Feeling guilty

**collegegirl2009** · 01-27-2009 12:25 PM

I just need an opinion here. So I have been with my bf for 3yrs. We use to have exciting sex. Now I don't want to have sex much with him. I absolutely love him with all my heart and I want to marry him one day! I can't imagine my life without him. He is my best friend. It's like whenever we're together I don't feel like doing it but when I don't see him during the week I think about sex. I use my vibrator about once a day. When we have sex I usually orgasm. The thing is that I am friends with an ex that I dated years ago. We had crazy, fun sex. We were always doing it in random places where we could get caught. It was great stuff. He cheated on me though. I don't love my ex anymore but for some reason whenever we talk I think about sex with him. I feel so guilty. I have never and would never cheat on my bf but I dunno what to do? I wish I could get our sex life back to what it use to be during the first year we were together. Why do you think I'm thinking these things & what do I do about it?

**rcoreyus** · 01-27-2009 02:48 PM

Hmm, you sound quite a bit like my wife. She also loves me (and I her), but just isn't interested in sex with me. I'm pretty sure she uses a vibrator frequently (I find the sex-toys moved occasionally). She also usually orgasms (or fakes really really well) when we have sex.

So - you are not unique. But - it is really important that you figure out what is going on. Sex is very important to a relationship. Mine is near perfect in every other way - but still I spend a lot of my time feeling depressed.

Do you not find him physically attractive? Is he very overweight, or in some other way unappealing? Is he good to you in non-sexual ways?

I'm very interested in any thoughts / opinions you have since it seems to relate to my situation.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-27-2009 03:07 PM

It might not be the best idea to hang out with the ex while you are feeling this way. The lack of excitement in your current relationship paired up with the exciting memories of sex with the ex could put you in a vulnerable and regrettable position. I am not saying that you would not be strong enough to resist but I just think the current climate of your situation puts you in a more risky than usual position.

If your boyfriend is happy and content with the state of your sexual relationship, he's not probably going to go out of his way to make it new and interesting. Since you are the one seeking to turn up the heat it will be up to you at first to ignite the spark.

**HopeExists** · 01-27-2009 05:11 PM

I definitely don't advise hanging out with the ex while you have these feelings either. I've been in this situation and hung out with the ex and ended up making a huge mistake.

You should probably try and first find out what is causing these feelings and then try to fix it. Are you not attracted to him? Would you rather have more exciting sex? Have you just lost your 'new love' feeling? There are many ways to make things more exciting again.

**WildChild** · 01-27-2009 05:43 PM

You certainly shouldn't consider marriage until you get this resolved, it wouldn't be fair to him or you. Sounds like you are wanting the excitement you had with the ex and enjoy the comapnionship of your bf. If you really want this to work I think you will have to make the effort to spice things up. Maybe show him what you like? Haul him out to have sex in the car or out on the patio or something. Maybe he thinks you aren't very interested so he doesn't want to seem pushy?

**Rebecca Deos** · 01-27-2009 07:52 PM

All relationships, go through different phases, and rarely does it have the excitement of a new relationship. But as it moves through the phases, it does build different types of excitement, all satisfying in their own way.

Could it be that you are thinking of your ex in that context? More than likely, that spark would have dwindled a bit as well, as the relationship progressed.

I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. There's some myth we have that once you find the man you love, it's supposed to somehow make you forget everything before him. That's rarely the case, and theres nothing wrong with having fantasies or remembering the steamy hot encounters that we shared in the past.

It only becomes a problem, possibly, if you are only attracted to,, and satisfied by the steaminess of a new relationship and it stops you from building a strong long term relationship .

**collegegirl2009** · 01-27-2009 08:43 PM

To rcoreyus: I am absolutely in love with my bf. He treats me like a princess and I know there is nobody better than him. I mean, he's the kind of guy who my friends are all jealous of. For those of you who appreciate the movie the Notebook our nicknames from friends are Noah & Allie. I still find him very attractive. He has gained some weight since we met but I have gained a few pounds too and we did meet in 2005 so that was a long time ago. That has no bearing on how I feel though. I don't know what's wrong with me? I just get out of the sex mood when we hang out. I'm not sure what's wrong? Maybe it's just a rough patch.

To everyone else: I don't hang out with this ex anymore. We just talk on the phone and stuff. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn't talk to him but I would miss the friendship & thinking of the past just makes me want to talk to him.

**OGFL** · 01-27-2009 10:06 PM

this is going to sound but when yall were having sex who usually ignited the fuse so to speak: u or him?

**rcoreyus** · 01-28-2009 12:19 AM

Collegegirl2009: Please try to work in this - It sounds like he loves you and you love him, but sex is a very important part of a relationship. (imagine a "romantic" relationship with another woman - unless you are Bi that is). If you don't, he may leave (for one of those "friends"), or worse, he may stay with you feeling bound by love, but resentful.

Maybe make a specific effort to have sex more often - try to get back into the habit. Or, if sex has become dull, think of things to spice it up.

I've lived the other side of a relationship like this for almost 25 years now (we met in college). I love her and would do anything for her - but that has meant the I've lived a nearly monastic life for a quarter century, and that my love is sometimes tainted by resentment. I want the wonderful relationship that all my jealous friends think I have.

**collegegirl2009** · 01-28-2009 12:51 PM

RCoreyus: Thank you for saying that. We do love each other very much and I really do feel like we are meant to be together. I wouldn't want him to resent me or to leave. I'm sorry you've had to live like that all these years. I am going to do something about the way things are going. I've been going to the gym a lot more and getting back into great shape. Maybe that will help us. As far as spicing things up we have done most everything under the sun that we wanted to do. Do you think that maybe we've done it all: toys, lingerie, movies, etc... and that because of that we can't spice it up anymore?

OGFL: It was pretty much even for the first year & a half. Now he initiates sex more often than me. Why?

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