Thread: DH "needs" porn. Does he?

I'm like WC, If I was in the same situation with a wife I would deeply be concerned about our future and her real desires. I would have to have a heart to heart talk about this and come to some kind of a conclusion as to where it goes from here. Like WC says you certainly don't want to wake up another 5 yrs from now finding out you've made a mistake by holding on to a relationship that's left you in a very unhappy condition!

Porn is one thing, and IMHO not a big deal. But all this surfing and chatting and doing sexual acts for other people, that doesn't sit well. I think you have to talk to him about this. I can understand why you're hurt.

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem if my partner had a kink that was "his" that I didn't participate in. Everyone has their fantasies and kinks, and I don't have a problem with a partner viewing it.

But....

I think he owes you more of an explanation that "I do it for stress relief". He needs to be a little more expressive in why this is his out, and why TG/TV is his particular kink. If he is better able to express himself, and communicate, it would probably better help you understand the "whys" of the situation.

It's definitely good that he is open with you about. I do, however, disagree that his fetishes are rare. I have known MANY men that have those kinds of fantasies. As another posted alluded to, the porn part isn't alarming--it's the web cam, etc situation. In my opinion, he's not being very faithful to you. However, you've been married for a few years and you're very willing to work this out. I think you, as his partner, have been very understanding and accepting of the situation. It seems like you have done a bit of sacrificing...perhaps it's his turn to start doing some as well.

No matter how you explain it, to me a guy who watches porn is cheating on his female. Simple as that.

They had a "Sex and the City" episode about this. Porn is a complex issue, but saying "I need to do it to relieve stress" is a complete cop-out.

Your issue is not porn. Your issue is that he's not being honest with you.

The glass is either half empty or half full. The "half full" version is that he has an appetite that he can't indulge with you, so he takes care of it this way, and in return he remains a good husband in every other respect.

The "half empty" version is that, deep down, he knows he's cheating on you, he's just hoping you'll give him a pass and allow this "thing" to remain in the space of your marriage. It's no different then if he were actually cheating with another person.

Some people have an addictive personality and some don't. The ones who don't just indulge every now and then, and that's it. Sometimes it's no different than what we did with a Playboy magazine 30 years ago. Are you going to treat something like that as if it were a marriage-breaker?

You have to talk to him about it and lay down rules. For example, one rule could be "It's OK to look at pictures or download video clips and keep a few of them on your computer, but don't ever reach out to real, actual people on line."

I think the thing you described with the chat rooms and the web cams is beyond the pale, and I would not put up with it.

Good luck with this.

I have a somewhat similar problem (being that my fiance of 2 years likes to talk to other women and do things online with them like you described). Although I'm not so sure I can offer any great words of wisdom, I'd be extremely interested to see how the situation turns out. I too want to be the cool fiance, but can't help but feel like I'm not enough or like he's hiding more... Good luck to you.