cmoneileena1

So I need some advice from everybody or at least somebody. Here is some background so you all know where I am coming from. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for a little over 3 years. We are both 25 and we have 2 wonderful little girls. In general we are very very happy, except... he is kind of a prude. Oh he says he's not but if he isn't then you sure could have fooled me. I love him to death but I feel like there is no variety in our sex life. The few times I have tried to bring some variety in he did not seem like he liked it very much so I pretty much stopped trying.

In his defense he is a tactile defensive. He generally doesn't like to be touched and has not since he was young. Me and our girls are pretty much the only people who can get away with, say, tickling him.

On the other hand, that has NOTHING to do with me. For instance, he NEVER touches me below the waist unless it is through my panties. Oral is ABSOLUTELY out of the question and I have a whole BOX of sex toys which never get used unless I am flying solo. He is also one of those guys who is happy to have sex once a week if I am lucky. Not that I can't get him going sometimes but other times it is like he is not at all attracted to me. I know that isn't the case but sometimes I wonder. In general my sex life is BORING. I never orgasm (never had one with a man ever) and I always fake it because I don't want him to feel like he is inadequate. It is not that the sex we do have is not enjoyable, it is. It can be very enjoyable but I do not orgasm easily, even when going solo. It is not that he doesn't try to please me but through the underwear starts to chafe after a while and leaves me dry, which makes intercourse harder than it has to be. He complains when I get to "messy". He doesn't like to use lube either. The only position he really seems to like is missionary. Other positions never seem to work very well (he is tall 6 ft. plus and I am only 5'4") and he even complains that I hurt him trying to go for the on top position. I feel like no matter what I try I keep running into a brick wall. Lately I have even caught myself fantasizing about being with an old boyfriend.

I guess my real question here is... how do I "open negotiations" so to speak. How can I initiate a conversation without either one or the other of us feeling bad or uncomfortable. I feel bad because I am not more readily orgasmic and I feel like I am making too many demands and I do not want to make HIM feel like is isn't able to perform up to my standards. Such a conversation is hard for me to even begin. I was raised Catholic and sex was not EVER mentioned in my house unless it was to say... "not until you are married". SO, needless to say, opening up about my own sexual needs is a scary proposition. I am willing to try though since the rest of our life together is wonderful and I would not trade it for anything. I could not imagine my life without him but do I have to settle for a boring sex life? Help!

rcoreyus

A tough problem and you have my sympathy. I also can't really talk about sex with my wife - both of us were raised to not talk about that sort of thing.

I agree that it is important though - sex is a very important part of marriage. This is absolutely his problem not yours - he sounds like he has no knowledge (and more importantly no interest) in learning to please you.

The difficulty is convincing him that sex is important. He sounds like one of those people who just isn't very interested.

I'm sorry I haven't provided any suggestions here.

JWB_pof

the only thing i can say here is that you have to find a way to comunicate with him.
you say you love him, and everythings is great except your sex life.
sex.......... its great, pleasurable and very important in a relationship. it shouldnt be used as a tool to get what you want or punishment. but should be used to show affection, love and pleasure to the one you love. thats where many do wrong and you did NOT do that.
there is no rule on how many times a couple should have sex, daily, weekly, monthly. it should just happen when you both feel it and want it. it shouldnt be just to have children and then no more.
bottom line here you must communicate with him because if you dont i see problems down the road for you both.
your going to have to suck it up and make the talk happen. no matter if you feel wierd or not. somethings are hard to talk about but need it to be done.
just as when your children are a bit older, your going to talk with them on certain subjects, you have to do that here and very soon if you feel this strong about it.

wishin you the best and a great outcome.

SinisterUrge

Wait I'm confused. Are you wanting to give him some kind of ultimatum or are you asking for an open marriage?

In-Need

Reading everything you've said about him, I'm just wondering if something is going on this way because of something in the past. Do you know much about his past and or any other relationships he's had.

I'm certainly not saying he's strange but he's a little different than lets say the average guy. It's like he's inhibited to go further and doesn't want to take it to the next step, obviously! Sounds like I'm repeating what you said I guess but just differently, thinking?
These kind of comments right here is what makes me feel that way. It's just unusual, that a man would not want to go and explore with his hands in places he admires and adores, something is stopping him from feeling that way, or he feels that way but can't get himself over the hump to perform
I can understand, sounds boring on this end too, the reason you would feel at times he's not attracted to you is because the lack of what you are desiring, so naturally a little rejection comes your way. Like you said tho, you know he is attracted to you and he does love you, keep that in your mind
Ok, here is where I think the rubber meets the road and a possible way for you to get down to business with him and hopefully have an open door to discuss it. It's going to be hard but you should think about it ........
I feel you should let him know during a time of closeness that you are not having orgasm and that you never have, that you've been faking it.
I would hurt, yes, if my stbxw told me she had been faking all this time but at the same time I feel that would open the door of getting where we need to get. I don't feel it's going to destroy everything, he loves you, right? I know it would be scary but you see the door that would be opened here, some may disagree with this point. You don't want to go on like this, and I can just about guarantee you he doesn't want to neither.

A good time would be when you are in bed and just being close, before anything happens you could open by just saying, "Honey, we've got to talk about our sex life, I need to be perfectly honest with you about some things, I love you and want us to have a greater experience than we are now" just like you told us you can remind him that he does make you feel good, let him know about the positive side of things but then tell him whats going on with you and that you need him to help you with reaching the place you've never been and you believe he can do that for you but he's going to have to be more open on how you get there. Then talk about the things you want him to do, you are not being demanding, you want to please him just as well, so don't think that way!

I believe he'll want to go the xtra mile once he finds out your needs in that way, then that may open things up as far as what might being inhibiting him. His past or just things he's apprehensive about exploring, for whatever reason it might be.

You see, it sounds like your communication with one another about this has really been lacking and so it you try and open it up with this, it's very possible you'll get on a road to success. I guess I've ramble on a bit and I hope this has help at least a little, Good Luck to you!

cmoneileena1

No No, I don't want to give him an ultimatum or anything like that. There is really nothing wrong with our marriage except that our sex life is... boring and I don't think he realizes that some of my needs are NEVER being met. I just need a way to open up discussions without anybody getting hurt.

cmoneileena1

Thanks to everyone who posted so far! I am taking everything into consideration here and would always benefit from more input. Will keep posting (even if no one is interested anymore, it makes me feel better)

In-Need

Listen Sis, Myself I think getting hurt is not necessarily unhealthy, getting hurt and expressing what causes that hurt can open the doors to progression, not reversal. You see.

I know in my own experience when I felt hurt or my stbxw felt hurt and we talked about what caused it, we worked at how to fix it, it didn't always get resolved in the 1st conversation.

So, its all how you look at it I guess, nobody wants to hurt anybody just to be hurting. That's not true love. You are endeavoring to make things better, so hurt is sometimes necessary.

You see what I'm trying to say, does that make sense?

SinisterUrge

Something like that you just have to do it quick like a band-Aid.

"Honey, I think we have to talk about our sex life. I'm just not satisfied with our current situation."

N01

crazy enough, sometimes the easiest way for couples to initiate communication about hard issues is via email. why not take what you have written above, filter it for comments like "even caught myself fantasizing about being with an old boyfriend" and some other things that will hurt more than open communication, and email it to him?

face to face to face, in person, and alone with the other half is always the best way to do this. but sometimes getting to there isnt the easiest.

either way you go, dont dance around the main issue - that you seem to have different sexual needs and desires, and how could the both of you do more to meet each others needs.