problems and they manifest in your sexual relationship. Or, maybe he is gay and if thats the case, isn't it easier to just know that so you can deal with it.

**njman2008** · 12-26-2008 09:46 AM

First, don't jump to any concluions.
He is not letting you in because to me it seems pyschological. Yes he could be gay but lets start at a more logical path first.

From what you said it seems like he is able to be sexually aroused. He has maxim and other things that you think he looks at etc. Maybe hes had a bad sexual experience along the way that has made it hard for him to be sexually open. Abuse, molestation, ridicule, lack of experience, penis envy, etc... There are too many unknowns. Don't judge him right now and don't get frustrated just yet.

Sit him down. Make sure its during the day and you have nothing else planned for that day (I would suggest a friday afternoon or saturday). Look him in the eye, tell him you love him, tell him that you want him both physically and emotionally. Tell him you are unsatisfied with the lack of sex you are having and tell him that you want to work on it. Just talk from your heart. Let him know that he is important to you and if he feels like he can't talk to you about some of his serious problems then suggest a therapist. But tell him you support him and would like things to get better.

All you can do is be honest at this point. Lay your cards down on the table. I have had some experience with my current girlfriend on this issue and its been a rough journey. That is a post for another time.

**SinisterUrge** · 12-26-2008 10:08 AM

Well there are a lot of good looking women in Men's Health magazine........

**starvingforsex** · 12-27-2008 10:51 PM

To answer your question, no my husband doesn't go out, come home late, or lie about his work hours. He is very disciplined about these things. I feel so guilty for not just appreciating him for being everything else to me and my kids. He has a wonderful heart. Before I met him I got my self assurance through my sexuality. I was a very sexual person, and you could as far to say that I as(am) a sexual addict(not kidding). I am literally starving for sex. Yes I did cheat on him, and never would have if he had listened to me and gotten help. I have sat him down and talked with him heart to heart, reassuring him that I loved him regarding this sex thing. He knows how important this issue is and promises to do something on his end, but never does. Now I have become so withdrawn towards everyone and everything. I am literally making myself sick. When I cheated on him, I confessed. The pain I caused him and everyone else all but destroyed me. I felt like I was driven to it. I couldn't stop myself!!! Now I have let myself go to the point that my health is suffering, physically and mentally. Sometimes I don't leave the house for days....showers are days apart. I have given up. He is not attracted to me!!!!! I am not working now and am financially dependent. My life is good in all other aspects. Help...I am self loathing. How do I fix this????

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