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"You know the way a poem sometimes makes an absurd connectionThat's himLyrically professing his affection...""Never humour a fool for he will think he is a wise man"
are you me? seriously? Sex with my ex was all about him, I very rarely had an orgasm and if he sensed that I was he'd sometimes stop just to leave me frustrated. I tried to talk sexy once when we were first married and he got mad, stopped, and told me not to talk like that. So, when I met my new husband and he mentioned that he would like to hear me talk dirty/sexy I freaked out. I couldn't do it! In fact I still can't "talk" sexy/dirty but he says I've gotten much better at the verbal cues so start out easy like:
oh baby, that feels so good
yes, right there, that's the spot!
yes, yes, YESSSS, YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
If you have a certain topic (like, don't like, bothers you, something specific, etc) try writing it down. It's easier for some people to express themselves that way rather than talk. Then exchange what you both wrote and talk in a comfortable neutral place. You'll have said what you want, as will he, and the "big part" will be out and maybe easier to discuss.
I've never had a problem with being verbal, my BF was much less so fearing he'd say it wrong or be misunderstood or upset me. He's on the EXTREME end that you don't ever "assume", "take", "expect", or "demand" anything from a female. You ASK. And for him that starts with ASKING to hold hands the first time. Like I said, he's a tad extreme.
Even after we made love the first time he felt the need to have my approval before he did, said, or tried anything, even something as minor as a new position in bed. Your "in your head" background of feeling bad or it's not talked about or uncomfortable to talk about can be overcome I think. Just don't laugh at what each other write and take it as something that matters to each of you.
My guy slept with me several times and I could see almost anguish on his face and asked him if he was OK ?? He left a note on my make-up table saying he didn't want me to feel degraded or bad but when I was on top of him he'd get so excited he wanted to yell "F%$# Me" but was afraid I'd feel cheap. After awhile the writing faded and now he's totally comfortable telling me anything.
There are little things he likes a LOT I would never have known otherwise that really please him, like running my fingers through his hair while he gives me oral. I have a "feet" thing and he would never know otherwise to kiss my toes to make me nuts if not for a card I sent him. Even though I could talk, I also didn't want to embarass him with my early wants he was unaware of.
Notes and cards worked for us before we (mostly he) could totally openly talk. My feet were instantly happy and he could be a screamer without worrying it made me feel cheap (I love hearing him out of control).
You can find nice blank cards at a card shop for writing. I kept all he gave me, but not for the sex inquiries. He wrote such beautiful and adoring things before and after his main topic, they made me want him all the more. And you'll maybe understand the WHY some things do it for each of you. Not sexual, but my BF is the first guy I've ever known who likes to just sit in the bedroom and watch me sleep. Took a bit of getting used after the first time I woke up and he was there with a cup of coffee and said what he was doing. But I now know he just likes looking at me sleep and feeling a sense of "protecting" me while I'm asleep. Now I kind of like it
Writing or talking is the only way you'll get closer and enjoy each other as much as you can. Start with small or basic things and go from there. My BF even sent me a letter with his only 2 never had fantasies (they were REALLY mellow and minor). The next weekend I made both a reality. That was over 2 years ago and he still talks about it like it was one of the greatest days in his life, laugh. If he handn't written me that sweet and open letter, I'd have never known (or would have been forever before I knew).
Good Luck
This seems to be a common issue, I've dealt with it. Too many of us are either taught, one way or another, that's dirty to talk about sex or we've been put down hard for expressing ourselves. In my family, like many in the 60s and early 70s, sex wasn't discussed. We were still watching TV shows that had couples sleeping in separate twin beds. Throw in an insecure man who gets verbally abusive if a woman tells him she likes or doesn't like something sexually and you are headed for a situation where you have a woman with problems communicating what she wants. No doubt it happens with men too.
Trust and comfort are big issues in this. Those take time to develop. The idea of making a game of it is a good one. Sometimes you just have to take the leap so to speak. If you don't know what you like or dislike it's hard to communicate. Getting books, learning all you can, can be a big help. For myself, having through more than one sexually disfunctional marriage, it's been a very conscious effort to learn and start exploring the possiblities and how to communicate about sex. I certainly have limits but they are fairly broad and within them I'm up for just about anything but am not always comfortable communicating that. That's where things like porn can be helpful, if you don't even know, what you don't know how are you going to know? Educating yourself and getting a feel for the range of what people do, I've done a lot of poking around, found there isn't much people don't do! Doesn't mean you have to try it all but knowing you aren't doing or thinking anything way off on the fringes does make talking about it more comfortable.
Everyone has an opinion on porn. To me it's cheating and not needed. As long as it doesn't physically hurt either one of us, there isn't anything my BF and I won't do and do it anywhere. With that said, bored is never a problem here. We come up with enough spontaneous (sp ?) crazy stuff and locations to make a movie of our own so don't need visual aids. He thinks porn is gross and degrading for women. And he'd feel like "less" since he doesn't have a porn star penis like a horse (it's perfect for me). I feel there is plenty in any man or woman's own head to keep them busy, diverse, and happy. Just talk and express yourself.
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