Thread: Talking about Sex - Not Dirty Talk

Hello,
I found this forum because something is weighing heavily on my mind. I was in a relationship for 10 years, he was the only one I was ever with, and the sex was....one-sided. Sort of like "Hey, come here a second" or getting drunk and him having his way until he rolled over. Quite frankly, it was never about me, and I never had an orgasm.

Now, that's over. I am with a guy who says the only thing he wants to do is "give me my cookies", he doesn't even really care (he says) if he gets his, as long as I get mine and anything beyond that is great, by him.

Well, he wants to know how I feel. He wants me to tell him what feels good, what I want him to do, what I don't like, and all that, but not during, just in regular conversation. Fact is, I CANNOT verbalize these things, and the poor guy just doesn't know what to do. I was never told sex was dirty or bad, I just don't know how to say "I like it when you..." or "I don't like it when you...". Maybe I am embarassed and I know I shouldn't be. Maybe I will feel like a total n00b if I actually hear the words come out of my mouth, or if I do manage to get a squeak of something, it will sound all technical like middle-school sex-ed. I don't know the real reason, but I want so badly to make him happy because he is doing so much for me in that respect (and don't get me wrong, relationship wise, we are great, and I do take care of him in life, as well as in bed...)

So, how do I get past the barrier? I have been emailing back and fourth with him, that's ok for now. He said I don't have to talk to him, we can ease into it. I can tell him I don't want to talk about it (but he also says if I do he will know what to do). He has left books over at my apartment to look at, and I look things up on the internet. I made a list of what I like, don't like, indifferent or would like to try, thinking if I could read it out loud to myself and hear myself say it, it might make me want to say it out loud to him (getting used to hearing myself say the words). I can't read it out loud! I told him to push me a bit, ask me yes or no questions to start and go from there...

Well, clearly I am not a person of few words...but there are some words I can't say...Halp!

I've never been able to talk about sex either.

Maybe make it a game? He asks you a question and if you don't answer he gives you a spanking?

Do you give any cues during sex as to what feels good?

Don't expect your comfort level to change overnight. But it seems that you are working on it, researching, pushing your comfort level, etc. So you already have made the biggest change, and that is committing to change.

Relax, and give yourself some credit, it just might take a little time. And remember whats on the other side, the abilty to have great communication, and openness with your patner.

I find it difficult too... although I was raised to think sex is a dirty, evil sin! I've been with my bf for over 2 years now and things have improved tremendously... yet I still feel embarrassed and a little shy to talk about it. At least I can manage to actually talk about it now.

I think you are on the right track with talking to him in emails, or writing things down in general. Sometimes it is easier to type or write things out than it is to say them. Get comfortable with writing these things to him and then it will be easier to also say them.

Sounds like you have a fantastic man there, and you are right to meet him half way and try to learn how to get comfortable expressing yourself. The list you made is a good thing, why not show it to him when you guys are snuggling on the sofa in a non sexual way. Have HIM read it outloud to you. It will be embarassing, you are sure to giggle and cover your face in a pillow or something, but I think you could make that a fun and playful way to overcome your fears.