Thread: Feeling Unwanted

As a last resort I thought I would try to get some advice and suggestions from others. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We started off with a long distance relationship. We flew back and forth once a month to see each other. Our sex life was never spectacular but it at least existed. We decided to move in together last April. I figured our relationship would improve. It has improved significantly...in all areas except our sex life. At first he said it was because he felt bad about himself about not having a job, since he lost his when he announced he was moving. After he got another great job, nothing changed. He still seemed to have no interest at all. I am 29 and he is 40 so we thought maybe it was his age that was causing his low sex drive but his testosterone level is normal, according to a blood test. He is starting to say that we are just not connecting that way, but that it's not the most important thing in a relationship. I have tried initiating, I have tried lingerie, I have tried coming to bed completely naked, I even tried watching porn with him, I made suggestions like taking a dance class together to bring us closer, I have suggested counseling (which he refuses)...nothing works. We talk about it but our conversations have never led to any discoveries about what could be wrong. It is really beginning to wear on me and is making me feel bad about myself. I have even considered straying from my relationship to satisfy my needs...of course I haven't and wouldn't. He has told me that he has never had this problem before and he is just as confused and disappointed as me. This doesn't make me feel any better. He is worried that I am thinking that he is going to cheat on me, which obviously crosses my mind. He reassures me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he wouldn't do that. I know that there are things from his past that could possibly be a factor. For example, he was sexually abused as a child and he has had 3 failed marriages, but if he has never had these issues with his sex drive before, why now? I am so frustrated and sad and lonely and I don't know what else to do. I am young and feel like my youth is being wasted in a way. If anyone has suggestions or even an uplifting word, I would love to hear from you. Thanks!

It is almost certainly not your problem but his. This is actually pretty common (unfortunately), there are a number of threads on this. I've been in a similar situation (with the genders reversed) for many years - never found a solution. But - recently things have been improving - I'm very happy about it, but don't know what changed.